He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

Oh I don't know, maybe because he's at work while she's at home?! She's not at university for lectures the whole 10 hours a day, 3 days a week. And when she's at home, because of having no lectures, she's not studying the entire time. So she could shove the hoover round for 5 mins or spend 10 mins putting toys in a box or wiping down the surface she's scattered crumbs on. It's not difficult!!

She's getting a degree to enable her to contribute financially to the home.

A gym routine that he refuses to change, a strict diet 🤔
Obsessive bodybuilder type, amirite?

I think you could make a bit more of an effort. Or get a cleaner.

I have two toddlers and tbh the house is untidy when they are up. They don’t have access to all their toys. This allows me to do a few minutes of a tidy up once I get downstairs in the evening after they are gone to bed.
It looks untidy when my husband gets home from work but its nice to be able to relax in evenings in a tidy house.

What one person considers messy is absolutely fine to another and sometimes in a relationship the two people have very different ideas of what is messy. That can be challenging.

The last house share I had was eye opening because one housemate was a complete slob and one was over top and everything had to be perfect all the time. I could never rent with other people again after that way too stressful.

Don’t marry him, that’s all I’ve got to say.

Is he taking steroids?

Performance enhancing drugs. Can affect men badly.

Personally, I live in a shit tip & dont want to be judged. I'd leave this situation, would be terrible for my MH.

You're right in that sense but we did agree this when I got pregnant. I was 19, in my second year, it was unplanned but he made a lot of promises, one being that I could still continue my degree after our baby turned 1. So it's not like I just randomly decided I'm going to start uni and expect him to fund me not working. He knew it was important to me. He wanted to be the main provider, if I got a job now it would be minimum wage as I don't have much work experience.

which is what she is already doing if you read the thread properly. I suspect doing a degree and looking after her child probably ends up more than he is doing so again perhaps he should just pull his weight. It so sad what some women feel they have to put up with and that they think these are their "little woman" duties rather than have a functioning partnership. I am sorry you haven't experienced one from the obvious tone of your posts - or you're a man believing its a woman's duty to do all this for you. If the former I am sorry for you and if the latter bore off.

And no definitely no steroids etc. He is super healthy, that's where the strict diet comes from.

Totally agree with this.

Don't rush to get married, you are very, very young and assuming he is a similar age are both still developing and finding out who 'you' are.

If he is older than you then that is a bit of a red flag too so keep an eye on the situation, get financially independent ASAP so that you have choices an are not trapped.

Marriages of convenience and circumstance rarely lead to happy fulfilling lives.

With the amount of time he is out of the house you are from a practical point a single parent, gong it alone and working would be preferable to being his skivvy.

Okay, but that IS a luxury and she is only able to do that because there is another adult currently willing to pay the bills.

You don’t need a degree to “enable” you to contribute financially to the home, you could walk into the nearest cafe or shop and start your first shift a few hours later with your first pay check that week.

Being able to study full time as an adult with a child is a luxury, not a given.

Ok. One day, do nothing at all. No cleaning, no washing up, no tidying. Show your p the house at the the day and tell him that's what happens when you do nothing.

Does he ever look after dc on his own??

Also, don't marry him.

I'm sorry - i missed the bit about academia being equal to a hobby? Can you explain?

She gets 3 days a week to do her degree? That's not a hobby... that's academia and study, not coffee mornings and afternoon tea or visits to the gym...

OP is choosing to breastfeed at night? Fair enough this could be done by expressing milk and passing the task to dear old dad.

Other than caring for your child, your uni work takes priority because if the father of your baby turns out to be controlling then a decent-paying job is what will allow you to escape (if you need to). When you became pregnant, your partner made a deal with you that if you kept the baby then he would enable you to finish your degree. If expecting you to keep things pristine interferes with that, then he is breaking his deal. It's up to you if you feel safe pointing that out, but if you think that pointing it out would make you UNsafe, then THAT is something you need to think about.

I think it would be ok to focus on the tidying that he sees and complains about, rather than on the invisible aspects of cleaning like cleaning the toilet daily. In other words, rather than increasing your efforts, change what tasks you do. You may also want to get toyboxes that your toddler cannot open, so that you can be playing with one or two toys rather than your toddler tipping toyboxes on the floor.

Definitely keep going with your degree, get a job afterwards and start building a career. Keep financial independence and getting a pension in mind. You have a long time for a pension, it's something to consider though. Re: financial independence, many women feel like it's not worth it because their partner earns more than them. It's always worth it, even if you can only get part way there. You're earning, building a pension and work experience. I'm in this position and I still think it's worth it, my job is much lower paid but has scope to progress in the future and something is better than nothing.

I wouldn't have another baby with him, or marry him as his attitude is a red flag. You are studying, looking after your child on the other two days and you are up all night with the toddler. It's hard to function on no sleep. He gets a full nights sleep, on the other hand.

He is being unreasonable, I have older children and DH and I are both working from home today, just said to him that the house looks like it's been burgled 😂. We'll clean it later, children are like tiny tornados.

Why aren’t your older children tidying up after themselves?

Hmm if you tidy and clean all day and you feel mess is created by your son then only his play area should be messy no?
In addition, the glasses in the sink and crumbs on the worktop are not caused by him. And if it is only this then it's not difficult to sort out when he comes home.

They had agreed that she would finish her degree. It will help her (and them) in the longer term if she can get a better paying job. Everything is so expensive now, it's not easy to survive on minimum wage now.

I’m surprised at these responses. He comes home after being at work and even cooks dinner, whilst OP says she likes to nap or watch Netflix !

What are you studying?

FWIW, We tidy before bed and I have a quick clean of whatever I use when I get up early morning for the gym. I would be so angry if I came home every day to mess that I didn’t create because my partner has the following excuses (that you have used):

-Likes nature so wants to go out (same but sadly I pay the bills)
-Dad might ring (how long do you talk for?)
-Had to change a nappy (you what?)
-Need a nap (what will you do when dc doesn’t nap?)
-Studying (all day?)
-parenting (not a get out clause! Clean with your dc)

Thank fuck, I thought I was going mad!

Agreed.

Does he clean up after cooking?

I can't work out how the house is a mess daily if the basics are done. If you are home alone on when your child is in childcare what mess is being made?

I don't think you answered previously, but do you have a dishwasher?