When did 50/50 become so common?

[Luckylooloostar]

I have a SC and when contact was set up over 13 years ago it was really common to do EOW with maybe a night in the week. No mention of 50/50 ever. Really common among others too around that time.

but Iv noticed a trend over the last few years that seems to be when you split its now 50/50…

Do more men now want this so they don’t have to pay CMS?

Which is literally what I said?

My DP has (amicable) 50/50 custody with his ex. He never considered anything else and it certainly wasn't to save money but because he loves his kids. He is the higher earner, so although no maintenance he pays for all clothes, uniform, school meals etc.

I see the involved, loving relationship he has with his children and makes me sad about my (lack of) relationship with my father, who I saw in the holidays and am still not close to.

However, as DSC1 gets older, I can see that moving between houses is frustrating for him. I think he will eventually chose to spend more time with us (as nearer to his friends and school), although he will also worry about upsetting people (as he's a nice kid).

In an ideal world his Mum and Dad would still be together... but as they aren't, I'm glad we all get on and try to do the best we can.

I knew a family where the child stayed in the same house and the split up parents moved in for half the week with their partner. Seemed much fairer on the child.

Just to mention as well - my partner now is amazing and contributes totally equally. We both have demanding FT jobs. He would absolutely want and deserve 50/50 if we were to have kids and then break up.

Anecdotally, I know of far more couples with useless men though.

It's shocking to me how many posters here are cheerleading men's rights.

It's not about men's rights. It's about the child's rights to a relationship and time with both parents. It's thee recognition that men can in fact be equal parents and not just a glorified credit card. Times have changed and not soon enough.

@SouthLondonMum22 I think saying men are 'excused and enabled' shifts the blame back to women. Men are grown adults who make their own choices and priorities. And as @babyproblems said they are often different to women. You cannot force them to do anything for the children. They just opt out, seemingly with no care or conscience and guess who picks up the slack?

Don't get me started on the adulation for the few dads who do (or appear to) have 50/50 care and responsibility. What heroes!

Literally nobody is saying they're heroes. We're saying they're just as capable parents as women.

Your original point was that your husband couldn’t manage to do medical appointments with your kids. Or cook. Whilst claiming he is a great parent.

Your child either needs a medical appointment or they don’t. If a man can’t take ‘manage’ it, there’s a huge issue.

He chooses not to. You both choose your set up. Of course he could manage. He chooses not to. That’s fine. But he can do it.

It’s not about whether parents is male or female.

That’s not determined by the sex of the parent.

Who is saying that men are heroes for doing 50/50? I certainly don't think so.

It has nothing to do with speaking up for men's rights and everything to do with wanting to challenging the sexist notion that women are somehow naturally the default parents. We need to get away from the idea that men aren't capable of parenting effectively. This strategic incompetence does women no favours at all. Men are perfectly capable of parenting as effectively as women, so we need to demand that they step up and do their fair share. Ultimately, it is in the best interests of the children to have two loving, capable and involved parents, and that's what we should be striving for.

To add, I don't think it's right to excuse or explain crap parents like @babyproblems' DH (who are apparently not capable of "good, thorough and attentive" parenting) simply by saying that's just how men are.

Decent men are not like that. Decent men know how to care for their children as well as their mothers can... maybe not in exactly the same way but certainly to the same standard.

Let's hold the crap ones to account, not let them off the hook by blaming their crapness on the fact that they've got a willy.

Women aren't to blame but we all need to stop with the gender stereotyping nonsense that absolutely enables and excuses men to opt out of parenting their children. Both men and women do it.

The men who don't opt out aren't heroes, they are just parents who want to see and spend time with their children no different to the mothers who want the same. That's the point.

Men primarily got EOW because raising children was seen as women's work and as such women were not expected to do paid work outside the house whilst raising children. Times have changed and now all parents need to work and full time work is difficult with small children plus why should the grunt work be designated to just the resident parent (which is usually the woman , let's face it).

My ex just has our children EOW and it's not great but it's certainly better than it was which was him having them only every third weekend. But then we are made to feel like we are very fortunate to have EOW off. Well EOW can be pretty crap actually - I have all the responsibility and not enough time or money to buy everything, to do all the homework and reading with them, but yet it's still all on me to pick the kids up on time (or source alternative arrangements). Then, their dad gets to swing by and play disney dad every 2 weeks whilst feeding them Nutella on toast for breakfast, lunch and dinner (yes he actually did this 2 weeks ago). He doesn't have to pay maintenance either because he's "self employed".

We have parents evening next week and I'm fully expecting to be told that my ds1 is behind in maths - I know he is, but I simply don't have the time or capacity to do as much out of school as I would like to and their dad won't do any.

So I can imagine 50/50 works very well for switched on, hands on parents. But my kids would hate it because they prefer to be with me - not because I am parent of the year by any means but because I'm the only one that actually puts them first and they don't see their father enough so for them it's out of sight, out of mind.

Men primarily got EOW because raising children was seen as women's work and as such women were not expected to do paid work outside the house whilst raising children. Times have changed and now all parents need to work and full time work is difficult with small children plus why should the grunt work be designated to just the resident parent (which is usually the woman , let's face it).

I agree @cadburyegg Society changes, and other arrangements, like this one, don’t always change at the same pace.

DH and his ex were a good example. They split 20 years ago, the ex only worked a few hours a week. It made no sense for DH to be breaking his neck to do school runs, which meant he worked less and therefore earned less, when the ex was at home, so EOW seemed a sensible arrangement. I should add the ex wanted DH to have DSS far more, but still wanted top dollar maintenance, but you can’t have it both ways.

All these examples of “my DC hate 50/50 because they have to move all their stuff between houses and dad just leaves his mum/new wife/whoever to do most of the care” actually illustrates the point that it’s not so much that 50/50 doesn’t work as a principle, it’s that 50/50 doesn’t work when one of the parents doesn’t step up and do it properly and create an equal home for their DC.

Just like how a relationship/marriage doesn’t work if one of the partners doesn’t pull their weight - it’s not being in a relationship that’s at fault, it’s how it’s being conducted.

If the ex is being a shit then of course 50/50 is unlikely to be beneficial to the DC, but conversely if a father is genuinely an equally involved parent pre-separation then how could reducing the DC’s contact with him to EOW be the best thing? Im
sure the “kids need one base” brigade would be much less enthusiastic if the Courts’ default was the DC staying mainly with dad and going to mum EOW.

edited for typo

But no matter how well intentioned or well organised, I can't think of anything worse than having to move between 2 homes on a 50/50 arrangement?

How is different to EOW or how we did it which was 2 days a week? The children are still moving between two houses.

It works for the child in our family. She is very close to both parents. They don't live far apart though.

If a child has a really close loving relationship with both parents then maybe they couldn’t think of anything worse than only seeing one of those parents EOW? It’s a lesser of two evils situation as opposed to an ideal one.

I can think of something worse. Not having a proper relationship with one parent because they are not involved in your day to day life?

My children are happy with the arrangement and moved towards 50/50 of their own accord as they got older.

But no matter how well intentioned or well organised, I can't think of anything worse than having to move between 2 homes on a 50/50 arrangement?

I think it would be much worse than only seeing a much loved parent 2 days a fortnight.

My ex and I share 50/50, we live within 10 minutes of each other, the kids have the same stuff in each house, if there’s something they want from the other house we’ll drop it off to them, we’re flexible with arrangements. They see us working together to put their needs first and see us having a good co-parenting relationship.

Thats much better in my view than having EOW where their time with their dad is limited and precious, with less wiggle room because he wants to spend time with them. Both my two are fine with the arrangements, if/when that changes we’ll adjust things.

My DH is away to a stag weekend. My DSD6 is sad that she's not going to see him for 2 days. I can't imagine how she would cope with EOWE contact. Her mum went on holiday for 2 weeks with her boyfriend. DSD didn't ask for her once. Her mum tried to facetime her but DSD didn't want to talk to her. DH left this morning and DSD has already facetimed him. Definitely a daddy's girl! Yet people would have her seeing her dad a few times a month because apparently mums are better parents and more bonded to their children. 🙄

Only seeing my dad sparingly would have been horrific for me. I adored him.

I don't? I said I think it should be at least a starting point. If there's no history of abuse and it works in practical terms, why wouldn't both parents have equal time? Obviously there are circumstances where it's not best for the kids.

I would have thought not seeing one parent at all or rarely is seen I'm sure is worse for most kids.

I was involved in some interesting research that suggests this isn't the case, it was very informal and not intended to be scientific, but within our LA, we'd had a big spike in teenage suicides. Schools were concerned to find out what the commonalities might be (and worried that school pressure was contributing)

Anyway, what we found was that the children were very varied, some academic, some struggling, some sporty, others not, some popular, others struggled socially, some affluent, some FSM. The only two things they all (100%) had in common was a history of self harm and separated parents , who were both very involved. Not 50/50 but absolutely parenting jointly.

The sample was small (9) although sadly also too large, but 100% must be statistically significan. I do think we underestimate the way children feel pulled from pillar to post.