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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confused on his justification of “holiday”

129 replies

morebiscuitslessdrama · 29/02/2024 06:25

I have been hesitating on writing this thread given the petty content really.

my boyfriend or shall I say fiancé and I have been together coming up ten years. We have two children together who are 2 years and 3 months old and up until now I have just been brushing this under the carpet for an easier life frankly. I’m just now so used to being told I should be grateful, but everyone else’s other half does much less than him and I just need to get on with it.

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be. I do also work and teach at FE / HE level so fairly lengthy hours and lots of decisions and marking! He works developing housing estates and building is the main provider but like to tell me apparently his job is more stressful than all of the above.

We both decided to have children and here I am sat with them both after another week of him deciding to book a weeks holiday snowboarding because he needs a break. So he has gone and not thought about the fact I’ve got two young children alone and little to no help and basically has spoken to me once a day. Cue generic I’m so tired from the slopes off to bed night….

Best yet is I said I’m having a hard time and his response was “now you see how much I do for you”.

I have started to think I don’t see much light in the future of this and especially not a wedding given the amount of time I have spent unhappy.

like AIBU one for asking for him to not leave me for a week whilst our children are so young so he can holiday? And two for asking for him to contact me more regularly as I’m finding it hard being with the children constantly?

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 29/02/2024 12:04

What was he like before the children came along? I guarantee he doesn’t like being a Father. If you’re still sleeping with him make sure you have rock solid contraception.

What @CandidHedgehog wrote is spot on.

OolongTeaDrinker · 29/02/2024 12:07

In your position I would get married to get the financial security before leaving him.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/02/2024 12:10

I voted YABU simply because you stay with such a fine specimen of manhood.

Separate from him as he isn't bringing anything along the lines of being a 50/50 partner where rearing his children is concerned.

You'll end up having time to yourself when he has to look after his kids so you too will be able to have this type of holiday.

LittleGlowingOblong · 29/02/2024 12:11

everything else aside, he doesn’t even want to spend a week with his precious 12 week old baby omfg

Sweden99 · 29/02/2024 12:11

@morebiscuitslessdrama, if you listen to men speak, they are all heroic, capable and physically brave. If you listen to women speak, they are all single-handedly running the house with a husband who is useless.
Sorry for the gross generalisation.
Neither of these things is really true. You are being taken advantage of and there is no need to feel grateful. Most partners lift the load from their partner's shoulders.
I am not husband of the year, but I manage to work 60 hours a week and do about 60% of housework (I am taking my wife's estimate, not mine). I am a pretty average husband and rubbish in lots of ways. Your husband has framed the discussion, perhaps even in his own head, as everything being your job and him helping. That is plain weird.

LittleGlowingOblong · 29/02/2024 12:11

OolongTeaDrinker · 29/02/2024 12:07

In your position I would get married to get the financial security before leaving him.

This. Emphatically this.

LouOver · 29/02/2024 12:16

Are you on the mortgage OP? Well done for not giving up work entirely so your not completely screwed but as he's self employed you can't bank on cms in a split.

And you should be considering splitting. Fucking off on a skiing holiday whilst you have a newborn, I would be shaming him to friends and family.

ForestFancies · 29/02/2024 12:18

You need to decide what you want to do and do it. Do you want to stay and work something out, or not?

During the 1st covid lockdown my husband's work had no clue our kids were off, he continued WFH with no interruptions. I did almost zero work while juggling two kids solo. Second lockdown I just told DH I was going back to work two days a week and he would have the kids on those days. No real discussion, just told him he could choose the two days that best fitted with him and that was that, left him to work the rest out.

I do obviously discuss things with him but I now go in with the expectation that I can have time to do my own things and that he can do 50% of the childcare stuff. I often just propose a solution or give a choice, A or B, drop offs or pickups, swimming lesson or tesco? Not, can you help, can you do some, but which 50% are you doing?

Sadly it's made me see my PIL in a whole different light as my husband saw his mum do everything. Our kids are growing up seeing their dad doing 50%.

Original poster
morebiscuitslessdrama · 29/02/2024 12:19

I am a bit overwhelmed by the amazing comments and the honesty so far!

If I said I was happy it would not be the truth. I think he has become accustomed to accepting my role is to be the addition to the show if that makes sense? I used to be confident, ambitious and have self worth. I do wonder if that’s being a mother that has stripped me of this of being part of this relationship?

I have financial issues in that he earns the majority of the money, I’ve been on maternity leave twice in 3 years and I’m not in a situation to distance myself or leave. This in some ways has trapped me and I am trying to fathom if I’ve made a mistake getting this far into a relationship stripped of independence.

OP posts:
LiveLaughCryalot · 29/02/2024 12:24

You are in a better position than many OP. You are still earning. If he earns more, he should be paying more. If he is pressuring you to contribute in a way that leaves you without then thats where you put your foot down. Save what you can for when you feel able to leave.
You will flourish away from this man.

Almahart · 29/02/2024 12:27

You sound so resigned OP and you don't need to. You've been through a period of massive change, toddlers and babies are exhausting. You're still you, you have your career still and your friends will still know you as you are. Don't be so hard on yourself. Enjoy your time with you babies, but start to properly plan for the next stage. Really make sure you know what is what financially with your DP, make sure you are contributing in line with what you earn and that you are able to save, definitely make sure you are on the deeds of the house and don't drift along like this for long without getting married.

Almahart · 29/02/2024 12:29

I don't actually think you should get married as this doesn't sound like a good relationship for you. But I don't want you to leave in four or five years and be completely shafted financially either.

PP is right, when you are away from this relationship you will flourish again

Original poster
morebiscuitslessdrama · 29/02/2024 12:29

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 29/02/2024 11:55

Can't see whats so difficult about being a housing developer that he needs to leave his partner with 2 young children while he slopes off to recuperate.

He's hardly a brain surgeon.

Did he have these traits before you had children as he seems like a selfish bastard so I doubt these are new things

“He’s hardly a brain surgeon”

You would think he was the founder of the human race it’s so difficult to juggle work and family life….

@Notwhatyouwanttohear

OP posts:
Itscatsallthewaydown · 29/02/2024 12:29

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be. I do also work and teach at FE / HE level so fairly lengthy hours and lots of decisions and marking! He works developing housing estates and building is the main provider but like to tell me apparently his job is more stressful than all of the above.

You’re a mug

CattingAbout · 29/02/2024 12:30

my boyfriend or shall I say fiancé and I have been together coming up ten years

I think this speaks volumes. OP. The fact that you wrote it like this suggests you don't see him as an actual marriage prospect.

I don't hand out LTBs lightly, but it sounds like he doesn't do a whole great deal to help with the kids etc so what exactly is he bringing to the table that makes your life easier/nicer than bring single?

SallyWD · 29/02/2024 12:36

I personally don't have a problem with DH going away on his own or with mates. That's because I'm someone who's always needed space in relationships. I wouldn't begrudge my DH a bit of fun. However this only works if you also get to go away and have fun with friends or on your own. If it is a one-sided arrangement than it's absolutely not acceptable. In our house we spend most of our holidays together as a family, but DH and I both have the occasional break without the rest of the family. This works well for us. It keeps us sane. We can remember that we are people in our own rights not just mummy/daddy, husband or wife.
It sounds like your DH is taking all you do for granted.

x88mph · 29/02/2024 12:37

If he sees nothing wrong with his actions when you are juggling a toddler and a baby, he's never going to get any better.
Why are you putting up with this level of selfishness and lack of consideration?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/02/2024 13:12

Bring a mother hasn't stripped you of anything. Being in a relationship with an asshole is what has impacted your confidence etc.

The whole being is a stressful job annoys me. No job is stressful if you have the ability to do it. The working environment may be stressful due to managers or resourcing issues and then it's time to find another job.

The amount of women who are constantly told that their OH has a very stressful job is just nonsense.

Helabel1 · 29/02/2024 13:21

You work and are bringing in money, you can claim CMS and Universal Credit if on a low income. There's no denying it will be a struggle but you will probably be happier.

Flyeeeeer · 29/02/2024 13:28

Let him have his skiing holiday. Then book yourself a week's holiday with a friend or family member when you can get time off work.
Then when you get home, leave him. He offers you nothing and you and your children deserve better.

Twiglets1 · 29/02/2024 13:30

Wow, I would book my own week long holiday to make it fair

laclochette · 29/02/2024 13:35

What a selfish shit!
In kindness, how did you end up developing such low standards when it comes to men and your life partner? I really think you could benefit from interrogating this in yourself. Maybe in therapy (which we can all benefit from).

problembottom · 29/02/2024 13:37

I work two days a week, DP works full time and earns ten times more than me in a stressful job and he wouldn't dream of fucking off for a week like this, or even one night. It's selfish, uncaring behaviour.

I had a very frank chat with DP before we had kids to make sure we were on the exact same page when it came to expectations about how we would parent, I'd advise everyone to do the same.

minipie · 29/02/2024 13:41

Ilovemyshed · 29/02/2024 06:37

Well, he is not going to change, so you have two choices: (i) leave (ii) get married for security, then leave at a later date.

This. He’s shit, but I would seriously consider getting married and THEN splitting as you may be better off financially that way. Depends on your & his assets.

WimbyAce · 29/02/2024 13:47

I just don't understand how this is happening? How do men even think this is ok?