Confused on his justification of “holiday”

[morebiscuitslessdrama]

I have been hesitating on writing this thread given the petty content really.

my boyfriend or shall I say fiancé and I have been together coming up ten years. We have two children together who are 2 years and 3 months old and up until now I have just been brushing this under the carpet for an easier life frankly. I’m just now so used to being told I should be grateful, but everyone else’s other half does much less than him and I just need to get on with it.

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be. I do also work and teach at FE / HE level so fairly lengthy hours and lots of decisions and marking! He works developing housing estates and building is the main provider but like to tell me apparently his job is more stressful than all of the above.

We both decided to have children and here I am sat with them both after another week of him deciding to book a weeks holiday snowboarding because he needs a break. So he has gone and not thought about the fact I’ve got two young children alone and little to no help and basically has spoken to me once a day. Cue generic I’m so tired from the slopes off to bed night….

Best yet is I said I’m having a hard time and his response was “now you see how much I do for you”.

I have started to think I don’t see much light in the future of this and especially not a wedding given the amount of time I have spent unhappy.

like AIBU one for asking for him to not leave me for a week whilst our children are so young so he can holiday? And two for asking for him to contact me more regularly as I’m finding it hard being with the children constantly?

What a dick. I vote stick it out for the meagre support he offers while the kids are young (and get married if financially beneficial). I would make sure I booked a week off for myself for every week he has off mind you.

For people suggesting you have your own week away, you’d be justified, but really then just seeing each other even less. Sounds like he wants the home comforts and his single lifestyle. Sorry to suggest this, but do you think he might be cheating?

Do you get to book a week's holiday alone?

Please tell me the house is in both your names? Or are you renting?

Cut your losses now, OP. Don't kick yourself in 10 years or 20 years time when you have no career or pension or home because you gave all your independence up to this man who has tried to trap you as his baby maker and house servant.

What was the situation for both of you before you had children in terms of work / earnings and holidays alone or with friends?

100% this!

Book your own week away but don't tell him until you're gone or he will put a spanner in the works. Prewarn your family and friends you can trust not to tell him in case he tries to get them to take the kids. Pack a case and leave it at one of their homes to pick up on your chosen day. Call him once each evening and let him get on with it.

wat exaxctly does he do round the house? it cant be as stressful as a teacher being boss of his own firm

and who would leave their 3 mont old for a week?

Wow, my husband wouldn't dream of leaving me to cope with our two kids on my own while he went on holiday. Regardless of your relationship parenting is a joint effort and he doesn't think twice about leaving it all to you.

You deserve better, you deserve a partner, someone who thinks about you. I once heard this therapist say that relationship's and parenting is not 50/50...you don't just give half of yourself, you both give it everything, it is 100/100. It seems that you pick up his slack and you are being made to feel like you should be thankful for it!

Wow, he’s a grade-A bag of shit.

He sounds awful. He definitely views kids as your domain and him helping out.
You are legally single. Don’t fall into trap of acting to your detriment. Keep working ft, pay own pension. Make sure you don’t fall into you paying for kids and household stuff and him building his assets.
I’d book your week ‘snowboarding’ give him little notice and leave him to it with the children.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Do you jointly own your home Op?
I’d be quietly getting ducks in row eg financial documents as self employed can often try and dodge or pay low cm if you do leave.
Do not go pt or sahm.

I am the housekeeper, nurturer, childcare, appointment booker, and chef which is fairly common for women to be

erm I’m a SAHM, DH is currently giving DD a shower and has booked a doctors appointment which he’ll be taking her to she’s also already put her weekend breakfast order in with him.

You are an intelligent woman, you must know that the reason that you are so unhappy is because this idea of the default parent is ridiculous and many families absolutely do not function like that. Your husband is prioritising himself over you and your family, he’s basically a selfish twat.

I think you need a week away OP and don’t marry him.

To give you some perspective, my DH does what your DH does for a living and also makes considerably more than I do. Yes it is hard work and I help him with the paperwork side of things sometimes but every night he gets home if I've been so busy I've not started dinner he does it. Helps with the bed time routine and makes me a coffee in bed every morning as he's up before I am. He rings me every afternoon to ask how I am/ how the kids are and if he needs to bring anything home from the shops ect.

My DH would never leave me alone to go on holiday. He wants to spend as much time as he can as a family. Although I'd never stop him but that's mainly because I know his family is his priority. He's no saint and gets things wrong but I would never doubt how much he loves his family because of the little things. Whenever I tell him how brilliant he is he downplays it. He would never comment things like "see how much I do for you"

Sorry but your OH is selfish. You have let him get away with it for far too long and now he's taking advantage.

From everything I’ve learned on MN recently I would say, smile meekly, get the ring on your finger and then divorce the f*cker and take half. If you were married, I’d have said - change the locks and leave his clothes in a suitcase on the doorstep fro when he gets back…

He's away. pack his stuff and change the locks.

Do all these men really undergo a complete personality change when they have children?

If he owns the house she’s legally a lodger (since he lives there too) and can be chucked out with minimal notice. Locking the homeowner out of his own house would not go down well and he has all the power if he owns the house.

If they are joint owners, he still has a right to force entry as it’s legally his property - he just can’t throw her out without a court order.

The only way she can legally do this is if she is the only one on the deeds of the house (and with the sort of man who carefully avoids marriage to the mother of his children and treats her like this, that is vv unlikely).

No, but traits that are often a subject of fond teasing and cause no real issue when there is just two of you - both working etc - can come to the fore when there is a 3rd person/child brought into the mix.

The circumstances change you’re radically and, sadly, too many men just don’t change with them.

His before work gym habit didn’t matter as much but, when you’ve been up all night with a baby that he wakes as he gets up and it means you can’t even manage to have a shower without having to look after the baby at the same time etc etc, it makes a big difference.

Too many men just think that it’s fine that they carry on as before. And think their partners are being ridiculous nags for expecting them to change their behaviour in response to the new circumstances.

Awful advice, marriage does not offer security, she has her own job!

And she says he’s the main earner. How long do you think she will be able to keep that job if she has to pay thousands a month to support the children (home, food, clothes, nursery etc) and he hides all his assets in the business and pays her a couple of hundred pounds a month CMS and nothing else?

The OP hasn’t come back to say if she’s on the deeds of the house. I truly hope she is but a man like this is usually pretty good at making sure his partner is legally entitled to none of what she (wrongly) considers to be family assets.

@CandidHedgehog

OP - I am not on the deeds / mortgage as we don’t have one due to the fact he outright bought our house for the land to build on.

Again as his business has grown my earnings have dropped due to the fact I’ve been on maternity leave twice in 3 years so it’s dramatically set me back in the contribution to our finances.

@LadyLapsang

So I lived abroad when we first started seeing each other, came back and we had been other 5 or so months and he went skiing for a week. Couldn’t care less do his own thing and I could.

Then the second year I said maybe we go together, we went I didn’t hate it but found he wanted to go off ski and enjoy it so not phased. I also would go on holiday but only even long weekends because when your employed holidays are short so I also wanted a holiday with him.

Then DC1 came along in September then he went again the following year when I had a 5 month old for a week. Then again now when he is 2 and a bit and I have a 12 week old.

It is like he has an opportunity each year to grow with the family dynamic but has gotten stuck in single mentality?

@Saymyname28 has it.
1 book yourself a break without him and kids - he can try childcare alone.
2 bide your time but prepare to leave
3 if you don't want to leave then book a wedding asap