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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love but not like my adult son.

446 replies

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:12

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

OP posts:
Duechristmas · 01/03/2024 16:22

Why are you doing chores for him? From 18, or 21 if at uni, he should be buying his own food and cooking for himself as well as cleaning up after himself and if he isn't, he knows where the front door is. He's been mollycoddled and you're part of that.

OtsyBotsy90 · 01/03/2024 16:24

Urgh I hate that you’re getting so much ‘this is your own fault’

Its such a shame it’s gone this way. I would stop doing anything that a grown man should be doing for himself. Try and have more of a lodger relationship with him. Or…. Make him go and live with his dad!

Fannyfiggs · 01/03/2024 16:35

My god, I hate to say this but your son sounds like an incel. Please don't let your daughters have to put up with this shit.

I don't think I'd forgive you if I were your daughter and you made me live with a misogynistic, chauvinistic man like this. He's damaging your relationship with your husband and possibly your future relationships with your daughters.

Please also warn off any woman he gets into a relationship with. Men like this can be dangerous.

Navyblueblazer · 01/03/2024 16:39

Why are you catering to this manchild? My son doesn't behave like this, nor do we cater to him and he's only 17. Chuck him out.

RedToothBrush · 01/03/2024 16:43

I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.

  1. Why do you stay with your DH?
  2. Where have you been for the last 24 years?
  3. He's not just learnt it from your husband.
ViciousCurrentBun · 01/03/2024 16:43

He is looking at your update a 100% an incel, you need to chuck him out.

Ivyiris · 01/03/2024 16:50

He needs some tough love

PcBassoon · 01/03/2024 16:52

It sounds like his stepmom isn't a doormat and won't put up with his nonsense. You need to do the same. He is 24, not 14.

zingally · 01/03/2024 16:52

Sorry, but anyone who openly and clearly hates women, would NOT be living with my teenage daughters.

Honestly? He sounds like a grade A knobhead, and you're currently doing him no favours.
He's 24. It's time to grow up, taste the real world, and see how far his twattish beliefs get him then.

HollyKnight · 01/03/2024 16:54

I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.

Children learn from both of their parents.

I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks

Showing you respect is of no benefit to him because you do whatever he needs anyway.

Pinkdaffodils900 · 01/03/2024 16:57

RedToothBrush · 01/03/2024 16:43

I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.

  1. Why do you stay with your DH?
  2. Where have you been for the last 24 years?
  3. He's not just learnt it from your husband.

She said she split from his dad over 20 years ago, her DH isn't the father she's referring to.

BeesButterflies · 01/03/2024 16:58

UpsideLeft · 29/02/2024 14:03

I'd be quite savage and just change the locks

This!
If you tell him hes got 1 wk /1 month to move out I doubt he would take you seriously.
Locks changed, clothes in bags and off he goes to daddys/ sofa surf whatever. He wants to be an alpha male…stop hanging on mummy apron strings- GET OUT.

CleaningAngel · 01/03/2024 17:10

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:34

I'd love nothing more than for him to move out but he's gone back to college after a change of mind, which I did encourage and I so want him to finish his course this time, so he can get a job that pays better so he can support himself.

I feel sorry for your husband having yo put up with such a monster as a step child, I would of left you by now.
It's not a healthy environment for your girls either, this charade will become learned behaviour for your girls.
Kick him out to live with his father, let it be his problem, if he won't have him, kick him out anyway. He's a grown man not your problem anymore

Loz2323 · 01/03/2024 17:10

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 10:12

I am quite prepared to be bashed and told what an awful monster I am but I can't help the way I feel.
I have an adult son living at home, he's 24 and I just don't like him.
His opinion on woman is disgusting and disrespectful, he's rude to dh and I and has the attitude of a stroppy teen.
He won't do anything asked of him, and if spoken to about anything gives back chat.
He doesn't clean up after himself, has ruined our home by making stains on carpets and scuffs on paintwork etc that he shouts wasn't on purpose if anyone dares to say anything.
He has a very loud annoying laugh that he uses anytime anyone has any misfortune and thoroughly enjoys mocking and putting everyone down.
I think he learnt most of his ways from his dad who had him every weekend growing up, he too hates woman.
I think it's too late to try and change him now, he's set in his way and as far as he's concerned he's right about woman and nothing will change his mind.
He reads books on power and control under the guise of it being assertive management which he claims will benefit him when he gets to be a manager.
We also have two daughters with current dh who live at home although they're younger teens and they are so different, they are polite and friendly and sit with us and talk to us like human beings, we have a brilliant relationship and lots of fun together, they act like they are part of the family.
Ds never buys anyone in the family a birthday card, but his birthdays are always recognised.

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.
I don't like the way I feel about him but it's hard to like him even if I love him deep down.

I tried to raise him right so he'd be a decent human being but his dad had the biggest influence and he turned out like him, he idolises his misogynistic dad who never had a good word to say about me or any woman so he doesn't feel the need to show me any respect either or my dh.

Why in Gods name are you cooking for him, doing his washing and cleaning up after him!??! All you are doing is reinforcing his views of women catering to him, stop it now!

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 01/03/2024 17:14

He can go and live with his amazing mysoginistic dad.

Newchat · 01/03/2024 17:22

By allowing him to stay with you and treat you and the other family members like that you are unconsciously reinforcing to
him that his attitudes and behaviour are acceptable. He needs to learn quickly that these attitudes and behaviour have consequences. I would be asking him to move out and telling him why. Say you love him but don’t like his attitudes and approach. I wouldn’t want my daughters being exposed to that thinking it was normal and if he is to get anywhere in life in work and have a partner he needs to learn the hard way.

Koalasparkles · 01/03/2024 17:29

Kick him out? Easy solution 🤷🏼‍♀️

ilovesushi · 01/03/2024 17:31

Oh my goodness, why is he still living at home. He sounds awful and I would be worried about how it is impacting on your daughters. Get him out asap. So sad that he has been so brainwashed by his dad. x

ellyo · 01/03/2024 17:32

OP, you need to radically shift your expectations of him in more ways than one. You need to (sadly) downgrade your expectations of the relationship you (and your husband/daughters) have with him, and kick up a gear in terms of your expectations of his behaviour. You cannot control whether he laughs at you, mocks you, respects you, you can control alot of other things.

I would start by sitting down with your DH and deciding together what your expectations are for him. Rent money? Taking care of all his own household tasks himself? Speaking respectfully (even if not warmly) with others in the household, and making amends where that doesn't happen? All of the above would be where I'd start. Draw up a contract, stating your expectations - if he wants to stay he signs it, otherwise he has X time to find a new place. Make sure the contract includes a notice of what the pathway will be if he doesn't adhere to it. Kids (and adults) like these need clarity and dispassionate, de-energised boundaries. Don't communicate through shouting, arguing, complaining, nagging. It places all the burden of his responsibilities onto you (and it seems like you've been taking them on). You need to find a way to make sure his responsibilities are clearly communicated to him, and then leave him to decide whether he wants to live with you or elsewhere.

GitTaeFuck · 01/03/2024 17:50

Fuck him out.

Why are you putting up with this? Tell him to try his dad that he idolises so much.

Harrysmummy246 · 01/03/2024 17:52

Students who live away have to do their own laundry etc, stop that at once.
Stand up to him. It might be too late for him but show your daughters that it is not ok to be in this situation and let it continue.

LucyLocket64 · 01/03/2024 17:52

If he idolises his dad so much send him to live with him🤗

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 01/03/2024 17:55

redcloudsunshine · 29/02/2024 11:46

Yes he was a poor choice of father, I had no idea what a misogynist was 24 years ago and I didn't see that side of him until later years.
Not making excuses but I didn't see that side of his dad back then, we split when he was 2 and that sort of content wasn't everywhere.

Show quote history

Not your fault! Think that post was mean to you. As you said, you didn’t know how misogynistic he was. You can only do your best.

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 01/03/2024 17:57

Giving him the year until his course finishes is not at this stage entiely unreasonable but set a date now e.g. 1//6/25 if he hasn't moved out by then you'll be dropping him on a street corner with his bags.

Follow through.

DriftingDora · 01/03/2024 17:59

I feel like his slave I cook for him, make his lunch, do his washing, clean up after him for no thanks and if I so much as complain about his mess, or ask him to do something he tuts and huffs at me or says alright alright and then still doesn't.

OK. here's your answer = don't be his slave! Why are you empowering this man and then complaining about him? Do you really think anything will change while you pander to him? Because it won't! Dirtying paintwork - for heaven's sake, is he 5 years old? It's pathetic.

Have you posted about this before? I seem to recall the part about your son making dirty stains on the paintwork.