When did 50/50 become so common?

[Luckylooloostar]

I have a SC and when contact was set up over 13 years ago it was really common to do EOW with maybe a night in the week. No mention of 50/50 ever. Really common among others too around that time.

but Iv noticed a trend over the last few years that seems to be when you split its now 50/50…

Do more men now want this so they don’t have to pay CMS?

Call me old fashioned, call me sexist but sorry say what you like you cannot take away the incredibly powerful bond formed from the child having grown inside a woman’s body, as though they were part of their body and soul, for 9 months. Maternal instincts and bonds with child are incredibly powerful.

Yeah our two children loved that maternal instinct led to them being born addicted to drugs, and for one suffering a year of extreme physical abuse.

Of the split parents I know only one couple don’t do 50/50, the mother is a doctor so she opted for every other weekend, but day time only, they don’t stay overnight.

If we ever split, which I hope doesn’t happen we would be 50/50, as we have an airbnb on the property we could potentially use this to do nesting. But we both hope this isn’t something we’ll have to face.

@Simonjt I agree. Just because someone carried and gave birth to a child doesn't mean they are automatically a great parent.

Call me old fashioned, call me sexist but sorry say what you like you cannot take away the incredibly powerful bond formed from the child having grown inside a woman’s body, as though they were part of their body and soul, for 9 months. Maternal instincts and bonds with child are incredibly powerful.

Yeah DSD and her mother have such a powerful bond that DSD refers to her as "the hag", whereas I was and 30 years later still am, called "mum". DSD has not spoken to her mother since she was 15 and will never do so again.

I think I know one Dad like that and he is ten years older than me.

My friends and colleagues all have partners or are Dads who do 50% of nursery/school drop offs, emergency picking up and curtailing work early, are mad about cooking, ring up in the morning to sort doctor's appointment, etc. I'll admit when I speak to school friends who still live where I grew up there is more a mix of good Dads and wasters, but the age gaps between them and their partners are bigger so I don't really think of these Dads as the 'new' generation.

It might not be an age thing. I guess we socialise with people who are similar to us and it would be awkward to be in a group of friends who need to vent about their shit partners when you can't relate. I can't imagine my partner enjoying socialising with the tragic dad sort either.

So that might be the reason for the big difference in viewpoints on this thread.

My children's dad would have them every other weekend and every other Christmas only. He wouldn't consider 50/50.
So I feel that I have had 99% of the responsibility as he would just cancel his weekends if it didn't suit him. I still think I got the much better deal though

My ex pushed for 50/50 . He got 60/40 (despite my son's disclosures of abuse to school)

He rarely actually has them. And when he does his girlfriend does most of the stuff with them/for them

Because he wouldn’t be able to work the hours he does and manage the other commitments. He wouldn’t have time to shop organic & bio foods and make all food from scratch; which is what I do. I mean I suppose he could if he had another partner who could share some load but in reality you couldn’t work full time and then some (like he does currently) and then do the other life chores on top to the same level of detail I do.

If this is true it's a spectacular failure on society and the parents who raise these men. Why on earth do we think that men can't handle these things? Why on earth do we think this, when the very same men manage perfectly fine remembering their appointments and taking care of details at work? We need to stop giving men a pass to be terrible parents. Being a parent is hard. It takes sacrifice, hard work, use of a diary and the willingness to learn how to cook. It's hard for women and it's hard for men. But it's only men who get let off the hook. It's something we all have to learn, and they would learn it too if they had to, like if they had 50:50.

How do you think single parents do it? Along with their job.

Or do you assume single parents can't possible have jobs as big as your dh, or cook meals, or shop for food?

Jesus wept. It gets worse

OK. So it isn't actually that he isn't capable of doing any of that stuff, it's simply down to the way in which you've chosen to divide tasks between you?

Presumably you realise that lots of couples share responsibilities more equally between them, so why do you assume that, because your DH works long hours, "most dads" are the same?

Also, you still haven't explained why your husband - and "most dads" in your opinion - couldn't take good, thorough and attentive care of their children. This seems to suggest a competence issue rather than simply being a matter of time?

Yep.

It’s definitely a faillite of society at large yes - there’s a really interesting article (guardian I think) today about the declining birth rate and it focuses on South Korea and essentially has women there saying they don’t want any children because the workload will fall on them so they are choosing a different life path.

I suppose reflecting on my comments here my DH could manage doctors appts etc as he would have to just take days off work; and as for cooking organic and all from scratch he could definitely learn that - if he wanted to - I think in my case personally he doesn’t feel it’s necessary/essential whereas I think it’s the best level of nutrition I can give DS (and the rest of us but mainly for DS I suppose). So if I wasn’t here I don’t think DH would continue that as he would say it’s too time consuming and not worth it. Different standards I suppose. Like all parenting I think most people just try their very best and some people focus more on certain details and others give more weight to other aspects. I think what I mean is that I don’t think men and women would typically give the same weight to the same elements of parenting if that makes sense. I suspect mums are far more attentive to detail generally speaking. But of course we are talking in big generalisations here so of course many know of people who aren’t this way or that way etc.

He would have to do what every other working parent does and take time off for any necessary appointments or not work as many hours due to parenting commitments.

He'd also have to do what many working parents do during the week to minimise cooking time such as batch cook at the weekend, use the slow cooker and maybe not every single thing would be organic, some short cuts so not every single thing is from scratch etc but still not all junk either.

Of course it's possible. Men are just often excused and enabled.

Honestly, my DH is more fussy about what dd eats than I am. I don't think you can generalise.

It seems to me that you have slipped into the role of being the default parent with your dh not taking much responsibility for the kids, and you're assuming that most dads are the same.

Lots probably are, but lots are every bit as thorough and conscientious as their female partners. Best not to make assumptions.

Yes, me too - I'm one of them! My parents were too. To me there is no dilemma, DP is no where near awful enough as a partner to counterbalance the awfulness of not seeing DC every day. Only 15 more years to go...

On the EOW question, I think it also depends on what the dad has going on. I think (from my personal experience and that of my friends ) that a single dad who lives locally to mum and makes a nice family home for the DC is a very nice life, even if they are 50:50. A dad who doesn't move a step mum and her kids in, doesn't have more DC with a new woman, is respectful and cordial to the mum can create a really nice family for his children, way better than EOW. But of course kids will feel unsettled travelling a long way and being outsiders in a full time family, or if they feel there is conflict between parents.

Yes you are correct - for example he would have to make some shortcuts eg with food as you say, which I wouldn’t if it was me providing the care. That’s what I meant in my post. That’s a very small example taken from a niche situation but I think you could correctly assume that many men would prepare food differently than women/mothers.

Yep, when I was a lone parent I had someone say on here that they felt sorry for whoever did the wife work as we ate mainly homecooker food, my son had clean clothes, a clean home etc. They called me a liar when I said I did it myself as they weren’t capable of doing the same thing and being employed.

think you could correctly assume that many men would prepare food differently than women/mothers.

I don't think you can assume that.

So now it's just that he chooses not to. Not that he couldn't manage it? So what was your original point then?

No men and women don't give weight to certain things. Men and women are all different. Some women give weight to certain things. Some men give weight to the same stuff.

That doesn't mean your husband couldn't possibly attend medical appointment, cook good food and go shopping.

I can't work out wether you are one of these people who like to lake their husband seem incompetent or simply like to inflate your position as a parent to appear like no one else could possibly do it

No.

Mothers/women don't all approach meal preparation in the same way in any case.

It is ridiculous to make such generalisations!

Mothers are also different though. For example, I've never bought organic and it isn't a priority for me to cook every single thing from scratch daily.

DH and I also share the cooking so it wouldn't be a big deal at all for DH to cook as he does it 50/50 anyway. I'm not the default parent just because I'm the mother.

We need to stop with lazy gender stereotypes and just accept that everyone is different because it really doesn't help anyone.

Absurd! Do people thing that the children of working mums and single parents all survive on ready meals or something?!

I can't work out wether you are one of these people who like to lake their husband seem incompetent or simply like to inflate your position as a parent to appear like no one else could possibly do it

Bit of both, probably @Alwaystransforming?

Edit: apologies, quoted wrong post but I agree with @SouthLondonMum22 as well!!

Oh yeah, you see it on SAHM/working mother threads all of the time. There's always a good handful of SAHM's that say it's a benefit because it means their DC always have home cooked meals.

Working parents just have to be more efficient with their time, that's all.