He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

Yeah I have to say I can see both sides.

If he cooks & helps with cleaning at the weekend then it’s not as if he is doing nothing and although I totally appreciate you are studying not just sitting at home watching TV all day, the reality is that you do have more opportunity than him to do the cleaning/tidying as he is physically not home to do it mid week. I work from home 3 days a week and on those days I do the washing, dishes, the hoovering etc because I have the chance to do that while I’m waiting for the kettle to boil or on my lunch break, straight after work when I’d usually be driving back from the office. My husband works from home 1 day a week (I’m in the office the other 2 days) and on that day he does all of those things. Whoever is at home all day does the cleaning/tidying because they do have more opportunity to do it so I don’t think he’s unreasonable really. Obviously I don’t mean like a proper deep clean, everything immaculate, but things like doing the dishes, wiping the work tops down etc yeah I think is fair enough to ask, I also would hate coming back to a messy house and alot of those things you could have done with just a 15 min whip round before he gets home.

If he does not like what he defines as untidy then I am sure that you are not preventing him from doing something about it himself.

"You are right dearest , I wish the house was tidier and if you need any help with that don't hesitate to ask and I'll see if I can fit it in "

Maybe just say fine if he does the same for you for the mornings?

For those saying my son doesn't need to be in childcare 30 hours a week for me to go uni. Yes he does because my lectures and seminars are not back to back, they run from 9-6 so I have to have him there all day otherwise it would mean me travelling an hour to pick him up to drop him off again an hour later. Makes no sense and not fair on him because it would be too hectic.

It sounds like you need to sit down together and figure out how much time you each spend during an average week on a) work/study, b) domestic tasks like housework, shopping and cooking, c) childcare (I'd suggest counting night wakings as double given the disruption!), d) leisure. And then you see how they balance out - ideally you should both have similar amounts of d, with both of you reaching a similar total for a+b+c. It's hard to tell from your posts how this calculation would go as things stand, but it gives you a sensible basis for working out a fair allocation, including deciding how much total time on housework is required across the course of the week.

Why would an age gap immediately mean he wants her chained to the kitchen sink?

But I see people's points tbf, maybe I am being lazy by not tidying up when he naps. I think I would feel different if I wasn't being woken up so much at night tho and that's not an excuse, it really is hard. And it's not like I'm choosing for this to happen, I've been trying for weeks maybe even months for my son to sleep better but he just doesn't. I sleep in his bed most nights so we don't disturb his dad, but even then, he still wakes up screaming.

I tend to use nap time as a time to get some housework done and then if still asleep I sit and watch TV. Sounds like you don't? He should pull his weight but so could you. I suspect he isn't as unreasonable as some here think.

Maybe he could tidy rather than go to the gym. A hole that he is.

Furniture polish sprayed on to the back of the door he comes in through.
Done.

Hmm, it’s hard to know what level of mess he’s really coming back to. I’ve got a two year old and a (nearly) one year old so I know how quickly they can devastate a tidy room. However, your DS is in childcare for 30 hours a week, your DH financially supports you doing your uni course and cooks every night and cleans at the weekends. You have a lot of support (more than most) and I’m wondering why you can’t do half your uni studying in the evenings when your DS is in bed and your DH is cooking?

If you do nights then a nap is reasonable and should not be used for tidying. Let him not go to the gym to tidy instead.

You say that you e been trying to night wean for a while. You need your partner to help you and just because he gets up at 5 am doesn’t mean that he can’t. My partner gets up at 5am because he start work at 6 am, he has and will continue to get up during the night to help me when I need it. You need his support with your son to be able to break the night feeding habit ( I have 3 kids and have had support night weaning them off the boob for all of them ). He’s choosing to get up so early for his gym sessions, and if he helped you do this you then would probably feel less overwhelmed with the other things.

He also needs to realise that in a house with small kids there are ALWAYS jobs that need doing - toys that need tidying, laundry put away etc etc.

He needs to help you become less exhausted with the night feeds and then he may get more of what he’s requesting of you. It’s a partnership, he helps you out with the things you are struggling with and you help him out too. But all the house stuff during the week isn’t just on you. It’s not the 1950’s !

Obviously he is being wildly unreasonable. But as a completely different issue- are you really supposed to be studying 30-40 hours a week? I would be concerned if I was your supervisor. Or your mum, to be honest.

Here is an idea, marry him finish your degree then divorce him. If you don't you will be homeless and will struggle to get a penny out of him for your child.

It doesn't at all. Just enquiring. There seems to be an unequal dynamic. Sometimes if a partner is much older and the one at work, whilst one is studying/doing childcare it can create an unequal balance where the one not at work is seen as lazy . Age gaps can play a role in that but not necessarily. So can being selfish/misogynistic person many numerous things.

What degree are you doing that requires 40 hours a week? Do you have lots of placements? I did Law and only had 15 hours of lectures.

So you know that different degrees have different requirements? Mine was 33 hours in uni a week. Add in the extra study, and you've got a full time week.

Tell him to pay for a cleaner

That's what they say, but no I don't actually spend that much time studying a week. It really varies depending on deadlines, anything I need to catch up etc. I have to have my son in childcare for 30 hours a week though because of my schedule.

Yes but unless students are in placement heavy degrees the majority are able to hold down lectures, studying, working PT and mighty fine social lives. I would expect OP to be able to get a degree and tidy up a cup and some crumbs tbh.

He is a lot older than me yes.

lol yes I may suggest this

@hayley3212

I know this is really unhelpful but thank you for reminding me of how lovely it is to be single.

Please don't marry this man - he's not for you - these issues will get worse not better.