He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

It sounds very unequal is there a age gap op? He sounds like he wants a 1950s housewife and that all he has to do is work. He sounds controlling and dominating.

I think you need to sit down and say you're overwhelmed already doing more isn't possible and doesn't sound necessary anyway. He doesnt seem to understand your life/perspective that needs to change. Why doesn't he swap the gym for home workouts then he can spend more time making things more equal. How does he support you what bits of your life is he making easier? Aside from cooking and earning as he would be doing those as a single man regardless.

He hasn't buggered off out all day. He's gone to work to provide for his family. If anyone here has a luxury it's the OP who gets to study for a degree while putting her son in childcare. She really doesnt have a lot on her plate. He leaves the night to the OP because she is breastfeeding. What should he do - bully her in to stopping?

If you intend to continue with this relationship you need to confront this attitude head on. Have a talk about exactly why he thinks he is entitled to special treatment (if it honestly is just a few glasses on the side). Because misogyny is at the root of this - he is more 'important' because he has a big man job and brings home the bacon. You're just 'playing' at study and having a nice time with baby. He clearly has no idea what it's actually like to be the main carer and juggle everything else. Going to the gym five times a week - how about he spends one of those sessions cleaning, shopping or letting you sleep? Why don't you get a cleaner if it's a problem? If you accept his criticism and jump to appease him, it will just get worse. It's taken me years of negotiation with my partner to get him to see how much I do and it's still not equal. And you constantly have to adjust it as life changes happen and different people take on different hours/responsibilities etc.

Well it's not just a couple of glasses and some crumbs. There is other stuff like laundry not folded and put away, toys on the floor etc. I think he just used that as an example not it's not the only one.
By chilling do you mean my uni days or when I'm with my son? He definitely won't rethink his gym sessions, also I think his issue is he doesn't want to come home to a mess. So tidying up the mess himself isn't an option. He wants me to do it.

If you've cleaned the surfaces an hour ago how do they get messy again? And on the days your child is in nursery how does it get messy then? Besides, you're not going to be studying the whole 10 hours solid - why not shove the hoover round in a break? It'll only take you 10 mins. Or hoover a room every time you put the kettle on? And why clean the toilet every day? Unless your child has an indoor sandpit to fling around or is heavily into finger painting I'm not seeing how it can get that untidy in a short period of time.

Don't marry a man who thinks he can tell you what to do like that, it's not the 1950s

I hate coming home to a messy house, but I understand that if my partner is at home, it’s for him to decide what is necessary, not for me to dictate. I know he does his best but that sometimes other things are the priority.

I also understand that when you are very sleep-deprived, what appear to be basic tasks may be difficult to stay on top of. Your DP is getting a full nights sleep every night and plenty of time for self-care. It sounds like he doesn’t see that you don’t get that. If he is lacking empathy maybe you need a compromise, eg I will make an extra effort on the tidying but I need you to do some night-waking and skip the gym some days so I have the energy.

Is he trying to sabotage your university studies?

She's studying full time, her DS is in nursery only 3 days a wk, she's busy!

I'd think twice about marrying him.

I don't agree with him demanding you clean up however from what you've described I think you could organise some extra minutes to tidy if you wanted to.
If you split from each other you will appreciate juggling cleaning / working full time / childcare will need organisation.

As you say, he also doesn’t see your studies as ‘work’. How long until you are finished and working? I would consider pre-marriage counselling to iron out these issues otherwise they will bother you both forever.

If he wants to live in a show home then he can pay a cleaner to come in for an hour or two every afternoon.

Get a small basket and run around before he gets in and just pick up things. This is your compromise.

Leave him all day with DS so he learns how hard it can be with a toddler. Do this several times.

Access whether it is a bit annoying or OCD.

On DH's computer desk(where I am) he has left an empty packet of dates and some cardboard packaging.I am not moving it. I have enough to do. I don't have a toddler any more just the big one!😂

Think long and hard whether you want to marry him.

Hmmm honestly I think most people tend to use nap time to get things done. I always did. Don’t get me wrong, I have 2 under 3 and a dog and my house is often a tip, but if I just sat and watched tv at nap time it would be a bomb site. Depends if you’re able to do tidying at other points in the day or not. If you’ve been home all day, then some tidying will need doing (wiping surfaces, clearing dishes, putting toys away etc). If you don’t have any other time in the day then I think it should be done at nap time.

I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

No, he doesn't have to get up early - he chooses to get up early and go to the gym for 2hrs a day!

Aside from making dinner, what household tasks does he take on?

The bit where you say you chill because cleaning is not appealing. I think you both could look at things. Him going the gym every single morning is not on. Would he let you do that? Of course he wouldn't. So why does he get to do it?

Oh come off it. She is not studying ten hours a day. I went back to university full time a few years ago and they said it was 30-40 hours per week, reality, more like 10 other than before exams. He works, he comes home and cooks, he cleans at the weekend. OP could surely tidy round a bit, it really wouldn’t take long.

I have to say, why does it matter so much to him that there are a few things lying around and some laundry not folded? It's all part of day to day living, things are never perfect. If he's like this now, what will he be like later on? You're not a servant!

Only crumbs and glasses?Just seen your updates.
What are you studying that involves 10 solid hours study per day?
Why don’t you tidy/ clear up as you go along?
Are you just a bit lazy?!!

Plasters on the nipples and tell toddler that they are broken works wonders, I also stopped at 2 years. 2/3 nights and you’ll get so much better sleep.

Your fiancé is an arsehole imho

TBH I think it’s impossible to say without hearing both sides.

It’s not a popular viewpoint on here but looking after a child isn’t the same as having a full-time job, and I speak as someone who was a SAHM.

Sometimes it’s the superficial stuff that notices more. So if you didn’t hoover everywhere and clean all the bathrooms every day then you would have time to pick up the cups and glasses which are the noticeable things which seem to irritate him.

Currently as things stand he’s the main breadwinner, who is also paying for 30 hours a week childcare, does the majority of the cooking and does the cleaning and tidying at weekends.

I’m no domestic goddess but I can see his point.

Oh and I’d be night-weaning a two year old ASAP. You could do something about getting more sleep but are currently choosing not to.

Ah it’s tough and I can see both sides OP.

No way I’d let my DH bugger off at 5am and not help with night wakings. But if your son is 2 shouldn’t he be ok with using bottles if he still needs feeds overnight? Then DH could help because DS wouldn’t need breastfeeding. I’d be pissed with his comments when he gets home too.

Buttttt I’ve done 2 uni degrees- nursing and law. And there’s no way I’d ever need to study 10 hours a day! How can you even be productive for 10 hours? Your son does really long childcare hours. Surely you could manage an hour a day to fold laundry or do the dishes? Using naptime is what most mums do- because we don’t have a choice! That’s when my laundry gets done, my floors get cleaned, my dishwasher emptied. I don’t enjoy it but it needs to get done.

He chooses to get up early and go do his hobby. He chooses to ignore the fact you are up several times in the night and chronically sleep deprived. He chooses not to notice or care where your time goes because it isn’t convenient for him

you should say: I’ve been thinking about what you said about tidying and I have no time to tidy. You seem to find two hours each day to do your hobby of the gym, while I get zero hobby time ever, and wake up multiple times a night with our child. I’m too tired to get any more done. Perhaps when I get hours of hobby time every single day I could consider adding in more tidying.

and from his reaction to that decide if you should marry him. From what you’ve said he’s another selfish man who thinks his life should be fairly unchanged by a baby and his partner is more robot than human, so I think you probably shouldn’t.

WTAF - this guy needs a few days home with the baby to see what it entails.

He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day.

Maybe he needs to pay a housekeeper if the house being untidy (with a 1 yr old!) makes his life stressful?

Things need to change? what things? Is he saying you need to do more unpaid manual labour to make his environment nicer?
Is he saying you need to stop spending time with your child?
Is he saying you need to stop focussing on studies?

I really fkin doubt he is saying HE needs to pick up more of the unpaid manual work that is making the environment "messy"

What happens when your uni finishes and you go off working full time?

If my DH said that to me - i'd kick off royal

ITS NOT YOUR JOB TO TIDY THE HOUSE! Youre not a cleaner - you're a resident.
You're studying full time.... You both live there! Its YOUR house...
ITS NOT YOUR JOB TO TIDY AFTER THE BABY - you both made that baby... you just happen to be the mum

Do not - i repeat - do not swallow this and make it a boundary that he has crossed with no recourse; do not start to make the house tidier.

MAKE IT MESSIER!!!! MAKE IT A FKIN PIG STY, with the reasoning that the study and the childcare made tidying up low priority. Dont jump to his demand.

Because that's the start of enabling bad behaviour by acceptance is showing him you're there for him to control, for him to demand and you jump and say how high. You're meant to be a partnership - not a puppetmaster and puppet.