When did 50/50 become so common?

[Luckylooloostar]

I have a SC and when contact was set up over 13 years ago it was really common to do EOW with maybe a night in the week. No mention of 50/50 ever. Really common among others too around that time.

but Iv noticed a trend over the last few years that seems to be when you split its now 50/50…

Do more men now want this so they don’t have to pay CMS?

I'm talking about the men who do want to see their children more than EOW but the Mums don't allow it.

My DC spent 3 nights a fortnight with my exH, Thursday to Sunday and Thursday night with him from after school for dinner. This seemed like it would be the best for the kids. DS2 has ASD and struggled with changes to his routine and 50:50 was suggested at an early stage in the divorce but wasn't recommended by DS2's teachers. It suited me very well. They had one main base and stability with me and maintained a close relationship with their father. They had clothes at their dad's but school stuff stayed mostly with me. We still had the odd occasion when homework or games kit was left in the wrong house though.

Now the DC are all adults, the NT 2, who have both moved away, see their dad occasionally but visit him every time they come home. I see them more often, but it's me visiting them! DS2 still lives with me and quite happily sees his dad one evening a week and has chosen not to stay over as he prefers his own bed.

Would the baby in question even be in existence without his contribution. No.

IMO women who think they are the more entitled parent because they are the mother are setting a horrible example to their kids. It’s undermining and selfish.

I have 50/50 through choice because he is as much the parent as I am, whether I grew DC in my womb or not.

I also think it’s more common now because women work more than they ever did. Roles have changed in households.

You said it's because of his work 🤷‍♀️

Right, but we've made heaps of progress on equality since then. Women are treated better in the workplace, and men are treated better in home courts. Equal rights at work, equal parental responsibilities at home. The reason we see 50/50 now isn't CMS, it's fairness and equality.

If men really loved spending time with their kids back then, and only got EOW, they would have been sad all of the time. I know I would have been. If I could only see my kids EOW I would be plunged into deep depression. The default was very bad for those men who are equal parents. My own DP spends the same amount of time with our DC as I do. We each do one day off with them in the week (preschoolers still), and spend our weekends and evenings together. He would fight me tooth and nail if I tried to pull an EOW stunt on him. Although for me personally this would be bad in a split, it's worth it to have given my kids the gift of a dad who loves them, wants to spend time with them and wants to be an equal main parental figure in their lives.

The men I know are much more involved in parenting and actively want to spend as much time as they can with their children. My own dad and grandfathers were always very hands on parents. My brothers are the same one has full custody of his children and the other has always been 50:50 with his ex.

Back in the 90s it was considered to be unsettling for children to effectively have two homes, and, as the OP says, the expectation was usually EOW and one night midweek if local

These days both parents working is far more common so 50/50 is more practical. 10/20 years ago there was likely more mums that stayed at home therefore had the custody during the week

What other option is there though? We'd love to have my DSD6 full-time but her mum wouldn't allow it even though she uses babysitters constantly. I think she'd be worried DH would go to CMS and she would also worry about other people judging her. Not a chance DH would allow his ex to be the main parent as she can't even cope with 50:50 as it is. So what do we do? We have no option but to split care.

Thankfully my DSD seems to be absolutely fine having 2 homes. Not quite the traumatic shit show every seems to think it is.

We have my DSS17 fulltime and he made that decision on his own but DSD is obviously too young to decided where she'd like to live.

What kind of people do you know? Honestly who look after their own child to avoid child maintenance? What a sad view.

Then they take her to court. It's costs £232.

To everyone saying they know men or are separating from men who are great fathers who want to spend as much time as possible with their kids and want everything to be equal, that's great. But there are also men who have just not been the dad they should have been, for the entirety of their children's lives. Maybe 50/50 will give them the kick up the arse they need to step up and be a good dad and that will be a valuable lesson for them, but do the kids (and the mum) have to pay the price for this lesson??

I don't why a couple of posters are getting annoyed with me.

We had my SC more than EOW.

My Brother did go to court and it cost more than £232.

@Tryingmybestadhd , in my case the “ father “ of my eldest dd who is now 25 completely stopped seeing her when she was 5 , because he had a new wife and child .

My parents divorced 15 years ago and we went to them 50:50, as they were both our parents equally and I’m pretty sure equally fond of us as their children? We enjoyed have two full time parents still, not one part time every other weekend.

Can’t envision ever splitting from my husband and splitting our family but if we did it would be 50:50, as heartbreaking as I would find it to be away from my children I know my husband would be heartbroken too and I don’t believe my rights trump his or that it is even remotely what’s best for the children.

I’m sorry your bar is so low for the men in your life.

My DP has his DC 50/50 - because he wants to spend as much time with them as their mother. I wish my ex would like to see our DC as much - currently sees ours less than 30% of the time and is frequently trying to reduce this too

It's costs more if you get lawyers involved. If you self represent you only need to pay the court fee.

I just hate when people use "their mum won't let me" as an excuse for hardly seeing their kids. She doesn't own the kids. It does seem like a lot of mum's do think they own their kids though and they can just dictate to the dad if and when he can see his kids. Dad's shouldn't just accept this carry on from their exes.

50/50 only works if both parents live near each other. Long distance parenting is not going to work in any % tbh. They are people not parcels.

I’m so sorry 😔. It still happens a lot . I don’t think people realise how common it still is . Yes men are better at keeping in touch and being in their child’s life but still far from what media seems to paint .
My finance is a dad and a stepdad to my children and his previous wife oldest ( he calls him dad and they speak almost daily ) , so I know there are good men out there but it’s still not the norm .

Not all my ex's brother would have done anything to see his children more than every other weekend. But he made the most of that time with them always planning something fun to do. Sometimes with us they love my DC who have special needs. Ex was a total cow she was the one who had an affair while he was working his arse off to support them.

She would rather pay a child minder when he could have had them after school a few nights a week. He was the one running around after them making sure his son got his asthma inhalers because she couldn't be bothered to put a script in. If he bought them anything and they took it back to their mum's the step siblings would destroy it on them.

@Tryingmybestadhd , thank you for your kind comment. I truly don’t think people realise how common child abandonment still is . My wonderful dp has raised her for the last 20 years.

10 or so years ago - EOW and a night in the week was the norm. That was the ‘standard’ sadly dished out in the family court.

The courts (wrongly) still viewed women as the nurturers & men as the providers.

My now DH took his EW to court when they divorced 12 years ago as she wouldn’t allow contact. She believed she was the more superior parent & in control of contact. He couldn’t possibly look after the kids - that was her job. She also didn’t want maintenance reduced and believed the child were on a ‘pay per view’ basis.

50/50 contact was unheard of then. EOW was dished out as that (sadly) was the norm then.

Men are just as capable of looking after kids as women. This view that they only want 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance is not true in all cases. Some men actually want to see their kids & be involved. Women who stop it should be ashamed of themselves (as a SM I’ve seen the damage withholding contact does to kids).

@wherethecrawmumsings I'd say the anxiety they experience is more to do with bad feeling between the parents and kids having to witness that. Constantly feeling like they're taking sides
50/50 does need parents to get on and work together. Thankfully many of us do.

It would put me off being with someone if they only saw their child part time. I think in the past, men have opted for pt because in general, they were less hands on at parenting. They tended to earn more money whilst the mother took on all the mental load and parenting side. Nowadays its more common for both parents to work and its more common for dads to be actively involved in their childs life - going to activities, helping with homework, etc. These men will want to continue doing all of these things with their children whereas in the past, it was easier for men to walk away and take EOW etc. If they had felt strongly, they otherwise would have fought for 50/50.

Nice deflection. Answer the question. At any point in his child's life did he not want to see his child more? And you? We all know your answer, and his tbh, I'm guessing it's the reason teen sc doesn't come around anymore too.