He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

And no one is obsessed with you. You just keep posting.

😂

It depends on the student. And the institution. I know people who took years to complete undergrad degrees because of one ailment or another. But they studied at post-1992 unis, so that could be why. There is certainly a cut off point, though.

It was just a suggestion. It's not as though anyone's saying she must do this. And even if they were it wouldn't make an iota of difference because Op is a total stranger and will make her own decision

@Ramalangadingdong

Well, from my observation caring for a child is a huge job. Leaving the housework aside, I just wonder if she needs to give herself a bit more leeway. It is stressful to raise a young child AND study full time. I couldn't do it. And didn't have to, thank goodness.

It is indeed a huge job. As is working with a child, I don't disagree with that at all. What I'm questioning is why the assumption has to be that it's the OP that has to make sacrifices, not the partner. And the assumption (very evident on this board) that the OP's degree is less important than the partner's job.

Obviously we don't know what institution the OP has gone to, but I just wanted to make the point that often on these boards people studying with kids who are posting about taking breaks are doing a postgrad or vocational qualification, because they are not 20. Typically undergrad is more rigid in its rules. One of my classmates got pregnant in year 4 of 4 and did her finals with a 3 month old as that was easier than the red tape not to, and she would have had to pay another year tuition fees. This was 2006 though!

I don't feel controlled, but he does have an influence me a lot. Isn't that normal though? I think he just wants the best for me, he does let me do what I want within reason I'm not a prisoner.

How nice that he wants the best for you and let's you do what you want within reason. LOL. He talks to you like he is your boss or your father. It's not normal. You'll see it for yourself in about 10 years' time and will be crying because you've wasted the best years of your life on a controlling arsehole.

15 years age gap means you were 19 and he was 34. Again, you will wake up in about a decade as to just how CREEPY that is.

If it feels like a sacrifice then she shouldn’t do it. We are all different. To me it would be helpful, not a sacrifice. I had to string out my PhD for so many different reasons but realise that is very different to undergrad and is very common take time out while doing it.

i am not that bothered about what he is doing because he hasn’t asked for advice on here. My suggestion is not so much to enable op to do housework but because she sounds exhausted. I know it is normal for mums to be tired but if she has the opportunity to give herself some space I would encourage her to take it.

You wouldn't be able to string out your PhD nowadays.

As a gym goer myself I would question whether gym time is chill time. You have to make the effort to get there. Working out isn’t fun - I feel the effects after the workout not necessarily during. I don’t think many of us have the discipline to get up at 5 each morning to go to the gym - which is probably why people are seeing it as some kind of playtime.

@Ramalangadingdong before having a DC I used to go to the gym 4-5 times a week before work and I LOVED it. It was something I did for myself and I felt so good for it.

Some day I hope to get back to that but for now I have a 2 year old so - like every mother - I don't have time for that level of gymming. Same with my DH, he scaled back his sport significantly.

I think it's so selfish of the OPs DH to assume he can keep his hobbies and she will just do extra to cover it, then he moans that she's not doing it well enough.

As a parent and gym goer myself I know I prioritise my children and keeping the house going because that’s life. I missed the gym tonight for meetings, I won’t be able to make it up tomorrow because there is too much going on and I need to make sure our 8yo does his homework, The gym time is personal time you are choosing to put into the gym. Where does the op get any of this personal time? She’s too fucking tired.

@Codlingmoths You're right. Gym time is leisure time. I'm sure the OP would like some leisure time too. Getting up at 5am for the gym also has suggestions of OCD, backed up by obsessive tidiness ideas.

Going to the gym is absolutely something you do for yourself, for the physical and mental benefits. It is more fun than housework or indeed, cleaning away dishes, weaning and potty-training etc.
I started going to the gym again last year, when my youngest was old enough to become a member and therefore come with me, or be left at home for an hour (which is all I am comfortable to leave him so far).
I cannot go when the gym opens (at 6am here) because I need to get everything ready for work/school, make packed lunches etc. if I could go that early, I totally would as it gets it out of the way. I find working out great for clearing my head and reflecting on work issues.

And the other point, being a single parent, since I now afford myself time to go to the gym, guess what? My house is much more of a mess and the laundry piles up because there is no someone else to sort it out for me. Funny that.

Not only is the OP too tired, there’s no-one offering to look after her DC while she goes. Not even the person who is their father and partner.

This.

also “I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.”

you’re doing plenty.

I really feel for you OP and the situation. The reality is that probably both of you have a point, you and DP, but you are at completely different stages in life and therefore have different priorities and standards. From what I’ve read it sounds like you were a typical student and now have been thrown into this situation and have needed to grow up quickly, expected to be a mother and keep a home too. Very hard for someone so young so well
done for doing what you’re doing especially with no real support from your parents.

But you are where you are and if you’re going to make this work you’ll have to have some honest conversations with your partner as adult to adult.

He tells you what to eat and drink.
When you complain you are finding things hard he lectures you about discipline and time management rather than supporting and empathising with you or providing practical help.
He knows that you are struggling with lack of sleep, but instead of taking over in the early morning so you can rest, he chooses to use that time to go to the gym.
You both spend the same amount of time working, yet he assumes you should clean his house.
He got together with a Uni student, got you pregnant, and now seems to think he's doing you a huge favour by "letting" you complete your degree, so long as you also fulfil the role of the 1950s housewife he thinks he's entitled to.

I'm on your Mum's side.

I'm not sure about the controlling bit. I don't feel controlled, but he does have an influence me a lot. Isn't that normal though? I think he just wants the best for me, he does let me do what I want within reason I'm not a prisoner

within reason ?!?!

Fucking hell….

All hobbies require discipline and commitment and aren't always fun. I do am dram. I'm not full of energy rushing to rehearsals for 15+ hours a week before a big show. It's not super fun re-running the same scene over and over because someone keeps tripping over a line or the director wants a certain sequence of movements. It's not easy peasy to learn pages and pages of lines and practise changing your costume off in the 30 seconds you might have between scenes.

However, being able to do it because my DH is willing to stay at home and put my daughter to bed on his own 3 nights a week for 2 months, and because my job is 9-5 and pays well enough to cover the costs, is a massive privilege. I do it because the sense of accomplishment and the pride every time you feel the audience absorbed in the story on the nights of the performance feel incredible.

The gym is exactly the same, it's a hobby, it takes discipline to do it but you do it for the outcome, for yourself. It's absolutely "you" time.

I've been in your DH's place. 2 or 3 nights a week, and then every night the week before the show goes to production. Always worth it. 😁

Only 10 hrs a week? Well, either you're brilliant and could do it all without effort, or you had a fairly lightweight course. You can't know that the OP's experience is similar.

Reading this post and feeling so profoundly grateful to have a DH who doesn't give a sh*t about the state of the house.

Reminds me of a book written in 40s but reproduced, giving advice to new wives. Something like ' The wife who starts her housework early and continues with it throughout the day is generally able to sit down with her husband in the evening and do her mending or knitting while he reads his newspaper. The wife who still has an untidy house cannot complain when he seeks elsewhere what he should be getting at home.' Some of this is surreally close. Poor OP.

I'm sorry I'm a bit late responding to this one but just wanted to offer some moral support.
I have a 3 year old who has always been a terrible sleeper, he will sleep a few hours now with a couple of quick wake ups but he doesn't go to bed til late, and I now have an 8 month old who goes to bed early but wakes up loads and is up at 4.00am! So I get about 4 hours broken sleep a night.
Sleep deprivation makes everything so hard! It's difficult for people who haven't endured it for an extended period to understand just how much it takes out of you. I know how the smallest tasks feel like so much effort when you're already so drained! When my eldest is home there's no nap times because he doesn't have one anymore. When he's at daycare I am constantly battling with myself whether to sleep when the baby sleeps or get stuff done, and at this point I'm choosing sleep (it's usually only about 40mins anyway!) because otherwise I might actually go insane.
You are 'on call' 24/7 and there's no relief at night time, they're either waking up and needing you or you're feeling anxious waiting for it happen!
My partner and I separated just before Christmas (he didn't do any night wakes anyway) and now it's me and the kids at home. I'm currently in the hospital with my little one and just nipped home to pick up some stuff and it was depressing how messy my home is. But I took a deep breath and told myself I'm doing much as I can and it's just a season, it won't always be like this.
I hope you can have a good conversation with your partner about how you are feeling and hopefully he can understand and you are able to work something out that suits both of you 🌸🌺🌸

I really appreciate him picking up the slack so I can do it, but unlike the gym it's something I do for 2-3 months a year rather than every single day. I get the impression that @Ramalangadingdong thinks that other, less physical hobbies just involve messing about and giggling. Anything worth doing involves hard work.