To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

I wouldn't have a man like this in my house, regardless of relation.

You do realise that some sons murder their mothers?

Domestic abuse isn't just in relationships. He is exploiting you and treating you as sub human.

Why the fuck would she do that!

So are you kicking him out with immediate effect, OP? Or are you giving him notice? If so, how long?

And if he has a period of notice, are you going to stop doing his washing, making his lunch etc with immediate effect?

I think you might be slightly overinvested. Might be an idea to take a step back; it’s not your life.

What the fuck are you on about?

I'm not in the slightest bit over-invested, I am just asking a question.

Why would you “quick him out”? Doesn’t he have a father?

He is an adult. Why are you catering to him as though he were a seven year old? He is old enough to clean up, do his own washing and if he is working, to contribute his share to the household. If he doesn't want to do that then the door is open and he can go get a room in a shared house but what you MUST stop is being a doormat and allowing him to treat you with such contempt.

I think you might need some counselling OP as you’ve been in an abusive relationship (with your son) for years, and your thinking is so impaired that you assumed posters would think you were a monster for wanting him out of your house aged 24.

you have put up with enough and you need to start by stopping the laundry and then cut back on other services from there, culminating in him leaving the house for good.

At present he does not have the maturity or the right temperament for a management job. What he needs is a big dose of humility and to lose his crappy attitude.

You can't blame how a kid turns out on one parent, his dad and you BOTH played a part in it. Don't be lazy and take some responsibility

He is 24.

He abuses the family he lives with - and takes advantage of.

He openly loathes women.

He mocks his mother - who seems to serve all his needs.

He damages property he isn't paying for and sneers when there is any objection...

Why do you think he is getting a hard time?

I would agree with this.

I'm a director in a multinational and I can say confidently that he would get nowhere in management in a decent organisation - other than out of the door with his P45 - if he truly thinks and behaves as you describe.

Even Victorian mill owners had some humility.

He sounds appalling, I'm afraid.

You know that you’re the reason he doesn’t respect women, right? You don’t demand that he treats you with respect and extend consequences if he doesn’t. Why would you allow him around your daughters? They are going to grow up seeing you support this misogynistic grunt and maybe think that they don’t deserve better. This must also put pressure on your marriage… You say he won’t be in touch when he finishes… Why wait? You don’t even like him.

I used to assess children and adults for learning disabilities in a past career and some children with undiagnosed disabilities ended up behaving in this way because they couldn't cope with adult life. It seemed like they should be capable of living like any other 20something but when it came down to it they found life totally overwhelming and responded by being difficult, rude, lazy etc. It was a very hard thing to deal with at that stage of their life and some were totally resistant - the only option was for the parent to go hard line as everyone has suggested here and kick them out, for their own sanity. But for some, an acknowledgement that things were hard for them and some real support turned things around completely they managed to get it together. They didn't always end up with the life they wanted but they had a life they could cope with.

If you want to improve things, it might be worth sitting down with him and trying to talk things through, or suggesting he sees a counsellor/you go to family counselling?

You make excuses every post

Why is he still living with you? Do not feel guilty - it’s time for him to make his own way and be independent.

I hate to think of how he would be as a manager

You behave like his slave and then wonder why he acts like a tyrant? Can't all be his father's fault- you had a hand in raising him too!

He's not going to learn how to build healthy relationships with other adults while you are supporting and encouraging him to be like this. Try very, very hard not to get upset when you're talking to him, even if he's being stupid and rude. But you need to set some limits, any limits, and stick to them - he will probably kick back and try to make more work for you but stay strong. Things will be better and happier for your DH and DDs and you.

Yep.

Well he needs to stand on his own two feet as an independent young man not dependant on mummy who by gender association, he hates.

He will also make an utterly shit manager, and one who will probably end up with loads of grievances if he has that attitude. I assume he wants to be a manager so he has ‘control’.

your poor DD’s who are also seeing all this.

Im getting incel vibes from this...as others have said he would absolutley not be living in my house if he had such an open hate of women! He needs some seriously tough love and by the sounds of it some therapy to try and tackle this issue about women because I wouldnt want a man like that being out in society with those sort of toxic opinions coming across others that think in the same way or praying on some poor unsuspecting women. Your son needs to learn some respect like right now! And yes please stop cooking and cleaning up after him because kindly, you are only fueling this situation and making him think its acceptable to be this way because your still doing everything for him like a child. He needs to grow the f*k up!

When are you asking him to leave?

This really concerns me. I feel like I’ve been more paranoid in posting lately, or perhaps I’m too sensitive (these bloody “quality of life” death meds aren’t helping) or maybe I’m just seeing more danger?

Andrew Tate isn’t just a misogynist. I believe he’s either now convicted or very, VERY strongly suspected as a rapist and a sex trafficker. Boys and men who listen to him both hate women and want to use and degrade them at the same time; to them, all women are not just worthless, but also whores. The overlap between these guys and the original “involuntary celibate” (incel) community is basically a Venn diagram with two completely overlapping circles. They loathe women, but want sex so badly that they believe basically some form of rape should be legal. And I have no idea why, but they ALL seem to have a fetish for younger teenage girls, who they believe will be virgins, and girls who are shown in such a way in anime.

His outwardly stated opinions alone make him a bad mix for a house with two teens of any gender, but I legitimately think you could end with a much worse situation with two teen daughters, where he might actually be a danger to them, or just make them feel unsafe/steal their personal belongings, etc. Female underwear disappearing from the wash, etc.

The problem is that people who don’t respect women don’t think they’re people. And if you don’t think a woman is a person, then you treat her as less than a person. And that’s dangerous, in my opinion. I’m not around men like that, I don’t even interact with them online, I wouldn’t want my children (male or female) around them, and that’s pretty much all there is to it.

Start making staying at your home exactly like being in a rental by himself - no washing, no tidying, no meals prepared. Charge him a small weekly rent and food contribution, and if you want, give it back when it’s time as a rental deposit. But he had the option of not ostracizing his whole family (his stepmum, now you) and he chose this. I know people with fathers who were terrible and they still turned out lovely, so no excuses.

Lots of abused wives become abused mothers. Sons are often encouraged by their fathers to be abusive and there is little support for this. When women speak up about the abuse they are berated for being a walkover.

I think the behaviour the op describes is the tip of the iceberg. His contempt and disrespect is blatant and it’s clear he has gained power within the home.

The op needs support and advice. Not berating. She’s obviously very frightened of him.