To love but not like my adult son.

[redcloudsunshine]

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

This is so acutely depressing I feel like I want to punch him.
Please will you stop being controlled by this awful person. If he wants to live in your house then he buys his own shopping, does his own laundry, cooking, cleaning. That's what I did from 14 onwards (obviously was given a modest budget per week as couldn't work due to being in school), But as soon as working ft at 18 that's a given as an adult wherever you live.
He is bang out of order. Will he not listen to reason even when calm for a few minutes? if not.. Can your DH have a strong word. Get a tenancy agreement and ask him to sign it? Else he needs to go but it will be a hostel, and I think you have to send something to council saying he's kicked out.

Sorry this is happening to you OP but it’s time to show him the door 🚪 disrespectful little shit

OP just stop doing all that stuff for him. There is no way an adult son of mine (I have three boys) will have any of that done at that age. DH's mummy was still ironing his shirts for work at 21, he works hard but has had to learn housework as an adult!!
Also, thought I would add this as people are being vile about your son and at the end of the day, he is your son, despite his behaviour. He could have learned his behaviour from his dad but I know someone very similar (almost exactly the same as your son in everything you've said) who has aspergers and a personality condition. He has no empathy and has a very strange opinion on women. Also refuses help as doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. I know its easy for people to say others are 'evil' etc but there are people out there with very serious personality issues that need mental health help but have no idea they need it. The person I'm speaking about is very vulnerable despite his 'front' that he is a tough woman hating guy.

Set your own rules and charge him going-rate rent. If he can't deal with either of these, show him the door! He's acting like a child not a man with a quarter of a century behind him!!

Sorry to say OP, but you've clearly enabled his shitty behaviour and that's why he has continued to act like this. Also not fair for your two DD to witness this. DS is 24 therefore old enough to be living out in the world by himself. Sounds like he needs to grow up.

Well the obvious question is why is he still at home with you?

He's negging you. It's quite awful to even read. I'd change the locks and put all his junk in storage, send him the key and tell him the storage payments run out at the end of his course. He does not deserve anything from you whatsoever.

I think, collage course or not, you need to pack his stuff up, leave it on the door step with a note saying his behaviour and attitudes are unacceptable, you have told him often enough and he can go live with his father. If that’s in another area, he can transfer collages. I wouldn’t tolerate this and if you find it hard to be strong, do it for your daughters and your husband.

He is 24 and an adult - many of his peers have been living independently for 6 years! Sit him down for a conversation. It’s time he contributed to the household - he needs to do his own washing, ironing, cleaning. He can make his own lunch or buy it, he isn’t going to starve.

If he tuts or huffs just ignore him, if he wants clean clothes he will need to wash them. You’re his mother not his skivvy.

He needs to contribute a token amount towards bills and food (he’s at college, he can get a part time job like everyone else). If he wishes to socialise it’s his responsibility to pay for that. Agree with PP if he’s staying with you long term you set up a tenancy agreement or lodging agreement, you can set the rental at a reasonable amount considering he is in education. Siblings and I all paid board as soon as we were over 21 and working if we stayed at home, £200 a month. Parents kindly gifted a chunk of this back when we moved out but it meant we had learnt not to take advantage!

Living with his dad isn't an option full time, he's tried that and didn't get on with his step mum

I'm not surprised if he behaves as you describe. Stop doing everything for him and tell him it's because you are unwilling to be his ruddy slave and to bec treated like he treats you. And tell him that if he foesnt stop being obnoxious he will be leaving. When he starts just look at him and walk out the room. Dump his washing in a basket in his room. Dont cook for him.

BTW your poor daughters watching this. Whatbunpact must he be having on them

My mum has always said just because you love your kids doesn't mean you always have to like them (first popped up when my sis was having issues with her son)
I've never been "traumatised" or ever thought that was aimed at me (even though it may have applied when I was in my young rebellious days) or felt unloved. I never thought the cap fitted so never overthought or took that statement personally (I say this as a very over sensitive friend was shocked when I said this to her)

Don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to feel that way when someone is behaving in a disgusting manner towards you, especially a child you did nothing but care for.

Andrew Tate is social cancer. I don't know where this kind of hatred is going to lead young people.

He’s a grown adult not a child, if he doesn’t contribute to the household it’s not OP’s job to babysit him. All older now but once we were adults the young people in our family contributed by sorting our own washing, cooking for the family from time to time and cleaning up after ourselves. My brothers now are decent husbands who equally help in the home. She can do the same with her younger kids, once over a certain age the same rules apply.

If she is cooking for the whole family he can eat with them, if he wants to eat separately or at a different time it’s up to him. He is 24 years old, he can contribute a token amount to the family budget for shopping.

He can have his own laundry basket and sort his own washing. If he wants clean clothes he will soon learn.

Ask him to move out ASAP. He's too disrespectful to you, your family and home

It’s very sad but I was in a similar situation a few years ago and for my own sanity I had to not ask but TELL him to leave. I no longer have any contact with him and he’s fallen out with all other friends and family members due to his obnoxious behaviour. If he thinks his dad is so wonderful tell him to go and live with him, you need to protect your family.

Since you don't seem able to reason with him face to face, I suggest you put it in a letter and give it to him with your DH there. The letter should give him one week to change his ways otherwise he must move out as his behaviour is totally unacceptable. The letter should also state that effective immediately you will no longer cook, clean or do his laundry for him and that he needs to buy his own food and contribute to household expenses eg electricity bill. I would also state you are sending a copy of this letter to his father.

I imagine nothing will change except there'll be piles of his dirty washing and mess everywhere but resist the temptation to clean up. At the end of the week, pack his things up and change the locks. When he tries to get in, point to his packed bags outside and remind him of the letter you gave him.

Then close the curtains and ignore him. If he tries to break the door or a window, call the police.

I'm afraid you need to go NC with him. For now anyway, you can get back in touch on his birthday and at Christmas.

He’s a grown adult but also the product of his upbringing. I’m sorry OP, but you can’t fully blame your ex for this, you have got to take some responsibility for raising this vile pig headed monster and unleashing him on the world.
That said, he is an adult now and if he can’t be respectful then he needs to leave. Give him notice and stop doing his cooking and laundry.

I feel sorry for the poor young women who are going to cross paths with him.

To me, he sounds like he resents you. The way you talk about him and and your daughters with your newer partner is very different.

He's 24. He's an adult. Your house, your rules. Invite him to fly the coop and live his life his way, elsewhere. He will sharpen up when he doesn't have other people to look after him. That's not your job now. Good luck.

He’s an adult and he’s disrespecting you in YOUR home. You have to have some boundaries. Throw him out and tell him exactly what you think! That’s the reality check he needs. So make sure you leave the door open for him though once he can behave.

I say this all the time so apologies everyone....is it possible he's neurodivergent? There is always a similar theme when I read posts like this. It's the way in which he sounds like he's been easily influenced to be a mysogynist when he has you and his sisters. YouTube is a nightmare for this btw. I see the stuff my own ND son watches and it's a daily discussion with him regarding how wrong this online attitude is.
I just get the sense there's something a bit different about your son here and you probably know it deep down. It so often goes under the radar. Either way I wouldn't be able to tolerate it and would set some very clear boundaries and this needs to happen immediately or he's out. Can dad take over full time? He's a terrible influence on your girls.

You sound like an absolute saint! Your son is a horrible person so why should you like him? You are, though, enabling him by waiting on him and accepting his disrespectful attitude and I feel sorry for your husband and teenage girls for having to put up with this rude, ignorant slob in their home. Give him his marching orders immediately - pack him off to his dad's and they can be misogynistic miseries together.

I think that is possible too, @Mumkins42
I wonder how often you spend any good times with him? Just the two of you.
If you haven't had a serious talk with him before, I would go out for a Nando's or whatever and talk to him about his future and how he sees things going. Make it clear the present arrangement is not working out. See if he's willing to suggest anything to improve it.
I am surprised at how many posters could treat their own son as if it was a disposable partner. Even if I had to ask him to leave, I wouldn't be giving up on being his mother.

He is a grown adult, he doesn’t need his mom holding his hand. You have allowed this man child to behave like this. Whoever he marries or becomes his partner wonder what life he will give them. You need to stand up to him, he will have to pull his finger out if he has to find somewhere to live. Stop trying to be his friend & start to parent him.

Tell him to pick a door & use it. He's old enough to stand on his own 2 feet if he isn't prepared to respect you or your home. Yes he's your son but he's also an adult! You don't have to like him just because he's your kid. You can love someone but not like them at the same time.

My eldest was a bit like that for a while, he disrespected me, the house rules and would bully his younger siblings. He got many warnings that if he didn't buck up that he'd have to choose a door. I'm disabled and his younger brother is autistic and at just over 6ft, he'd tower over us and make threats to us both. Told him i would not tolerate that behaviour, i didn't tolerate it from his dad and i sure as heck wasn't taking it from him. He didn't buck up, so i chose the door for him. When he refused to leave and got in my face screaming and threatening me, i called the police to come & remove him. They were there within minutes and removed him to his girlfriends house.

They sometimes need that short, sharp shock to make them change their attitude.

My son & I get on great now, he's even thanked me for kicking him out because it made him see that he was on the wrong path and heading for major trouble if he continued it. As he said, he needed the swift kick up his backside. He's sorted himself out, got a decent job AND runs his own business now too. He's got a lovely girlfriend and they are so good together.