He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

She hasn't had a good night's sleep for nearly 2 years. He has refused to help with that for 2 years. She's not 'doing nothing all day', she's studying and looking after her child all whilst completely exhausted.

Op, he is controlling & you’ve lost your relationship with your mum. There are a lot of red flags in what you have written, please do consider what many people in this thread have said before you fall any deeper in to this relationship.

This!

Just to add a different perspective, did your DP live by himself for a long time before moving in with you? Assuming this is his first child?

Trying to bring his side, he may have become used to a very clinical routine whilst living alone and he is struggling to adjust suddenly sharing the space with you and a messy toddler and everything that goes with a young family. It’s very easy to keep a home tip top when you live alone. Having this conversation could help understand he needs to make some adjustments too.

You sound quite overwhelmed by it all, and there are plenty of people here giving advice on red flags and controlling behaviour from DP. If you don’t think this is the issue, perhaps consider some steps you can’t take to reduce the stress on yourself and feel more in control.

1. reduce the tiredness ie fully wean DS, get help from DP on how to get him used to sleeping all night ie if DP goes through and just pats him ie doesn’t lift him, will he realise there is no boob, you are reinforcing that he can have boob anytime by going through and lifting/feeding him.
2. get up earlier to get organised for uni, could DS be in his high chair eating breakfast and playing there before leaving for nursery rather than creating carnage emptying cupboards etc.
3. set a plan on what tasks need done each day, it will take less time than you think so laundry on one day, floors/bathrooms another etc OR agree with DO to get a cleaner if it’s a lot of work. your DP will need to share this when you are working assuming you get a full time job.
4. tell DP how hard you are finding it, identify the triggers for him and agree what you will both do differently.
5. could you patch things up with your Mum, getting some help with DS would help you and it must be hard not having your Mum when you are a young Mum yourself.

Just a personal share, when my DD was born, I went back to work three days and found myself trying to do all the housework, laundry and getting grocery shopping done on the two days off, it was horrendous. I decide to go back full time, got a 5 day nursery place and a cleaner and it made such a difference. Actually had more time with DD and my own money and an equal division on all remaining domestic chores.

finally, it’s only a spell, it will pass and gets easier whatever you decide to do.

In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy He has a problem. You can't keep a house to show room standards when you have a child. He's clearly an overly meticulous person, which is fine, some people are. The problem arises when they expect the other people in the house to live like them. There's a big difference between being a total slob and normal "lived in" mess.

If you think it is hard for the DP to get used to the changes in his life, how hard do you think it is for OP? Your post seems to be all about things OP should do to make it easier for him to deal with the changes in his life but I think it should be the other way around. Her life has changed much more than his and will be much harder than most of her peers.

I can't believe how some people seem to think a man in his mid thirties is such a hero because he pays for some childcare so that the teenager he got pregnant can continue her education. He's not doing half the stuff many fathers do on becoming fathers for the first time.

The child is not just OPs. He is paying for some childcare so that his child can be looked after. I don't know if he gives OP any money but if he does it will be a lot less than he would have to pay a nanny to look after his child two days a week and every evening and night.

@Pinkdaffodils900 he doesn't sound perfect no but who is but as far as division of labour goes if he's working full time while op is at uni and paying for 30 hours childcare to enable this. I'd say him cooking plus full time work and her doing house work and uni is about right with her having two days off and posters advising her to leave him or do not marry this man, are ridiculous.
Night feeds she's breast feeding , and even if he wasn't going to the gym he'd still be working from 8 am.
Im not saying she should have the house perfect at all times mine certainly isn't but she hasn't exactly got a bad deal.

She doesn't have two days off if she is doing a full time university course and is is sleep deprived due to doing all the night awakening. The child might not be in nursery two days a week but no doubt she will not be able to fit all her studies into three days if it is a full time course unless an easy one.
People keep talking about him "bankrolling OP" as if she isn't doing her fair share but if he and OP split up and he actually did 50:50, he would still be paying for childcare 2.5 days so not much less than currently, look after the child in the evening and during the night 3 or 4 days a week so much less time at the gym, cook his meal every evening as well. He wouldn't be coming home to a clean house either unless he started washing up after his meals and breakfast and hoovering, tidying his child toys himself.

He did yes, but he has lived with girlfriends before but no kids. I moved in when I was pregnant and he never made comments about the house. I'm defo not a slob lol but I am more chilled out and have always been, even before our son. I don't clean and tidy up as I go, which I think is my problem. I leave it all until I have no choice but to sort it out (which is everyday 😂)

Thanks for the tips I think they are useful, especially about creating a plan. It almost feels impossible tho because I'm really not that type of person to be super organised and plan things. But I'll give it a go.
With my mum, she doesn't live anywhere near me so no help with our son anyways, which is fine. She still works full time herself anyway. I am sad about our relationship but at this point I feel like it's on her to make amends. She has said so many hurtful things and lies to other family members, I don't even want an apology. I'm not that type of person to care for apologies, I just want her to never do it again. It's been over 2 years since I fell pregnant and every chance she has she will talk bad about my partner. It does hurt though, to go through motherhood without the support of my own.

Agreed, I hope this is just a phase and things become easier.

I didn't lose my relationship with my mum because of him, it was her not being able to accept it. I'm not sure about the controlling bit. I don't feel controlled, but he does have an influence me a lot. Isn't that normal though? I think he just wants the best for me, he does let me do what I want within reason I'm not a prisoner. Thank you tho, I have read most of the replies. I just feel a bit confused.

@Pinkdaffodils900 my initial comment that you quoted was replying to poster telling op , do not marry this man! I'm sure op is knackered if she's not getting sleep but these disagreements regarding division of labour are common and can probably be ironed out . Telling op to leave over this is ridiculous as I can't really see that he's doing much wrong , having a moan about untidy house if she's been napping to Netflix.
However OP I would have something to say about him trashing the kitchen every time he cooks.

What sort of things does your DM say?

what sort of things does he have influence on? Do you feel you change your behaviour to fit round him?

The was a program years ago called who rules the roost or something similar. The husband was off to the gym everyday like your DP and expected the kids to be fed fresh veg and fruit every day and the house to be tidy. They both worked full time, and had 3 or 4 kids.

The program made the bloke totally responsible for the kids for a couple of weeks whilst the wife went to the gym etc

The highlight was the toddler emptying her plate of veg over her head and the dad sat on the lounge floor at the end surrounded by mess saying including a dirty rolled up nappy saying "I don't know where it all comes from, it just seems to come up through the floor" 😂 I can still picture it all 15 years later.

Go away for a week, let him be totally responsible for picking up the child from nursery and feeding and cooking and cleaning. He might be a bit more grateful.

He might be a bit more grateful
or he might make the kids suffer, neglect them, put them at risk, so that she's too scared to do it again.

YANBU @hayley3212

Women need to set the bar higher.

Honestly I know you have a baby but this will end in divorce if he doesn't wake up, so avoid the mayhem of divorce and don't marry him or be pushed around by him. X

Get a cleaner. Problem solved.

I think he just wants the best for me, he does let me do what I want within reason I'm not a prisoner.

Sorry OP, loving partners do not 'let' their loved one do things. You are autonomous and have equal power. Please don't let him dictate to you what you should or shouldn't do. That's called controlling.

Blimey he sounds a bully. Avoid

What works full time pays for childcare and all bills so she can go to uni and cooks every night? I think there are worse out there

There are 168 hrs in the week that her kid needs to be supervised, that fact that he's got 30 of them covered by childcare is hardly an example of him being a good father or partner. Maybe the OP will come along and surprise us and tell us he does loads of childcare that she's not mentioned but from the sounds of it she is paying for childcare more than he is - only difference is she is paying with her time and he is paying with money.

And why shouldn't he cook dinner? That's what he'd be doing if he were single. Knocking up a uni student doesn't give him the right to a full time maid. Besides, from the schedule it doesn't sound like he's even cooking dinner for the kid as she does the child's bedtime before they have their dinner.

He can hire a cleaner if it’s that important to him. And you’re not married yet and already you’re seeing his true colors. He expects you to provide the free labor because you’re not earning an income, which is absolutely ridiculous because he would not be able to go to work if you weren’t home with your child.

Exactly this. He’s only cooking dinner for himself.

Hello,

Control is not about being kept a prisoner. Well, in extreme circumstances it is, but no-one starts off in a relationship being kept a prisoner, and actually it’s much more about the controlling person’s wants and needs and views taking priority. A lot of control is done so that it looks like socially acceptable behaviour but actually limits the freedom of the person being controlled. So it is quite difficult for the person being controlled to necessarily spot.

So the red flags for me here are

Food. What you describe is that your partner negatively comments if you drink Fanta, you would not feel comfortable to order a takeaway and he is cooking dinner every night in line with his diet (which is presumably the diet you then have to have too). What I mean by ‘it looks like socially acceptable behaviour’ is that this can be explained by being healthy, but actually, these are not your free decisions what to eat and drink.

Time. He is seeking to control your time by focusing on what he expects you to do in the house when he is at the gym and work, and when you are not managing to keep focused on your studies, because you have a small child and these domestic tasks and are exhausted, his response is to talk about time management and discipline, not to ask what support you need. This makes the issue seem like it is within you, and if you were just more organised and changed how you spend your time, there would not be a problem, whereas in practice you have a small child, you are studying and your partner is making a cooking mess for you to clean every evening. So actually, if you did spend your time doing extra cleaning, instead of speaking with your dad or finishing an essay, that is him being controlling. You have said that you already clean and Hoover every day, do laundry etc, so we are talking about adding to what is already a reasonable amount of housework.

Your own sense of self - he is 15 + years older than you and you say that he influences you a lot. Think about how and why that happens. Do you equally influence him? If not, is this what a partnership should look like? (Red flag for me is that you were a teenager when you met, a student even, and he was mid-thirties, so what exactly did you and do you have in common?).

Your support network - your relationship with him has led to problems with your own mother. When and how do you get to see other members of your family and when and how do you go out with friends? Because you are describing a situation where your partner is out 5am to 7pm, cooks dinner and then you clear up after him five days a week. So he is keeping you pretty busy once you have done your studying, looked after your (joint) son and cleared up of an evening. It’s not surprising that you went to chill watching Netflix when your son naps. But what about seeing friends?

Your prison can have porous walls.

I might be wrong here, of course.

Warning-he is showing you who he is. Believe him. FFS don’t marry him. If he wants a daily cleaner that’s what he needs to get - not a wife with a brain. Tell him the 1950s called and wants him back🙄

And sorry another red flag for me is that you say ‘he does let me do what I want within reason’.

He lets you do what you want?

Think about the way you have constructed that sentence. Why does he have the power here? Why are you not saying ‘we discuss together how things will work and what we will do’?

He lets you. Well, that’s big of him.