He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

My husband is 15 years old older. He cooks the dinner and the ironing plus putting washing on. He also helps at bedtime. He works full time. I do most of the hoovering and general cleaning, washing up etc etc as I am the one at home more. Obviously I do more housework as I am part time but I think we have a good set up. He was taught to do these things by his parents.

Ah that’s because his work is more important than yours. Trouble is you’ve already got a child and if/when you separate he’s always going to expect you to be available.

You’re already doing most of the housework. I’m a clean and tidy person but leaving a few cups and glasses out isn’t really mess - it’s just normal isn’t it? It’s not as if you look at a glass on the worktop and feel stressed at the huge task ahead of you! He sounds obsessive. I know how soul destroying is when you’ve been working hard all day and they come home and pick on the one small thing you haven’t done or you’ve done wrong.

It’s quite shocking that so many people on here think that you should be keeping on top of everything just because you’re at home.

If he is he might be feeling as tired as you do. I know mine has less energy than me.

Thank you yes, I really feel like if the sleep situation was different then I would find it easier to do everything else. I can't concentrate on uni work when my son's in bed because I put him down at 7/8, have my dinner, but by 10/11 he's awake crying for me. Nap times are hit and miss, somedays we end up contact napping. I know if I lay him down he will fall asleep on his own after a minute or two of crying (which at this point I don't mind), but somedays I can't cope with the screaming and give in to save my sanity.

I think if his dad helped more with the sleep issues it would be a lot easier, and I think he would be happy to so I will bring this up with him.

Maybe he could skip the gym though!

Why why why stick with such a selfish ignorant fuckwit?

Just wipe crumbs up and rinse cups ten minutes before he gets in or as you go. Set an alarm! Problem solved.

He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day

I'd reply "and I don't want to do every single night feed. You've had around 800 nights of unbroken sleep in comparison to my 800 nights of broken sleep. I do what I can"

Ditto, pay for a cleaner and schedule it an hour or two before he comes home. That way he sees it at its cleanest.

I am a SAHP with a SEN child. The mess created every day is extraordinary. I tidy when he's at school, but then he comes home, makes a huge chaotic mess over three hours, and by the time DH comes home it's a tip again, and it doesn't look like I've done anything.

Also another perspective, if your DH is doing all cooking then I would make an effort to tidy just the kitchen so he has a clean slate. I do find it frustrating when my DH doesn't clean dishes and I have to wash stuff before I can start using the kitchen.

You're at home at least twice a week but prefer going to the park etc on those days, fair enough but perhaps tidy in the morning before and a little after, while he's cooking? If this were the other way round the DP would get his ass handed to him.

Well if it is so achievable looking after a toddler and getting all the housework done he can take a couple of days off work to coincide with the days you are not doing uni work, you can have a lovely day out of the house so you cannot be asked to join in and he can look after his child and really tackle all that housework.

Has he ever looked after his child on his own for a day? Not a couple of hours? A good 12-15 hour day. Because when you are a team of 2 it is easy to know you can disappear off for a poo knowing another adult is watching the child. So suggest this to him. This goes one of two ways and you cannot lose, he realises it is hard work and apologises, or he decides to brazen it and lie and tell you it was really easy in which case you say excellent you can do it again on the weekend.

Lots of sahms or part time workers fall into the family time at weekends meaning the chap has never had to one on one look after their child because the Mum is always around. He needs to build that bond with his son so one on one time it is.

I get the not tidying up when he’s napping, for me that chilling while they nap gave me the energy to then do every night waking, up early etc

I would marry him, stay married for 6 months, and then divorce and split assets equally. A man like this will be a twat either way.

In which case why don't you have time to get the basics done for at least 3 days a week?!

Fuck this shit. The tidying when you have a toddler is relentless. I can't remember the last time my house was perfectly clean. It is what it is. You sound like you already do much more than I can manage in the day. You are entitled to TV time or a nap. Night wakings are brutal.
So - explain to him his nasty behaviour needs to stop or seriously consider this marriage.

You can't have a cleaner if it's not tidy, that's not how it works.

I don't understand those saying clean for 10mins before he comes... then that just feeds into his entitlement...why does he get 5 hours a week (or whatever if you include weekends and travel time) to himself to choose to go to the gym...when do you get to do that? Do you get to say that you are unable to wake at night to feed and it is all on him? Who made him boss? I wouldnt marry him.

There's some mixed messages in your post OP. You admit the house is a mess but then say it's just a few glasses in the sink.

If your partner knows you're chilling at home watching Netflix, then I can understand his point. It sounds like he's working huge hours and then doing all the cooking and a lot of the cleaning at weekends too.

I guess the question is, is it really messy or is he just being pedantic over a few glasses? And if you're out all the time (and your baby isn't yet a toddler), not sure where the mess is coming from?

I think you can find the time to get the home tidied up before he comes home. I’d leave the house messy all day and get on with what you need/want to do, then allocate 30mins at the end to tidy it up.

Tidying up is a normal part of being an adult. We all have to do it sadly and yeah there are times when i’d much rather not bother. If you lived on your own without him, you’d still have to do it at one point or another.

So I still BF my 2 yr old and last night was up between 3.45-5.15 with them.

When I have the odd weekend away dad has done putting to sleep and overnight waking and has always gone better.

So we recently have started dad doing Thurs/Fri/Sat bedtimes and overnights and low and behold if dad outs little one to sleep she sleeps through and doesn't wake.

So I'm assuming at 10hr days your child has dinner at nursery. And I know when I pick my LO up all she wants is boob and cuddle when we get in and 30mins fly by

Why are there countless glasses and dishes though if he works away from home?

Do you both do the dinner dishes before bed which I assume would leave very little accumulated in the day from just yourself?

I'd prioritize the surface mess and washing up is a big one for me especially if you can't access the sink.
Do a quick reset before bed each night.
My brother loves his robot hoover. Any other helpful ways to manage household tasks as well? We try and do a load of laundry in the evening to hang out before bed .

Nailed it

I do always have the basics done on those 3 days IF I am at home and don't have a pressing deadline. But not all the time because some mornings I'm so tired I sleep through my alarm, wake up late, then it's a rush to get me and my son ready, make breakfast and leave (whilst my son has tipped over 3 boxes of toys and emptied a whole cupboard.)
Then I could be at uni all day and so by the time we're home at 6:15, the house is a mess.

In which case why doesn't he have the time to get the basics done himself ?

If her child is an average two year old, then the house is probably being trashed on a daily basis, far more than OP is letting on.

Sounds like the core issue here is sleep. Once your DS sleeps through everything will fall into place. Lack of sleep really affects me- like I can’t function with at least 8 hours. That’s why we did sleep training with our 2. My youngest is 2 and sleep training saved me (and everyone else in the house). I’d strongly consider it especially as at 2 there shouldn’t be a physical reason for him needing the boob? It just sounds like a comfort thing.