To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

OP, you're worried he will move out and cut ties.

But if he's going to do this, he might as well do it now as in one, two, three years time, do you see? He'll milk you for all you are worth - cooking, cleaning funding him, caring for him while he's at college, and then he'll take whatever job and flat come his way (possibly he thinks he'll find himself a nice submissive girlfriend to take over where you leave off) and you STILL won't hear from him again.

Keeping him at the moment won't make him any less likely to storm off into the night. Better get it done now, and show your daughters that cocklodger men aren't welcome in your lives.

Stop being his slave for starters, nobody is making you do that. If he damages something, he fixes it or pays for a new one. If he won't do those things, he's out. He's plenty old enough to get his own place.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.

You doing this is actually enforcing his views about women.

Why would you do all of this for a grown adult, especially one that is so rude to you.

Discipline and having rules are just as much a part of parenting as love and providing are.

He cannot learn right and wrong if he’s not taught it.

You need to show him that his behaviour is unacceptable by stopping doing these things for him or to get him to live with his dad.

I can guarantee he doesn’t get on with the SM because she doesn’t put up with his shit.

You’d be doing him a favour by having stricter rules or making him move out.
Do not feel guilty for trying to make him a better person.

I’m also concerned about your daughters, what example are they getting? You’re doing all this free labour for a man who looks down on women and treats everyone appealing (them included) and sending them the message that it’s ok to put up with these type of men and ok to live in fear. What a terrible example for them.

This is an excellent point!

They are learning from you and you are teaching them that it’s ok for a man to act like this and you’ll still do everything for him.

This ^^

How long has this young man spent being the child of a broken marriage that neither parent is really invested in?!

Family scapegoat at it's finest

Family scapegoat at it's finest

So a 24 year old man who damages a home that is paid for by others, mocks, insults, ridicules, sneers and treats his mother like a skivvy is to be excused?

This place is crazy

He sounds both awful and deeply unhappy.

I don’t think anyone would like him.

But the only favour you can do him OP is to force him to stand on his own two feet. In the nicest way, you are making a bad situation worse.

Stop doing anything for him. Set the house rules. If he breaks them, then two strikes and out. He’s young and can find a bloody sofa to sleep on.

Are you and @hagchic on glue? Or just both have a shocker case of internalised misogyny?

Are you physically afraid of him? Is that why you haven't told him to leave?

Attending college or not, he should not be in your home any longer. If he wants to continue going to college to get ahead in the world, then he can work that out himself. He is toxic to your home and you are allowing that to happen.

It's gross how any time an older DC is being challenging, the first thing people jump to is to kick them out rather than try to work out why they're behaving the way they are and try to find a way to work through it. Horrible, honestly horrible.

I can't believe you are letting this person be around your daughters. He listens to Andrew Tate? Good grief. Come on mom, you have more than one child here. It is time for your son to get out of the house.

Jeez, back yourself off.

Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum

In other words, she didn't put up with his shit.

He's 24! He's an adult that's essentially being abusive to his mum and the other people in the house.

Most college courses aren’t 37.5 hours a week so he probably will have some capacity to work like most students have to.

It would have to be a room in a shared house but that’s fine. Might do him good to be around more young people and hear how they see the world and interact with each other.

For the sake of your DDs you have to kick him out. No three strikes and you're out. He needs to go and go now. the situation is not going to get better magically however it will definitely get worse.

tell him to go live with his dad for the next 24 years.

He isn’t his Dad.

Tell him he needs to go stay with his dad.

I not be letting him live in my house with that attitude and behaviour.

Funny how you raised him but all his appalling habits are down to his dad - means you don't have to do anything OP. You need to stop babying him and start setting boundaries. He won't like it and you know this so it's easier to come on here and say what can i do he's just like his father.

Summer is a long time during college he'll need to go and live with his Dad or elsewhere over the holidays.
Does the college have accommodation for next year? Or he can use his maintenance loan and live in a HMO

You don’t really have any choice do you. His SM threw him out, you need to do so for the sake of your family too. Tell him you love him but you can’t live with his behaviour anymore.