He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

She uses those days to attend her university lectures. I'll repeat the question I asked at the start of this thread, this time to you specifically:

Are you honestly suggesting that a 21yo who is part way through her degree, has a child with a much much older man, and no career of her own, should leave her degree, to make sure that her home is clean and tidy for her husband?

@SecondUsername4me several other people have suggested that in this thread too. It is truly shocking to witness such pathetic attitudes from other women.

They aren't all necessarily other women. There are plenty of men on MNs including some with agendas. The ones giving "helpful" housework tips might be women but I'm not sure about the ones who think women do degrees as a hobby and should stop if it interferes with doing the housework to their man's standards.

OP, I haven't read much of all this, and there have been a lot more since I read your initial post. I feel for you. It sounds awful. Some posters are talking about a controlling relationship. If you feel they're right, you should try to get out or get support from somewhere. Many yrs ago a friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship. As her friends we were too young to realise it for what it was, although we disliked her DP intensely. It messed her up big time and many yrs later, long after the relationship ended, she took drugs from a hospital where she worked, and killed herself.

As I said, the above might (hopefully) be irrelevant, so I'll respond as I would have done if I'd posted earlier. You're doing well to get through the household chores that you're doing. Nobody can be in two places at once. You can't look after a pre school child while also maintaining a spotless house. It's very hard to study with a child, so you have to fit all your study into days when DC is in childcare. Of course you then want to spend time with DC after collection, so that leaves no time for yourself, and you're entitled to your own time. You can't fit in any more housework. Your DP either has to do more himself or lower his ridiculously high standards. I don't know if you've tried talking to him. Could he have OCD? Glasses and crumbs??? Here's how a supportive DH behaves: When I had young children our house was always in a mess. In those days DH had a lot of evenings taken up with work functions as well as some social things. These evenings I usually slotted in time after DCs in bed to catch up with chores. DH constantly urged me to take an evening to myself. If I got in a tizzy about the mess he calmly reminded me that DCs were more important.

I'm surprised and disappointed by what some posters are saying. Don't start thinking you're doing anything wrong or unreasonable. Hope things get better.

Exactly this op

pause her degree to give herself a break. What comes through in the posts is that she is doing too much. Her partner seems to be doing his fair share while getting up early to do what he needs to do to keep healthy and fit while also helping to make space for her to do what she wants. If I was her tutor I would suggest the break in this crucial first year of parenthood. Students take breaks for less momentous reasons and it is fine. In fact it could give her a chance to get ahead with any reading she needs to do for the course which would put her well ahead of everyone else when she returns. This is just an idea I am putting forward not a directive. Op has to take everything into consideration and make her own decision.

She shouldn't need to pause her studies to give herself a break. If her partner wants the house to be tidier he should be the one to give something up, not her. I don't agree at all that he is doing his "fair share", given he has been getting a full nights sleep for the last two years (she is not in her first year of parenthood) and doesn't seem to do anything in the week other than cook his evening meal to his exact standards while creating a huge mess for OP to clean up. If he was single he would have to do his own washing up.

He doesn't need to visit the gym every day in order to be healthy. There are other less time consuming ways to stay fit. OPs studies are more important than her partners visits to the gym and certainly more important than making sure the house is up to his standards before he gets home.

Your suggestion of what you would do if you were her tutor is quite laughable. If a female student said that they were finding hard to get a break because they had to do keep the house tidy for their partner would you actually advise that they give up or reduce their studies?

Realistically if she gives up or pauses uni she won't get a break. Her DP will cancel the childcare and think he can do even less. She'll be a full time stay at home parent to a toddler having to keep the house immaculate. That's an unpaid job, not a break.

How do you know he would cancel it? Perhaps we should ask op if this is the case?

@Ramalangadingdong it's a guess based on the fact he's a massive knob

@wombat15 i did not say cancel. I said pause. I have known students who take a break for less important reasons - male and female.

I can see that what I am saying comes across as anti feminist because it appears that i am suggesting she becomes some sort of housewife over having a career. But this isn’t what I am advocating.

And in any case why does what I think bother you so much? It is just one view in amongst many others. Not that important. The important thing is what op chooses to do. These are just suggestions/ideas

@wombat15 A huge amount of sense here. Hopefully OP realises this and can see it clearly. Chillingly when I was her age, I had a friend who was manipulated into thinking she should be 'grateful' for her partner's poor treatment. Very easy to be gaslit.

When you say you have known students who pause for "less important reasons" are saying that you work in a university or are you just going on what people have told you? Whatever they have told you, students usually are only allowed to pause if they convince the university they have financial or health problems and the pause will be for a year.
What you think as an individual doesn't bother me but there are quite a few other posters with a similar opinion too. Outrageous that we are in the 2020s and people are suggesting that OP takes a break from her studies to concentrate on maintaining the house to the standards of her partner.

How on earth does it sound like he wants a 1950's house wife? You think a man looking for a house wife cooks dinner every night after being up from 5am, working all day and then on his days off at the weekend, helps with the house work? 😂😂😂 No, he does not.

I feel having someone to help pay for everything while she studies is a huge luxury. I am actually very jealous.

Op I don't think you or or DP are unreasonable, I think you need a discussion though as he is certainly pulling his weight more than a lot of posters are giving him credit for.

She isn't asking for a break though. She's asking if he is being unreasonable to expect to come into a clean and tidy home each evening- whilst she juggles uni and toddler.

If you think that her dh is right to expect this, then yes, you are suggesting she leaves/pauses uni to facilitate a clean home for her dh.

Funny how his "need for fitness/health" doesn't stretch to buying a jogging stroller and running with the child. Or doing classes less frequently so OP can also go the gym. Or staying in and doing online fitness videos at the weekend during dc native so OP can go do what she wants.

OP what's your usual weekends look like, as a family?

For some reason you want me to be that person. We are strangers on the internet so I feel no compunction to explain myself to you.

Op, my advice may not be useful or clear but I hope that you have got some ideas from the thread that will help you moving forward. Good luck!

He is cooking for himself and would do that if he was single. He isn’t clearing up the mess created from the cooking though which he would have to do if he was single and childless. He is only up at 5 a.m. because he wants to go to the gym before work. He doesn't have to do that. He wouldn't have to "pay for everything" either if he had had a child with someone his own age rather than a teenager who hasn't finished their education. He isn't pulling his weight because he has more time for hobbies and sleep than OP. I'm not sure why you think he deserves credit.

Also he is not "helping with housework" or childcare. It is his house and child and the mess is his too so he should be sharing the work.

@Ramalangadingdong

What comes through in the posts is that she is doing too much.

The thing is though that men are never told they are "doing too much". Getting a lot done is a sign of ambition and drive in a man. In a woman it's a sign of over-reaching and getting ahead of yourself.

Women are allowed to work and get things done as long as it doesn't intrude too much into domestic harmony. It's always a woman's job to scale back her financial firepower, her ambition, hobbies and her self-improvement to help facilitate the domestic sphere and keep everything ticking over. If a woman dares to self-actualise too much she always get popped back into her box.

My ex MIL always told me I "never stopped" and "did too much" because I had a job. I had to have a job because my ex kept leaving jobs and earned about a third of what I did. But it was always assumed that even though I was the breadwinner it was on me to facilitate and scale back. It never seemed to cross anyone's mind that I was the one who needed to work, not him.

Why should it be on the OP to scale back a degree which could massively enhance her earning potential (and that of the wider family) so she can do more cleaning/tidying?

Well, from my observation caring for a child is a huge job. Leaving the housework aside, I just wonder if she needs to give herself a bit more leeway. It is stressful to raise a young child AND study full time. I couldn't do it. And didn't have to, thank goodness.

Most of my friends who have children are run ragged by having to work as well as raise a family. None of them was ever in a position to take time off, but would have loved to - even though they value their careers. Op is lucky enough to be able to do that.

I reiterate that what I am suggesting is not about pushing women (or men) into conventional roles. I hope I would make the same suggestion if OP was male.

This is an undergraduate degree, not OU or a part time work-related qualification (I have just finished one of those). You can't just do an "interruption of study" as its known whenever you want. At mine they didn't want you around finishing off an undergrad into your mid-20s as there wasn't accommodation or an extra class space in year 2, 3 or 4. Often there is a maximum of a year within the degree, it's by agreement with the uni, and we are so close to the end of this university year - pretty sure my exams were in May - that it would be madness to do this now.

It seems that everything you say is based on your "observations" and you don't actually have any experience of being a mother or of the way university degrees work in the UK. OP hasn't said that she wants to give up or pause her degree and she would be mad to do so. It doesn't seem that she would have a problem at all if it wasn't for her partner expecting her to do housework to his standards while not doing much himself during the week. He's the one that needs to change not OP.

It seems that everything you say is based on your "observations" and you don't actually have any experience of being a mother or of the way university degrees work in the UK.

You're making huge assumptions here. And you seem to be obsessed with me. I can't say I blame you.

I'm not making huge assumptions that you have no experience. It is pretty obvious!