He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

The OP doesn't get any real downtime. Even when baby is napping she is still there having to be at home and ready for whenever baby wakes. Whilst also catching up on the lost sleep that only she is suffering from.

Exactly that thought occurred to me.

Having a baby isn't compulsory.

Everything about OPs life, she has actively chosen for herself, even going g against her family's advice to have it

But the other parent that also made the baby gets daily downtime with zero responsibility to the house and the baby. It's not fair.

his gym time sounds like the only time he does something just for him

Plus he gets to talk to the OP like she is a servant.

What a guy.

I guess OP could go out and get a job to pay the bills while he stays home to chill and study

Men really don't see marriage as a partnership, do they. The resentment they feel about the old ball and chain never changes.

And do the childcare and housework.

To chill? Or to parent all day and all night long that she’s not studying? They are two radically different things, and sitting for 10 minutes on the sofa with Netflix while baby is happy because you’re exhausted brain has the intelligence of a zombie, one of the slow thinking kind, is. Not. At. All. Chilling.

when they found out she was pregnant, the discussion about continuing the pregnancy included that she could keep studying. He omitted to mention she could study as long as she could fit it in with looking after a baby and the house and not impinge on his very important downtime which she gets none of. Zero.

I guess OP could go out and get a job to pay the bills while he stays home to chill and study
@Finlesswonder*

He's had his time to study. And he gets loads of chill time.

From the sounds of it she is on call for the baby 24/7 except for when he "helps" out with his own child at the weekend.

@hayley3212 oh you poor thing it is I think probable from your posts that you are in a controlling relationship and because of the age gap have been groomed into accepting it is normal. I suspect that your relationship with your mum was similar and though her concerns are valid (I would be incredibly concerned if you were my daughter) the relationship was fraught anyway.

no it isn’t normal, yes I suspect the age gap allows him to control and influence you and his demands are not part of a partner.

are you in anyway equal

That's not the sort of thing you get to do if you're in your 30s/40s and you encourage a vulnerable teenage student to become a parent with you.

How is it zero responsibility if he cooks every evening after work and helps with housework on the weekends?

during his downtime.

The OPs only downtime she is still stuck being at the call of the baby. The dad isn't. The dad gets true downtime.

The only thing I’d say is that full time uni is not like a full time job. When I was at uni I had a part time job for all of the three years so surely you can’t be absolutely back to back like you would be working in a job 8.30-6? If you can find 30 minutes a day to tidy on the three days your son is in childcare and then 30 mins from each of you at weekend, that would be 3.5 hours a week and surely enough time? It’s not a criticism btw - I’m just genuinely curious that any uni student is approaching it like a 40 hour working week where they can’t do anything else. Most of them don’t get up until 10!

Did you also have a 2yo?

@WigglyVonWaggly

I’m just genuinely curious that any uni student is approaching it like a 40 hour working week where they can’t do anything else. Most of them don’t get up until 10!

And plenty of them work until midnight or later. Ridiculous point.

He pays for a childminder place 3 times a week. Op chooses to use those childfree days to study. She could go part time or pause her studies and get a proper rest

It is very unlikely she could switch to part time. She has probably already paused her studies once for maternity leave.

Students are at university to study, especially if they are doing a full-time degree. Each course will have a number of learning hours, including self-directed study. The students who are working of an evening until midnight do not have a toddler to look after (and a man to clean up after) so can be more flexible in how and when they study. And that flexibility extends across the whole seven days of the week. This is not flexibility the OP has. The idea that studying is an optional add on to work is really detrimental to higher education and indeed, student mental health.

As the parent of a student, who is getting into debt with student loans and I am paying the parental contribution, I am absolutely expecting her to be studying for the number of learning hours required. What other students may or may not do is irrelevant. She is giving four years of her life to doing a degree; I expect her to do her best to get the most out of it. Studying, student societies, travel with friends, all these things, most of which the OP is missing out on because she has become pregnant in this relationship, and is doing the majority of the childcare and all the housework, by the sounds of it.

Studying 30 -40 hours a week to get a decent degree is hardly an indulgence in this situation (or indeed, any); it is the OP’s only way of still being able to have some of the choices she would otherwise had, if she had not become pregnant and they had not decided to keep the baby (which was agreed on the basis of her continuing her degree!).

Part of being a student has always been the student lifestyle which includes being involved in extracurricular activities - which is why you have all those societies they can join during Freshers Week. No student is expected to work to the exclusion of all fun or relaxation. The expected hours of work are spread out over the year and include tutorials , seminars and lectures. I don’t know of any full time students who actually treat it like a 9-5- except when an essay is due in or during examinations when it all gets very intense. For a start matmy students have jobs (waitressing etc) to supplement their meagre incomes.

And in terms of pausing studies: university is not like a 9-5 job where you get maternity leave and that’s your lot. If OP speaks to her personal tutor they will be able to help her arrange a break in her studies if she so requires.

Ramalangadingdong
the OP is not treating it like a 9-5 for fun, she has very real childcare responsibilities so she needs to organise her time in a certain way. And actually, she is not alone in this - many students with caring responsibilities have to organise their studies around such responsibilities.
And I do know students who work from 9-5 on their studies, and do social things in the evening as that is when social things take place. So the OP is not at all unusual in this.
There is usually a limit to how long you can take for your degree - where I work, it is six years full-time.
And OP’s studies have already disrupted with a year maternity leave, so between her and her baby’s father to look after the baby and household work, they should manage to make it a priority that she finishes without further delay. It sounds like OP is doing this, which is to be commended, I would have thought. (Otherwise she has more limited options).

Part of being a student has always been the student lifestyle which includes being involved in extracurricular activities - which is why you have all those societies they can join during Freshers Week.

I'm afraid that's the lifestyle when you do the regular thing of being a single, childfree student. The OP had a baby at 19 while being a student. It's a valid choice (and in some ways a smart one, as she can get at least one lot of baby-having out of the way earlier, enabling her to focus on her career when so many other women her age are off having mat leave in 5-15 years time). But in the meantime, she needs to accept that it's going to be a tough couple of years with not a lot of time for Netflix.

It's not true at all that you can keep pausing your studies. They only do it if the student is suffering from health or maybe severe financial problems and she would probably have to take a whole year out.
You are correct that it is not like a 9 to 5. Most students will also study in the evenings. It obviously depends on the course but I found I had much more time when I started working as evenings were free.
It is far from ideal that some students are doing a lot of paid work nowadays as it can impact their studies but they will still be doing less than OP.

I'm sure that she does accept that there is not a lot of time for Netflix. However, if her partner has time to go to the gym she should have childfree time to do what she want though and that might include Netflix. Studying is not a hobby and neither is looking after a child.