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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confused on his justification of “holiday”

129 replies

morebiscuitslessdrama · 29/02/2024 06:25

I have been hesitating on writing this thread given the petty content really.

my boyfriend or shall I say fiancé and I have been together coming up ten years. We have two children together who are 2 years and 3 months old and up until now I have just been brushing this under the carpet for an easier life frankly. I’m just now so used to being told I should be grateful, but everyone else’s other half does much less than him and I just need to get on with it.

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be. I do also work and teach at FE / HE level so fairly lengthy hours and lots of decisions and marking! He works developing housing estates and building is the main provider but like to tell me apparently his job is more stressful than all of the above.

We both decided to have children and here I am sat with them both after another week of him deciding to book a weeks holiday snowboarding because he needs a break. So he has gone and not thought about the fact I’ve got two young children alone and little to no help and basically has spoken to me once a day. Cue generic I’m so tired from the slopes off to bed night….

Best yet is I said I’m having a hard time and his response was “now you see how much I do for you”.

I have started to think I don’t see much light in the future of this and especially not a wedding given the amount of time I have spent unhappy.

like AIBU one for asking for him to not leave me for a week whilst our children are so young so he can holiday? And two for asking for him to contact me more regularly as I’m finding it hard being with the children constantly?

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 29/02/2024 06:30

Ok. So when is your week away because you need a break? I actually think it's healthy for both sides of the couple to get time out especially when there are little kids and work for both to contend with. Those years are just constant grind and resentment otherwise. (A week is quite extreme but if you can afford it then fine). However it needs to go both ways.
Book your own week away, tell him, go and don't feel a minutes guilt about it. He might then appreciate everything you do, he might not. But you will get a break-which is undoubtedly what you need.

PurBal · 29/02/2024 06:32

I’m rarely in the LTB camp. But this isn’t okay. You’re not his slave. You deserve better OP, and your children don’t need him as a role model.

MinnieMountain · 29/02/2024 06:34

He’s being a nob.

My DH skis but when DS was 2 he only went away for a pre-agreed weekend. Now DS is 10 he does a week. No way would he have left me for a week even with one 3 month old.

At least you know you can manage without him.

Riverlee · 29/02/2024 06:34

You’ve got me a three month old and he’s gone off snowboarding. That’s pure selfishness!

smilingeleanor · 29/02/2024 06:34

what does he do OP?

NoraLuka · 29/02/2024 06:35

Are you skiing too but stuck on your own with the kids, or are you at home? Either way it’s not ok unless you get your own holiday at some point.

Sonora25 · 29/02/2024 06:36

Fuck that. Unless it’s a work trip no responsibile parent needs to go on a holiday alonr with a 3 month old. I think you are better off single parent than with him.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 29/02/2024 06:36

Best yet is I said I’m having a hard time and his response was “now you see how much I do for you”.

What a dick. I wouldn’t see a future in this either. He sounds completely and utterly thoughtless and selfish.

I get what the PP is saying about both parents having a break but a lot of Mums (and Dads actually!) would have no desire to leave their 3 month old for a week - or even overnight depending on feeding etc.

Original poster
morebiscuitslessdrama · 29/02/2024 06:36

smilingeleanor · 29/02/2024 06:34

what does he do OP?

He self employed and builds houses / develops land. So it is demanding and I get that.

OP posts:
AuContraire · 29/02/2024 06:36

You're being unreasonable not to leave this terrible partner and terrible father.

You're doing it all yourself anyway.

TwylaSands · 29/02/2024 06:37

The holiday is not the issue.

The issue is he is a selfish arsehole the rest of the time

make plans to leave.

in the mean time, every evening dona review of what youve done for the home and children / family that day and get him to do the same. Obviously start with go to work to earn as point one. See if he gets past point one.

Ilovemyshed · 29/02/2024 06:37

Well, he is not going to change, so you have two choices: (i) leave (ii) get married for security, then leave at a later date.

TwylaSands · 29/02/2024 06:38

morebiscuitslessdrama · 29/02/2024 06:36

He self employed and builds houses / develops land. So it is demanding and I get that.

Show quote history

Now that could be the biggest barrier here.

how does he pay himself? All declared? Set income? Can he hide it?

GreatGateauxsby · 29/02/2024 06:39

YABNU for asking for him to not leave you for a week whilst your children are so young so he can holiday.
YABU in asking for him to contact you more regularly as this man is NOT your rock or your team so is not going to support you through this difficult time. He is THE CAUSE of the difficult time.

As unhelpful as it is, it should be said for benefit of others....
Your first mistake was having 2 children with him outside of marriage and prioritising his job.

My circs are different, but I have 2 the same age ish and it is HARD so you have my sympathies...

If you are thinking of leaving (which you should) you probably need to play the long game.
By that i mean finish mat leave get back into FT work and start looking at your options and how you can increase your earnings.

Your CMS payments will be depressingly small (he is self employed so will mess with the books so you get bare minimum.... this is incredibly common) and depending on how you have set up your finances ie what savings you have in your name / whose name is on the mortgage things might be very tight.
If you marry you will need a long ish marriage to claim assets...again he will likely hide them via tue business.... only you can know if this is worth the hassle.

Separately, amazed he has got 2k or so to waste on a lads ski holiday while you are on mat leave. We make good monry but if there was 2k in our budget I'd be getting a night nanny to come a day each week so we could sleep more!!!

FloorWipes · 29/02/2024 06:40

No way would DH leave me for a week with a 3 month old. That's just a given. (Can imagine my shit ex doing that though because he was a selfish bastard.)

FilthyforFirth · 29/02/2024 06:41

He's clearly been like this for a while so I dont understand why you had a second child with him and definitely dont recommend a third.

This is not normal behaviour. What sort of parent wants to be away from their 3 month old for a week? My DH would be utterly devestated to not see his kids for so long.

I would leave, it will not change.

Pickled21 · 29/02/2024 06:43

I think this post is so sad and the fact that your friends or family have even lower standards of men is frankly appalling. My dh wouldn't want to be away from our kids for a week. Despite having a busy or stressful week he was excited to see them after work and would take over the minute he got in. He would also do night wakeups when ours were little because the kids were our shared responsibility. I wasn't going to be a martyr and I needed rest too.

The biggest issue is that he does not respect you. For me there can't be love if there is no respect. Normally I would say the best course of action is to have a sit down chat calmly about how you each feel but in this case I think he will just gaslight you. The resentment on your part will increase as you just make do and get on with it. For me this is ltb territory. You only get one life op. I'd weigh up whether being a single parent to 2 young kids is better than the set up you currently have. I'd wager that it is but that's up to you to decide. Best of luck op.

Autienotnaughtie · 29/02/2024 06:46

He's prioritising himself not your kids or you. If you both work full time then chore division should be 50/50 And leisure time should be mutually agreed. I don't think it is reasonable for a parent to go on a weeks jolly when kids are young leaving other parent to manage. Dh and I have done a couple of nights for stag/hen dos etc.

I would consider doing a week away just so he gets a feel for your world. I'd book a spa hotel or something.

And when you are back I'd be having a serious conversation about the future.

BusyMum47 · 29/02/2024 06:59

@morebiscuitslessdrama
What. A. Dick.

Leave him. You're doing everything yourself anyway & you'll be so much happier without this idiot putting you down & making you feel grateful for the crumbs he throws your way.

Your jobs/lives are equally stressful but he's effed off on a week long jolly with his mates instead of spending any quality time with you & his very young children? That sends a very strong 'I don't give a shit' message to me!

FairyMaclary · 29/02/2024 07:40

I had two sets of acquaintances - couples.

Couple A Female was a teacher, man worked in office. Husbands job was busy and stressful and the hours were long. So Teacher did pick ups and drops off as her hours were ‘more school friendly’. This meant limited childcare costs. In school holidays she saved them money on childcare by taking care of the kids. The woman was pleased with this arrangement. She recognised he worked hard and thought that her hours were great as it helped the family. Picking up the slack meant husband could focus on his job.

Couple B Male was a teacher, woman worked in office. Women did pick ups and drop off as his job was very busy and stressful and he couldn’t possibly fit in childcare during the working week. She got dinner ready and caught up on work later or didn’t take her lunch break. At weekends he posted his time consuming hobby on SM. (Think bicycles). During the holidays teacher often went abroad for his hobby and spent time at home on his hobby. Children spent the holidays in holiday clubs. Woman thought as he worked so hard he deserved this rest time, she used her holidays for family holidays. (Not sure if he cycled).

There is always a reason they cannot do more. Or why they need a restful holiday. Usually it’s a choice as a woman in EXACTLY the same role WILL be default childcare, and chief bottlewasher for her family.

Meshka · 29/02/2024 07:43

AuContraire · 29/02/2024 06:36

You're being unreasonable not to leave this terrible partner and terrible father.

You're doing it all yourself anyway.

Edited

Exactly what I was going to say!! Ive not voted because YABU to put up with this you need to leave

Jamazon1 · 29/02/2024 07:48

Sounds like he wants to have his cake, eat it, and expects you to brush up the crumbs. Hate to say this, but do you think you’re a placeholder for when he meets his “real love”? He has all of the stuff associated with being a family man together with bachelor freedom. Doesn’t sound like he’s the kind of person who can or wants a marriage of equals, or to have calm adult discussions about priorities etc.
How do you see your future happiness? Is there enough love and mutual respect in this relationship that you can see lasting you both into your empty nest and retirement years?

BobbyBiscuits · 29/02/2024 07:51

Unless you can easily and freely do the equivalent then it's not really on.
Could you tell him he needs to pay for childcare for at least a few hours of the week as you can't do it alone. And only on condition you get a week off when you feel like it (giving as much notice as possible)

ClutchingOurBananas · 29/02/2024 07:55

let me guess, he’s kept you dangling as his ‘fiance’ but made no plans to marry (and share his assets with you).

Delphina17 · 29/02/2024 07:57

If this is real, and I'm struggling to understand how a man would leave his 3 month old baby and family for a week could be, then why haven't you left him?

You work and do all the housework - why?! Get rid of him and you will have one less person to clean after and cook for.