He says I need to fix up and clean the house before he gets home

[hayley3212]

His words.

Him being my partner, soon to be husband, and father of our 1 year old. He said things need to change and he doesn't want to come home to an untidy house each day. I don't disagree with him on that and I would love for things to be tidier too, but I'd like to know how that is even possible.

He works full time, leaves the house at 5am to go to the gym everyday and from there he works 8-6 and is home by 7. When he's home he normally cooks dinner for us whilst I put our son to bed.

I don't work but am at uni full-time, where I'm meant to spend around 30-40 hours a week studying. Our son is in childcare 3 days a week for 10 hours a day. During these days I attend lectures and seminars, study and work on assignments etc. Sometimes I will be at home and not actually at uni, if for instance, there is a reading week/term break and sometimes I just prefer staying at home to study. I pick our son up at 6 and am home with him by 6:15, then we usually play, I breastfeed him and just chill (as it's been so long since I've seen him and I really miss him on these days.) I don't have much time to clean and tidy because I am doing my uni work, of course I do still take time in the day to do this but it does mean less time studying so I try to be quick.

The other 2 days a week I'm at home with my son just the two of us. I say at home, but I try to spend as little time at home as possible. This is because I get really over stimulated being at home with him all day so I take him out to parks mainly because I like being in nature, and we also go to soft play and libraries sometimes too. I do normally take him home for his lunch and nap so theoretically I could use nap time to tidy up but honestly I normally end up napping with him or watching Netflix on the sofa. It sounds silly but I really look forward to nap time because its time for me to just chill or sleep, and the thought of cleaning during that time is just not appealing. Our son has never slept through the night and he's nearly 2. I'm talking waking multiple times every night, so I am exhausted most the time and because he only wants boob and his dads got to get up early, I do all the night settling.

On weekends my partner does help with the cleaning and tidying. But its weekdays he has an issue with. I completely get the wanting to come home to a clean and tidy house, I mean, who wouldn't? But its the expectation that I can and should make this happen, whilst also implying I am lazy for not being able to achieve this, which I take issue with. Our house is definitely not neglected. I tidy up and clean EVERYDAY yet its still a mess. The more time I'm at home with my son, the more mess created, but if I'm out with him a lot then there's no time to tidy up. It almost feels like what he is asking is impossible.
In his eyes, having a couple of glasses in the sink and some crumbs on the kitchen counters is messy. But in my eyes, it's not that deep because I know how many countless glasses and plates I've already just washed up and put away and I probably also cleaned the surfaces an hour ago. He doesn't see this though, he will only notice the things I've not done.

I hoover most days, I do all the laundry, I clean the toilet everyday, make the beds up. I don't mind doing these things but I don't know how much more I can do without sacrificing my uni work or time with my son.

YABU - you could do more, especially when toddler naps
YANBU- he needs to chill out

Yeah you're not a child, no one should have to 'let you' do anything. In a healthy relationship, two adults have a discussion and reach a decision together. He doesn't get to just tell you what you can and can't do though.

He sounds like a twat. Leave the dishes and tell him he can do it instead of going to the gym.

I had me one of those …. And I walked away from uni. Biggest mistake I ever made …. Should have walked away from him instead tbh

she is using the word mess to explain what his issue is, its just how to describe the problem, a few crumbs and some glasses is her definition of mess.

Funny, DH is 77 and manages not to be a sexist arse. Ageist assumptions need to get in the bin.

Your post makes me feel uncomfortable but I can’t put my finger on why. You sound young and as there is a substantial age gap I’m wondering if he is just used to things being pristine at home all the time from when he lived alone? regardless you both have a child and your partner should be doing his fair share of all tasks and parenting. Could you express milk so he can be bottle fed by your partner on a night until he is weaned? X

She’s studying for 30 hours and her ds is in nursery for 30 hours.

What sort of things does she say about him?

She has a lot of studying outside of the hours being in uni plus the stuff she did around the house and taking care of her DC.

I've 3 kids, the youngest of whom is 2 and I try to make sure the place is decent for when my husband comes in. Definitely not because he expects it but because its absolutely horrible coming home to mess! Any time my husband is at home with the 3 kids, I expect the place to be OK by the time I get home. Not immaculate but not trashed. If the kids are in bed when I get in , I expect the place to be tidied because I do it for him. There are different levels of mess and I do think it's important for anyone to be mindful of what is a respectful amount to come home to. A few cups on the side, fine. A trashed house, no, not fine: a problem

I would be very, very curious to know whether and how often the OP’s partner is at home looking after their young child himself over a day and what the house looks like when OP gets back, if this ever happens. I suspect it never happens.

If you have time to write long posts like that, then you have more than enough time to tidy the house 👌

I wonder how long it is since you had a lively toddler? My "baby boy" is 45, but I still half-remember (too exhausted at the time to clearly remember) a child who was lively during the day and slept poorly, that I grabbed a drink only to find that he wanted something, got into something, and it was put down. I grabbed food and found he had filled his nappy, so it was left half eaten. And this was before I went back to work at all.
Hubby only really understood when he had full care of DD - and she was a day napping, full sleeping, played well by herself child - he never cooked, cleaned or did the washing, but still found it hard

Please don't marry this guy, he sounds like a total prick. Raising a child and studying full time sounds like having two full time jobs to his one. If he doesn't like the mess, he is perfectly capable of cleaning it up himself. When I was on maternity leave, the house was an absolute state. Who cares? The important thing is that you are present with your child.

He needs to give you credit for the work you are doing for both their futures, and a discussion as to why he does not.
Is this a denial of being responsible for his own child, pre-wedding nerves, or is it too much gym/restricted diet side effects? Are they altering his personality.

However he is cooking (is HE clearing all that up afterward? Is he cooking for DS? Is this just a way of controlling both your diets?) and taking his share at the weekends? Is he doing any of the washing? Has he ever kept a home for himself - does he understand what that takes? Has he ever looked after DS all day/night on his own? Start your discussion by praising him for what he IS doing (yes I know, he should not need that, and he will not reciprocate, but he is only a man, and they need this)
Do look at HIS mother, was she a stay at home mum? Is she a neat-freak? Did her DH lift a finger? It is a generational thing though, my DH does more than he used to, but expects to be thanked for "helping me" but he is old and his mother spoiled him, he went to public school and had maids to pick up after him, so as a few thank yous and well dones get me what I want, I have learned to live with that. Discussion as to why he thinks you are his mother?

Does he realise that getting up at 5am is probably disturbing you both and contributing to your exhaustion? If he did the 5-8 am shift with DS and then a full day's work, he might be more understanding

Are YOU really serious about giving up the breast feeding? DS should be sleeping alone, take a week during Uni break to knock it out by doing a cup feed if needed and putting him back down, or trying to soothe him back to sleep without. OH needs to take the same week off from the early starts, and do the night disturbances of they are after 5. Make a plan with him and stick to it. It will be tough. You may find you have more time/energy when you stop.

A tactic - try waiting for him to walk through the door - no cups or glasses, and say "well timed, I am gasping, not been able to get a drink ALL DAY - either play with DS while I do, or put the kettle on please"
Try cleaning house, having his dinner ready, DS ready for bed, and the minute he has eaten, clear away, then handing him DS to put to bed while you get your books out - let him know that you have done all of the housework, so now you need time for your studies.

On the converse side, are you doing too much? Are you as organised as you could be? Does he have a really demanding job and earn a lot of money, so he feels division of labour fair? Is he a neat freak himself? Does he feel DS is your fault, or simply not realise how much work a toddler can be? Has his work-life changed or increased? Is the gym obsession making HIM tired?

was that a typo? did you mean "soon to be ex"?

I think you’re perhaps sloppier than you admit. 🤣
But I also think you both have a point - you admit you leave things until they need sorting, which is fine - you’re an adult. And he wants those things done sooner - also fine. The problem is those points don’t seem overly compatible. And on top I’m not sure you effectively communicate to each other the hows, whens and whys.

It tickles me on one hand, because my house was never tidier than when my boy was a toddler. Big toys easy to throw in a basket at the end of the day. Playtime and naps. Now it’s driving him around everywhere, helping with school projects, music practice, non stop talking, Lego and Pokèmon stuff everywhere. 😁 Plus I’m older.

I’d say clean up after yourself as you go, it becomes a habit, but also have a conversation about how he approaches things with you. He doesn’t need to be a twunt about it.

No one needs to go to the gym at 5am everyday, it’s not healthy. Who is he trying to look good for? You or someone else?

No one needs a house that clean.

He is being an arse, if he moans once then he might have just had a bad day at work if he does it repeatedly then he is being unreasonable

Breastfeeding comes before a 5am gym visit etc. I was married to someone like this and as time went on it became more like a hell I was living in.

OP, has your DP's life changed at all since you had your baby?

If he cleared his mess up after cooking your life would be a lot easier. Try telling him that. His response would be interesting.

This. Cheeky bastard. I do know of a couple of friends with husbands like this. You are cleaning the toilet and hoovering every day - that’s a lot already. Tell him to do it himself if it bothers him that much.

Sorry unpopular opinion but i agree with him. It’s equal to the part he is playing in the partnership, if he was lazy and not helping at home i would say he’s being unfair but he does his part he goes to work and brings the money in to pay the bills, his gym time sounds like the only time he does something just for him, then he still comes home cooks dinner and helps clean on the weekends which is his downtime from work. Your role is as full time mother, your study is your work and the keeping the house clean in the week is your additional responsibility while at home. I think it’s about balancing your responsibilities, why not clean up the last hour before picking up your son so that it’s also done before your partner gets home? I think it’s a fair exchange personally and i can agree i wouldn’t want to come home from working all day to a messy home. It might just take a bit more planning on your part but it’s not impossible if you clean as you go.

Everybody in the comments calling him this that and the other is ridiculous when you think about what he contributes to the duties. Now if it’s about this delivery then fair enough but his point isn’t unfair. I think the commenters are projecting because their partners don’t do half the stuff your partner does. Don’t let this be something that ruins your relationship because relationships have been ruined for lesser reasons!

Why should he skip the gym when it’s his time to do something he enjoys and probably needs when he is helping at home and working? It’s not like he’s saying have my dinner in the table and house cleans when i get home.

But it depends on how much leisure and self care time they both get. That should be fair. It always looked from the outside like my DH was doing his fair share but when we actually looked at it I was doing the lions share of the domestic stuff and all of the mental load. And working and being the main breadwinner. We recently went through a phase when he took on all of the mental load and it was a massive eye opener. I still did some cleaning, school runs, other parenting, cooking etc but I’d do the bits I saw, ask what he needed help with but I didn’t have to hold it all in mind. JFC it was easier!! I felt so much more chilled and relaxed. Traditionally women take in this role once kids come along. I do think that the DH does what I was doing. And he’s getting at least an hour if ‘him’ time a day. Women often put their self care last.