He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

I don't really understand how your house can be messy given your routine. On days you are studying, your son isn't home until 6.15 so how does the house become messy? On the other 2 days you're home all day. You say you do a lot of cleaning but your house is still a mess. I genuinely don't understand the problem.

Bit difficult for him to do the night feed when he doesn't have breasts...

I guess mess is entirely relative, so unless I uploaded a photo of what it looks like on a typical day (which obvs I cant for privacy reasons,) then it's hard to gauge.
I may ask my family and friends for their opinions, but I feel they would likely want to protect my feelings.
I personally don't think it is that messy, but I appreciate I'm more relaxed on things because I've come to accept no matter what I do it will be a bombsite by tomorrow, so I just try to stay on top of things as opposed to having it spotless. Our son is nearly 2 so definitely a toddler!

When your son is sleeping I would use at least the first half of the time to sort the washing, tidy generally, wipe the tops down etc. Do the obvious things. Deep cleaning can be done less often. To be fair your husband works long hours, cooks and cleans at the weekend. He is out of order with his demands but he sounds like he does more than his fair share.

Why does someone always try to drag age into it. He’s a cunt. End of. Unless he’s in his 90s or over, he will not be of a generation where women didn’t work etc. he will just be a cunt. no reasons or excuses.

love, you’re worrying about your husband “judging you”. That is not the man to marry. If you don’t see this, any man (of any age) can walk all over you if they want to.

the man who sees the house is a mess and CLEANS it himself is the man to marry.

the man who wakes up to help with the baby DESPITE having to go to work early is the man to marry.

the man who DOESN’T bugger off to they gym all the time while you get no time to yourself is the man to marry.

don’t pander to him now or you’ll he’ll keep crushing you forever.

She gets 3 days a week to do her degree. That's a lot more than her dp is getting to do what he wants. The OP is choosing to breastfeed at night. If she wants to change this then that's completely up to her.

I really wonder if posters would be calling the dp abusive and controlling if the sexes were reversed. A man complaining because he was asked to tidy up after himself would get short shrift on here.

here's a thought - he takes a week of annual leave, you leave the house at 5am every day and don't come home until 7 and let's see how clean and tidy the house is then!

The husband is working a 50+ hour week, comes home and cooks and shares chores at the weekend, pays all the bulls....and he's still getting berated! Men really don't stand a chance on here, do they?
Yes op, I think YABU, simply because if I was him, I'd be pissed off coming home to a tip when you're at home, especially as you've been sat on your arse watching Netflix.
I'm no 1950s housewife by any stretch of the imagination but you're taking the piss here.

*bills!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I think there are two sides to it. It obviously all depends on what is being said and how it’s being said, but if he manages to work full time and do all the cooking in the evenings, then it’s not necessarily unreasonable to expect that OP manages some cleaning alongside her full-time commitment of studying 3 days & child care 2 days.

@hayley3212 you are busy and sleep deprived so it makes sense things have gotten disorganised and messy! But something simple like putting your son straight in his highchair once he is dressed with some fruit and toys means you can throw his pjs in the wash, empty dishwasher and prepare breakfast without him throwing toys everywhere and making a mess. I also don’t lift my child out of the highchair until I’ve put away the dishes and wiped it down. I’d also get him involved in tidying on the days you are home. We clean up with a song before moving on from say Lego to jigsaws so there’s only one thing to put away. We both empty the dishwasher as I leave plastic bits in the front and I ask my child to hand me clothes from a washing basket on the floor which I then sort and fold and then put them away after bedtime. I find them on days I’m home I only need to do a quick hoover and I have time to relax with an episode before nap time is over. I also love nap time as me time and I’d hate to spend it all cleaning.

This. He’d have a slight bit more of a point if you weren’t studying and we’re just a full time SAHM, but jeez, you’re doing loads! Full time studying along with a 1 yo is a huge load and you should definitely nap/relax when your son has a nap on those couple days. I need that nap time to chill and I am (pretty much) a SAHM without the studying!!

" Although I have offered to cook, his new diet is new in the sense he's only been following it for a few months so I haven't had time to learn recipes for it. "

Tell us a bit more about your DH and his strict 'diets'.

Is he overweight or does he have a difficult relationship with food in that it is something he talks about a lot?

I think this story has two sides and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Tbh I don’t know why people are giving your partner so much grief about going to the gym. It sounds like he’s doing plenty around the house too on top of working long hours.

From your post it sounds like you might not be tidying up after yourself. I wouldn’t be happy to come home after work (8-6 is a long day) to find dirty glasses and crumbs on the counter. If you didn’t clear up after yourself it means he has to before cooking dinner and I don’t think that’s fair.

Surely when your child is in nursery there shouldn’t be much mess. Also, if you’re spending the day out with your son, you can get home an hour before your partner to clear up any mess from breakfast/lunch while ds plays on his own for 30 minutes.

It’s not necessary to clean the toilet and hoover every day, but it is considerate to pick up after yourself when you live with someone.

If you’re really struggling, speak to your partner and see what needs prioritising so you’re both happy with your living environment. He shouldn’t be expecting you to clean the house top to bottom everyday, but not wanting to find dirty dishes on the counter is not
unreasonable.

She gets 3 days a week to do her degree. That's a lot more than her dp is getting to do what he wants

She is going to uni! Not "doing what she wants". It's not downtime

Her dh gets 2 hours every weekday morning for his hobby. In addition to 7 unbroken nights of sleep a week.

The OP doesn't actually get any downtime does she? She studies and then on the days she isn't, she manages the house and child. In addition to that, she never gets a full night's sleep.

I’m of @TheBayLady ’s way of thinking. Get your degree finished, get married, get a job. Get a divorce. In that order. A man who demands you have the house to a certain standard when he gets home is not a man you want to be married to long term. But better to marry him first to protect your interests.

Absolutely what I'd say to him!

He can give a bottle (help out with stopping the breastfeeding) - pick the child up and bring them to the mum to feed and then take them away.

And for @Ghentsummer - doing her Degree is not something she does 'for herself' - it is to help the whole family (longer term view) - similar to how him going to work helps the whole family (maybe shorter term view as gets in money).

Her studies are effectively her job at the moment as they agreed (as a family) that she does the degree. It is NOT free time!

At least you'll know exactly what shit you're signing up for if you choose to marry this bloke, you'll be walking in to an awful life, openly, with your eyes open. Good luck with that.

But it is doing what she wants! She isn't working to pay the bills and she isn't doing childcare when she's studying. Studying while another adult financially supports you is a luxury.

I agree with you about the sleep but that is again down to the OP's choices.

Haven't RTFT but I once I started a course which meant that I was out at the weekends and DH was at home looking after the dc. The first day I got back and completely lost it as the house was a mess, no dishes washed and DH lying watching TV. I think it's common decency that someone comes home to a fairly decent house. A 10 minute whizz around before hand should suffice to make sure floors are clear.

He does sound entitled! But the crumb and cup thing can be easily sorted and she can stop being nagged when he gets in.

I agree with this, he's only going to get worse when he's got you locked down.

@blablablablablaalb you are assuming what she is studying will enable her to get a much higher paid job than what she could do without the degree. If you add up 27k tuition fees plus no income for 3 years plus 30 hours childcare to allow her to study. It is going to take a long time for her family to breakeven even if she gets a much higher paying job.

And most degrees don't require 30-40 hours a week, especially if they have no lab time which the OP has implied she doesn't have. I know because I did my masters while working a min of 20 hours a week.

This. What other red flags are there?