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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confused on his justification of “holiday”

129 replies

morebiscuitslessdrama · 29/02/2024 06:25

I have been hesitating on writing this thread given the petty content really.

my boyfriend or shall I say fiancé and I have been together coming up ten years. We have two children together who are 2 years and 3 months old and up until now I have just been brushing this under the carpet for an easier life frankly. I’m just now so used to being told I should be grateful, but everyone else’s other half does much less than him and I just need to get on with it.

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be. I do also work and teach at FE / HE level so fairly lengthy hours and lots of decisions and marking! He works developing housing estates and building is the main provider but like to tell me apparently his job is more stressful than all of the above.

We both decided to have children and here I am sat with them both after another week of him deciding to book a weeks holiday snowboarding because he needs a break. So he has gone and not thought about the fact I’ve got two young children alone and little to no help and basically has spoken to me once a day. Cue generic I’m so tired from the slopes off to bed night….

Best yet is I said I’m having a hard time and his response was “now you see how much I do for you”.

I have started to think I don’t see much light in the future of this and especially not a wedding given the amount of time I have spent unhappy.

like AIBU one for asking for him to not leave me for a week whilst our children are so young so he can holiday? And two for asking for him to contact me more regularly as I’m finding it hard being with the children constantly?

OP posts:
hydriotaphia · 29/02/2024 10:00

And no, it wouldn't be magically ok if you get a holiday too, because that is plainly not feasible given the age of the kids.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 29/02/2024 10:01

Marry him first fgs! Don't let him get away with leaving you broke on top of everything else.

Knittedfairies2 · 29/02/2024 10:01

I'd be using the time he is away to get the groundwork done to throwing him out/leaving, then booking at least a weekend away for myself.

Summerhillsquare · 29/02/2024 10:03

PLEASE tell us he pays his way and is not controlling with money at least.

Spirallingdownwards · 29/02/2024 10:03

YABU for saying that most "women" take om the roles you listed. Most don't but share this with their partners.

YABU to have not 1 but 2 kids with someone who doesn't respect you and I suspect will find excuses not to marry you.

Next I suspect you will say he is self employed so even if you did dump him he will manipulate accounts not to pay proper levels of child maintenance for his income.

He is a dick but YABU for letting him act like this and letting yourself get into this situation.

Beautiful3 · 29/02/2024 10:05

Omg, I've read this with my mouth open! What a selfish man! You cannot live like this, you deserve so much better, and you know if. I'd rather be alone than stuck with him forever. At least you'd get the weekends free, if you did separate. I'd leave and live a happy life.

SpongeBobSquarePantaloons · 29/02/2024 10:06

So what you do is tell him you are going to be taking a holiday later in the year and when he throws a hissy fit, you dump him.

VenusClapTrap · 29/02/2024 10:09

milesmachine · 29/02/2024 10:00

I am so sad that you weren't sure whether to post this as you feel these are 'petty' issues. This is a fundamental difference in expectations and not at all petty.

Are there are power dynamics at play in your relationship? You say he is the breadwinner - do you split finances proportionate to this? Are you independent from him financially?

I know it's an easy thing to say especially with a 3 month old but I'd be inclined to book some time away with friends in the summer and tell him he's in charge of the house and kids in that time. Then he can see 'how much you do for him'

I missed that the op calls these petty issues. You’re quite right to draw attention to that. Pissing off snowboarding for a week when you’ve got a three month old baby is so far from the petty end of the scale - it’s fucking nuclear.

Helabel1 · 29/02/2024 10:11

You are definitely not being unreasonable expecting him to support you with a toddler and a 3 month old baby. I'm afraid I would resent him so much for his week away that, if I were you, I would be making plans to leave. Completely disrespectful of him and shows no thought, or care, for you and your children.

What does he do for you and the children? What is he bringing to the relationship?

SquitMcJit · 29/02/2024 10:13

“ now you see how much I do for you”

What?

Is this the crux of the matter? He thinks he’s kindly helping you out with what he perceives as your stuff (parenting, chores, life admin?) while all he really has to do is just his job (while you work and do all the other aspects of life and being a parent - but he will do some of those to assist you and you should be grateful…)

Heyahun · 29/02/2024 10:14

yeah book a week away for yourself after he gets back so he can see what it's like

i'm all for holidays alone tbh- my husband and I do it all the time - even with small kids at home - HOWEVER - never at short notice and it's always fair - also we prioritise holidays as a family ahead of separate holidays

so yeah i think he's being a right dick tbh

LE987 · 29/02/2024 10:20

Kindly, put this one in the bin, if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

HMW1906 · 29/02/2024 10:21

It’s doesn’t sound like he brings anything to this relationship.

My husband had to work away when we had a 3 month old and a 2 year old and it was bloody hard work, it was crap that he was away but I knew he had no choice as if he didn’t go he wouldn’t get paid. I’d be absolutely seething if he CHOSE to go away when they were that young! I’d actually probably be evaluating our marriage over it, if he wanted to be a part time parent then we could make that a permanent arrangement and I’d have one less person to do housekeeping/life admin for.

Smittenkitchen · 29/02/2024 10:22

This is just appalling.

TeaGinandFags · 29/02/2024 10:24

For a start stop booking his appointments. With men loke him, it's not thf sex but the skivvying. If you book his appointments you should be financially rewarded but I bet you aren't.

Start getting paid for what you do and salt awsy as much money as you can. Go through his bookd to find out exactly how much he has because that's going to be v v useful later on. Make copies and keep them with your mother or a trusted friend. Get a bank box even.

And take your own time off. Dhen hd mozns he can tell you exactly why it's ok for him but not for you.

Ultimately he's a selfish dick who wouldn't hesitate to throw you under the bus so chose your time carefully.

Noseybookworm · 29/02/2024 10:33

He sounds very selfish 😒 I can't imagine my husband going off for a holiday when our children were so little. When do you get a break? Do you want to stay in this relationship?

WhatWouldHopperDo · 29/02/2024 10:37

The thing that always sticks out to me about these types of issues are that it shouldn't be a competition about who does most and who needs a break most.

As parents, it should be a team effort. I wfh, have only adult DCs and am at a pretty comfortable and much easier time of life. DH does shift work for long hours. However, if I say to my DH that I'm tired or a bit bogged down and would he do tea/the shopping/anything else, he will. He doesn't throw in my face that he works longer hours so I need to suck it up. If he's also tired or bogged down, we work it out between us.

I saw a thing once about couples telling each other where they are at mentally. Ie - I feel I can only give 50% this weekend because of XYZ. Partner says they also feel they can only give 50% because of abc. What are we going to prioritise, how can we support each other.

I know this all sounds a bit formulaic and possibly a bit smug - I don't mean it to - I just really feel for women being expected to put up with partners not taking on a fair share of the parenting and family load.

CandidHedgehog · 29/02/2024 10:52

It sounds to me like this is a LTB situation. However, the issues with this are below. You may know all of this but a lot of people don’t.

You may well have major financial issues if you leave. You will get only limited CMS (very easy for someone self employed to shield assets in a limited company) and your share of any joint assets. If you aren’t on the deeds (actually land registry) of the house, you don’t get a penny from it and the same in regard to any bank accounts / assets in his sole name.

If you were married, a divorce court can take into account the length of the relationship not just the length of the marriage.

Before anyone raises common myths:

  1. There is no such thing as common law marriage in E & W - you have no entitlement to any assets in his name.
  2. There is no provision for ‘staying in the house until the children are 18’ other than paying him for his share (joint names) or the full value of the house (if in his name).
  3. He does not have to pay half the children’s expenses, just the CMS amount. This is generally a couple of hundred pounds a month (bearing in mind child care for two young children is likely to run to over £2,000 a month).

At least you still have a job and hopefully can support yourself and your children if necessary. A lot of women either go down to part time or worse give up work entirely and then the partner leaves them with nothing after 20+ years when he leaves them for a younger woman. There’s been a terrible thread in the past couple of days where that happened to the OP’s sister.

waterrat · 29/02/2024 11:47

This is such appalling behaviour and shows such total disregard for you that it's hard to believe ! He needs to see that he is going to lose you OP

Braksonsboss · 29/02/2024 11:52

What a wanker. Not much else to say.

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 29/02/2024 11:55

Can't see whats so difficult about being a housing developer that he needs to leave his partner with 2 young children while he slopes off to recuperate.

He's hardly a brain surgeon.

Did he have these traits before you had children as he seems like a selfish bastard so I doubt these are new things

TheBayLady · 29/02/2024 11:59

Why does he need to change ? His life is perfect, he has convinced his Girlfriend to have his children without marrying her, he doesn't need to lift a finger and he can come and go as he pleases. Yes he is a selfish twat but you allow him this life and until you start putting yourself first ( because he will never put your first) or walking out the door you have got the life you allowed.
Next relationship, start as you mean to go on because people only treat them they way you allow them too.

Almahart · 29/02/2024 11:59

I would be getting my ducks in a row so that you are ready to leave when you have finally had enough of this shit.

If your salary is covering childcare for example, that sort of thing needs to stop. Make sure you are on deeds of house, start squirreling money away.

RhubarbGingerJam · 29/02/2024 11:59

Well, he is not going to change, so you have two choices: (i) leave (ii) get married for security, then leave at a later date.

This - I'd do my sums now see where you are can you afford to leave - as may need to move as schools will soon be a factor. You may find you have more mental energy if not dealing with him or you may make decision to stick around while kids are young for financial security.

What is a waste of time is expecting him to change - it's how you deal with what he is from now on.

LiveLaughCryalot · 29/02/2024 12:03

like AIBU one for asking for him to not leave me for a week whilst our children are so young so he can holiday? And two for asking for him to contact me more regularly as I’m finding it hard being with the children constantly?

There is 0 point asking him either of these things. He doesn't care.
Your choices are sucking it up and acting your socks off so the kids don't grow up in a tense household OR leaving.
They are the only options available.