When did 50/50 become so common?

[Luckylooloostar]

I have a SC and when contact was set up over 13 years ago it was really common to do EOW with maybe a night in the week. No mention of 50/50 ever. Really common among others too around that time.

but Iv noticed a trend over the last few years that seems to be when you split its now 50/50…

Do more men now want this so they don’t have to pay CMS?

My partner wanted 50/50 as the mum at the time wasn't the most mature or responsible (he actually went to court for full custody and walked away with 70% custody) but now that SC is older she does 50/50 as she has a sibling at each house and that way she sees equal amounts of them, plus mum is married and much more responsible. I can't imagine my partner not wanting his daughter more than a couple of nights a week, he's so sad the last night she is with us because he knows he won't see her for 4 days.

It has nothing to do with money in his eyes, he just wanted the best for his little girl.

My impression is the courts push it and parents often go for it because it's easier on them than the alternative. I remain unconvinced it's best for the kids to feel pulled between two homes.

I wouldn't like to split my time equally between 2 homes as an adult, let alone as a kid. Maybe spending equal amounts of time with both parents makes up for all the packing and unpacking and leaving their favourite toy over at the other house!

Only a very small proportion of custody cases go to court - fewer than ten percent.

Clinical psychologists, based on decades of research, say children under five should not have nights away from main carer. Between five and teens, it is going to depend on the child - how anxious they are, other factors - but I would doubt it will be doing them any favours having a 50/50 arrangement. It would be better if the parents lived close to one another and there was a lot of time during the day, best of all if the parents get on well and the time is together.

I know this will be unpopular with half the posters here. But even beyond what is best for stable, loved children, I would say abuse by fathers has gone up in the last couple of decades, not gone down. The courts decisions are making it very hard for women to leave abusive men.

No ones getting annoyed with you. Its a conversation where people give opinions and they may have different opinions to you.

@AinsleyHayes yes but people are aware of what would likely be the case if they or the other parent did take it to court.

I only know of two 50-50 shared residencies and in neither case does the child like it.

The courts decisions are making it very hard for women to leave abusive men and keep their dc safe.

I thought you were thinking I was sticking up the for the shit Dads not just the good ones.

It's quite a tough one because I was saying the child (not mine) in our family is happy with 50/50 but if I thought of only seeing my child half the time when he was growing up it would have been difficult. His Dad is a good one though and they close. We are still together so we didn't have to make these decisions but I have got SC.

I think it's hard for everyone involved.

All the 50/50s I know of (as in genuine 50/50 with everything at both houses, extras split equally etc) have been middle class families. Whereas the ones with EOW or less have tended to be at either extreme of the pay scale i.e. those with lower paid jobs/long term unemployed at one end, and higher earners looking to minimise their payments at the other end. Should I extrapolate from that that only middle class dads love their children enough for 50/50? Anecdata is pretty useless really.

Thankfully gender norms regarding childcare are changing and in one way this is evidenced is fathers playing a more active role after a split.

30 years ago 10% of fathers admitted to changing nappies
now over 80% of fathers change nappies

A small thing but shows a wide scale shift

I will also add that I work with lovely girl, she's 20 and her parents divorced when she was 15, and even now at 20 she does 50/50 and she loves it because she sees her families equally.

It'll be a mix of "Avoiding CM twats" and "Great dads who genuinely want to be part of their kids lives"

If DH and I ever split (hope we don't!) I expect we'd do 50/50. We earn roughly the same, he works long shifts (7 shifts in 14 days) so can't really contribute much to childcare on his work days but can do lots on his days off. Would make sense for him to have his 50% contact on his non-work days and I'd have the kids when he's at work

I'm glad you had such a positive experience. My DH has his kids 50:50 and we have always tried to make sure they feel like this is their home. They have everything they need at both houses so don't take to drag anything between houses.

The rules in our house are vastly different from their mum's and although people might think that would make things difficult for kids they seem to just slip into their routine at each house quite easily. When you think about it there will be different rules at school, restaurants, libraries. We all adapt to different rules without even really thinking about it.

I think it gives them a well rounded experience. I know I do things a certain way because that's how it was done in my house growing up. My stepkids are witnessing two homes being run completely differently, parents who have completely different lifestyles. Maybe their mum does something one way and their dad or I do it another. The kids can then pick and choose what works best for them.

I agree with posters who say this is primarily because the newer generation of dads are more hands on and want to take their fair share of the childcare burden because they are actively involved in raising their children. Also, the weekend Dad trope is pretty tragic these days.

I also think that for many women our view of motherhood and how much it takes over our life has changed in recent decades. It's absolutely fine if your children are the only thing you want to spend time on if it makes you happy and you can afford it. But there is a lot of awareness of mum's mental health and a push to say it is okay to have time for you too and time to properly develop your career. 50/50 enables that.

I don't think anyone splits up and goes yippee I have more time to myself now. But when the dust settles it's okay to see the advantages of not having your kids with you every day when you know they are with their other loving parent.

How is it decided who gets to claim child benefit (and universal credit, if applicable) in cases of 50/50?

Presumably only one parent gets to claim the 30 free hours of childcare and tax free childcare schemes too - does it just rely on good co-parenting and trust to work it out?

I agree @theiid it sometimes ends up a safer option to stay together. My dh isn't abusive, just not very competent or attentive, and I would hate to send the kids off to him for half the time, they would not want that. I cannot imagine being forced to send my children off to an abusive father for 50% of their time when I would be going out of my mind.

And to add, this doesn't just apply to dads, of course it doesn't. One of my best friends is in absolute turmoil splitting from his wife who has abused their child continuously for years. The child doesn't want to see his mum, is happy to live with his dad, but the courts are forcing 50/50 despite all evidence to show this is not in his best interests. Last time I saw him he was in tears and did not know where to turn. If his son was happy to go to his mum, that would be fine with him, but he knows he's sending his son to frankly an awful person.

Yeah only one parent can claim for each child. I suppose if there's two kids parents could claim one each. My DHs ex claims CB for my DSD. She has a lower income and to be honest it wasn't even worth a discussion. We actually have my DSD more than 50% as her mum drops days a lot but for £25 a week it wouldn't be worth the drama.

I'm sure the address where CB is claimed also determines catchment areas for schools so would make sense to suss out the best schools in both catchment areas and decide based on that. The school in the exes catchment is a good school and my DSS17 went there whereas we have no experience of the school in our catchment so better the devil you know.

Regarding the 30 hours of free childcare, it wasn't so much that one parent could claim it. DSD was enrolled in a nursery 5 days a week. We do week on week off so both parents "benefited" from the free childcare.

I agree with posters who say this is primarily because the newer generation of dads are more hands on and want to take their fair share of the childcare burden because they are actively involved in raising their children

You need to define 'hands on'. I know lots of men who could describe themselves as 'hands on' because they bath a baby once a week and sometimes change the nappies. None of them buy their children clothes, know their child's shoe size, know who their children's friends are, facilitate play dates, drop off to activities, attend birthday parties and buy gifts, routinely manage health related appointments etc. etc. etc.

The very real issue with 50/50 is that it's all about parental rights and what's fair for parents. Children's voices are rarely heard under the age of 12. One of my children was born post-split from my ex husband. He had a dreadful childhood, was pushed from pillar to post when he just wanted to be at home with me. He spent much of his time between the age of 2 and 7 screaming for me when at his dad's house. I can't imagine how that must have felt for him and how awful it must have felt to not have his dad listen to him and see his mum powerless to do anything about it.

In our case it was decided by the court that my partner would claim the child benefit and would send half to the mum. Now it puts us at a disadvantage because we only get half of hers and the lower amount for our son but her mum gets half of hers and the full amount for their other child because shes not claiming the older ones, but that's not her fault and we don't begrudge her for it nor do we struggle financially because of it.

Tell that to my DSS, who lives with us

50/50 is a scam invented by men so they wouldn't have to pay child maintenance. They might take 50% of the time but they don't do 50% of the work. 'Hands on' dads, my arse.

The above is my personal, considered opinion and won't be changed by posters claiming their exes are wonderful fathers or any other such nonsense.

Not true for all. The Mum I know was full on board and it suits her better. She may have even been the one to suggest it.

What a sad view to hold.

Do you have children? What's your husband like? Shite presumably?