Confused on his justification of “holiday”

[morebiscuitslessdrama]

I have been hesitating on writing this thread given the petty content really.

my boyfriend or shall I say fiancé and I have been together coming up ten years. We have two children together who are 2 years and 3 months old and up until now I have just been brushing this under the carpet for an easier life frankly. I’m just now so used to being told I should be grateful, but everyone else’s other half does much less than him and I just need to get on with it.

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be. I do also work and teach at FE / HE level so fairly lengthy hours and lots of decisions and marking! He works developing housing estates and building is the main provider but like to tell me apparently his job is more stressful than all of the above.

We both decided to have children and here I am sat with them both after another week of him deciding to book a weeks holiday snowboarding because he needs a break. So he has gone and not thought about the fact I’ve got two young children alone and little to no help and basically has spoken to me once a day. Cue generic I’m so tired from the slopes off to bed night….

Best yet is I said I’m having a hard time and his response was “now you see how much I do for you”.

I have started to think I don’t see much light in the future of this and especially not a wedding given the amount of time I have spent unhappy.

like AIBU one for asking for him to not leave me for a week whilst our children are so young so he can holiday? And two for asking for him to contact me more regularly as I’m finding it hard being with the children constantly?

I would literally book a week holiday for the day he got back. Even just a hotel or an airbnb in a nice area so if he actually neglects the children you're not stuck in a foreign country worrying.

Show him how much you do for him.

And then leave him. Because you deserve better.

Hes a prick

Text him that you're glad that he's having a good time and you're happy that he's confident with the volume of stuff he does for you and the house and the kids because you're going for a week's holiday when he's back so he'll be putting those skills into practice.

If he tries to dissuade you in anyway, you can claim ignorance "but looking after the DC is so easy, it's a breeze, if I can do it all by myself you definitely can, you're so much more capable than me."

Talk about how you're going to enjoy a week in the sun and that it's so good maternity leave is for the mother to heal from growing and birthing a baby. It will also be an excellent chance for him to spend some quality time with his kids.

If he says he can't afford to take the time off work, just say that if he can do it for snowboarding, he can do it for his children; which is more important?

Then when he gets back from holiday, hand him the kids and walk out.

Even if you don't got for a full week, just a couple of days it will show him what you have to do each day. The likelihood is he'll need to call in help, or the housework will just not get done and you'll have to tell him to do it when he returns.

Your relationship is on its last legs anyway, why not show him how his life will be if the two of you split up. How will he juggle childcare and housework and his job without his domestic appliance at home 24/7?

Re read your post.
So it is demanding. I get that.
Isn't raising 2 dc effectively alone demanding? You have put his role above yours... Stop doing this.

This would be a complete deal breaker for me. He is tired? Everyone is fucking tired with a toddler and young baby, I can't believe he just fucks off 'for a break'. I'd think badly of any parent who did that, even if their partner was OK with it. Does he not see things from your point of view at all? Have you told him when your weeks break is going to be? What was his response?

And two for asking for him to contact me more regularly as I’m finding it hard being with the children constantly?

Well YABU for that - why do you even want to speak to him?!

He’s not your fiancé, unless you correct me that you’ve actually got a wedding booked?

He sounds like a selfish insufferable arsehole, and I wouldn’t stay in that relationship.

I would leave him but before you do take a week to go on holiday and leave him minding 2 young children and running a household.

Use that week to look at accommodation, benefits, and set yourself up for separating.

@morebiscuitslessdrama why dont you just book a long weekend away and tell him you are going next week and he is responsible for running the house and childcare????? I wouldnt accept what he is doing without me doing it too!

Is it though? Is it so stressful he cant take the kids one day so you can have a spa day. Is it so stressful he cant cook one or two nights a week? My brother is quite high up in the police, he still goes home and on his rests days does all the ironing and always does the bathrooms. He also sticks a load of washing in when needed amd does tea a couple of nights a week along with taking one or both kids out for the day when he can. And no, he has never pissed off for a week snowboarding. His wife would go mad and I would be right there with her

Bollocks is it. I work in a connected industry, and small scale developer is no more a stressful job than any other. What it can be though, is very lucrative. He’s letting you be his PA/childcare while he makes the big bucks and has a great time with the lads.

The sad thing is whatever parenting he does he is under the impression it’s “too much”. Everyone at work is probable telling him how much under the thumb he is because he has to keep small children alive while you are cooking dinner and running around doing everything.

You should be doing it all as a women in his mind, so anything he does is benevolent actions that you are not showing enough gratitude for. When you ask for support over the phone he reminding you how wonderful he is.

Putting things into perspective for you OP. I am a completely lone parent. I work in a call centre where I get shouted at by irate customers a lot of the day. I got called a "stupid bastard" on Tuesday by someone. I do everything in the house myself as I can't afford help. I've been doing this for 16 years. And never once have I thought about going away for a week because I "need a break."

He is being completely selfish. When you choose to have children, life has to change. You can't just swan off when you feel like it.

He puts his wants above you and your dc needs. Is he selfish in his daily life , is that why you pick up the bulk of home responsibilities ?When do you get downtime? That is no way to live , let alone start a married life,

He sounds like an awful human being all round.

YANBU.

What do you see in him? I wouldn’t want to marry or have kids with someone who treated me like that.

It doesn’t actually matter what his job is. Some men will make out that their job is far more stressful and arduous than their partner’s no matter what it is.

Other men get in with being a decent partner and coparent regardless how stressful their job is.

The problem here is that he’s a selfish arse who thinks the world revolves around him. It doesn’t.

He’d be exactly the same if he worked very part time in a fun hobby job that didn’t cover its own costs or any other job. His job would still be harder or more stressful than yours if you both had the same job. You’d still be shouldering all the burden. And paying for everything while he just pays his mortgage and you don’t benefit.

You need to dump this complete waste of space as soon as possible. He isn't your partner, he isn't part of your team, he is just incredibly selfish and will always put himself first.

Your life will be immeasurably better without him.

It drives me nuts when people suggest that the OP in this situation should go on her own holiday for a week when she has very very young children and obviously that's completely unrealistic.

Him going away is fine as long as you also get to take a week away. If you don’t then it’s obviously outrageous.

They have a three month old baby. And a toddler.

Maybe it’s not fine so long as she also gets to fuck off for a week abroad.

Maybe he should actually start acting like a father and do some of the work.

Tell him on next call that you will be booking a week away as soon as he comes back and he will need to figure out taking care of the kids. How dare he go with a 3 month old...actually any age really is selfish when he does FA the rest of the time.

Id certainly be booking my own week away so HE can see how much you do of a day! And hopefully no getting his mum in to lend a hand - though that would reinforce how much you do.
I do think it's not a bad idea for couple to have separate holidays. My mum went abroad most years to visit family, we'd have a family holiday and occasionally my parents would go away together without us.

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be.

(Some) women tend to believe this, and perhaps traditionally it was but times have changed and when both partners work FT jobs then it only goes that way if you agree with/accept/encourage/tolerate that setup.

It is up to every woman to define her own boundaries and that is better done well before dc come into the picture as and setting the dynamics of the relationship early on. When dh and I first lived together, 30+ years ago, it was made crystal clear to him we both work and I expected an equal partnership when it came to "homemaking".

It sounds like you enjoyed playing "wife" prior to dc and the dynamics were set early on. Now dc are here it is too much to handle. You need to discuss the whole setup, not just one weeks holiday. If he is a selfish twat happy with the relationship dynamic and not willing to change to support your family's needs have your answer.

Honestly I would book a weeks holiday for yourself at the exact same notice he gave you and give him the exact same reasons.

His reaction and attitude towards it, will tell you everything you need to know.

You sound more like his mum than his partner.

WTAF. No way would my husband even dream of going on holiday without me. No way would I. Sorry, but this is absolute LTB territory. Your partner is appalling.

I am so sad that you weren't sure whether to post this as you feel these are 'petty' issues. This is a fundamental difference in expectations and not at all petty.

Are there are power dynamics at play in your relationship? You say he is the breadwinner - do you split finances proportionate to this? Are you independent from him financially?

I know it's an easy thing to say especially with a 3 month old but I'd be inclined to book some time away with friends in the summer and tell him he's in charge of the house and kids in that time. Then he can see 'how much you do for him'