When did 50/50 become so common?

[Luckylooloostar]

I have a SC and when contact was set up over 13 years ago it was really common to do EOW with maybe a night in the week. No mention of 50/50 ever. Really common among others too around that time.

but Iv noticed a trend over the last few years that seems to be when you split its now 50/50…

Do more men now want this so they don’t have to pay CMS?

@WandaWonder Sometimes terrible men con women into having families with them for control (domestic abuse/coercive control). That isn't a woman's responsibility.

Biology in that a woman is "programmed" to bond and commit herself to her child, sure. But it's not that way for the child. Children aren't genetically programmed to do the same in return. They aren't programmed to love one parent more than the other. They are programmed to grow up and leave those parents. So the "incredibly powerful bond" you are talking about, is only from the mother's point of view. To the child, their relationship with their father is just as important.

Well said. When I was young I had a friend whose wife took his daughters to live in another country and he was devastated. It made me so glad to be a woman.

Because both adults are parents and they both should have their child/ren 50% of the time !!!

Why the hell not

This is such a good point.

Many people view their kids only, through their own emotional bond. They forget its different for the kids and they put the way they feel front and centre.

I think this can be quite damaging to kids themselves. And to the parents.

I remember maybe 20 years ago when Dads dressed as Spiderman and scaled buildings to protest for the right to have their kids 50/50.

I actually know a couple that have recently split and the dad has the children on weekdays and mum weekends.

Dad lives closer to the school.

I agree with everyone that has pointed out the fact that it has to be in the kids best interest too. You suddenly start thinking about who has the vehicle for clubs after school etc. And work patterns too. The age of the children also makes a huge difference.

The change in routine can be unsettling for younger children (such as mid week changing parents) but for older children who can have a wardrobe at mum and dads and make their way to school it could be easier to manage (and I’m sure they would have their own opinion of where they want to stay - based on being around teens that split their time between parents).

50/50 can work and can be fairer. Especially if both parents are working.

I didn't get married and have children to only see them 50% of their lives.

I was prepared to work at our marriage and help him through the little wobble he was having (major mid life crisis) he was not and so I believe there are consequences for that and that's why I won't ever agree to 50/50

You don't just get to walk away and turn children's lives upside down so for me maintaining the status quo and giving them stability and one main home is more important

Also He wouldn't be able to afford the childcare on "his" days if we went 50/50. The cost of the childcare for 50% of the month is 3 times what he pays in maintenance but there would be no legal mechanism to force him to pay it? Which is crazy - and I'm not about to subsidise his time with them financially

Where I work I know lots of families are 50/50 with the kids. One week at mum’s and then one week at dad’s.
I’m sure it’s changed over the last few years. When I first started it was weekends at dad’s. There definitely seems to have been a shift.

I agree with you in principle, but in reality, I know three men who do this because of CMS and do a terrible job of parenting. It would be interesting to see what happened if not for the CMS situation and whether they actually wanted to parent their kids.

I know 2 families that do 50:50 and this is nothing to do with CMS. They are both involved parents and want to see their children. It definitely costs the father more on childcare, etc on his days than what it’ll cost in CMS so it’s not to avoid paying but because they are responsible men, doing right by their children as the children love it in this case.
On the other hand, I also know 2 families, one father has only the first of his 4 children EOW, one is absent and both don’t pay any CMS because they make sure they never earn enough.
Some men are just deadbeats, like wise some men are responsible so speak for yourself.

They have to take responsibility for men being terrible, do they?

We've been separated 7 years, since my DC we're 5 and 1 and have an approx 70/30 split. This was decided in the children's best interest and nothing to do with what me or their dad wanted. They spend 2-3 nights a week with their dad on a set schedule. I work slightly fewer hours than him so take on the bulk of the planning, organising, school uniform shopping, dentists appointments, haircuts etc etc. He pays me a small amount of maintenance towards those expenses but the kids have everything they need at his house as well as mine. We also live only 15 mins drive apart so handovers are fairly straightforward and its not hard for us chase up a missing football kit or school tie. I think the children's needs should come first and if that's 50/50 or 90/10 or whatever it shouldn't be based on anything other than what is best for the children.

Fathers are definitely more involved than previous generation. It's a regular occurrence to see fathers taking their child to School and I noticed at work men are increasingly requesting flexibility due to childcare. That being said, I don't think 50/50 it always in the Childs best interest.

I think the move towards 50:50 is a response to men generally being more active fathers and women working more. Quite frankly it often suits the adults involved and seems 'fair'. In MN Eutopia, men are already equal parents and children don't lose out from a 50:50 arrangement because they get to bond with both mum and dad equally which is paramount.

In my experience (and studies seem to back this up), women are still the primary parent in most family setups and take on the bulk of childrearing responsibilities from physical childcare to domestic chores and admin. Men seem happy to allow this to happen when the family unit is still intact so it is a shock to the child and mother when they want 50:50 following a split. I have seen how this can shatter children as they go through the disruption of their once secure family unit splitting apart and then they are thrust into a new dynamic with their father away from the psychological safety of their mother. It is a lot for children to process and deeply unsettling if this is really different from what the child is used to pre split.

I also think that adults forget that as children get older, their world becomes less centred on their parents and more about friends and pursuing their interests. This happens quite early on in some cases and it can be rubbish for a child when a 50:50 arrangement means that they are not able to attend their regular activities, parties or play dates because it's dad or mum's weekend. I think this and the need for a stable base is why older kids and teenagers often push back against the 50:50 model and look to establish a primary home from which they can beat operate. This can be controversial though and incredibly upsetting for the parent not chose so sensitive children can in my experience keep an unhappy split custody agreement going for longer because they don't want to hurt a parent's feelings. That is really sad and puts a horrible emotional burden on a child.

This.

My kids would hate 50/50. They aren't even fans of eow. They love their Dad, but just want to be at 'home'. He moved 1.5hrs away. I'm sure if he lived closer he'd see them more, but that's the choice he made. All of my divorced friends do eow only 1 has a 50/50 split.

Because we have moved on from mothers being the default parent.

I split with ex about 20 years ago, he did 3 nights and I did 4. He later when he had more children switched this to eow and a night in the week.

I do 50/50 with my ex. Tbh the costs of having the children day to day far outweigh what I’d get in cms. Clothes, uniform, shoes, food, days out, holidays.

Im sure there will be a proportion of shitty parents who feed them sugar and dump them on a screen ut I’m pretty sure most people who go for 50/50 want to be in child’s lives.

I think some is also due to more flexible working hours and wfh as parent I know went 50/50 recently due to this.making it easier for both parents to work ft and do school pick ups.

Because we have moved on from mothers being the default parent.

Apparently some really have not! You are correct though; I’ve two friends going through divorce, and they’ve both been stunned to hear that 50/50 is likely in both cases, they were relying on large maintenance payments to leave, tbh. But both fathers are active and hands-on now, why should that be removed in divorce?

Some dads are crap and only think about themselves. Some mums are crap and only think about themselves. Some people are money driven and DO NOT put their children’s needs first. Whether it be mother or father who pays maintenance, some child breeders (as they don’t deserve to be called parents) do want 50/50 to cop out of paying.

I have my kids 50/50 and to be honest I’m
not sure it’s in their best interests to be moving most of their belongings between two houses each week.

I think it's great if committed hands-on dads continue to be fully involved in their DC's lives following a separation by doing 50/50. Why should splitting up change the status quo if it can be maintained?

But where dads never spent much time with their kids prior to separation and mum did everything, it's quite outrageous to immediately pursue a 50/50 arrangement when the children need the security of their primary carer more than anything. Especially if they can't really be arsed to parent and the quality of the care the kids receive is poor.

Agreed. I also find the new generation of fathers are different and it likely plays a big role