To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

[danialan]

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

Your problem is your DH - he is prioritising his mother's unreasonable demands above your feelings. You need to deal with that first or nothings going to change.

Why doesn’t MIL stay in the kids’ part with the rest of her family, if she doesn’t want to be alone?

Sorry but this is in total enabling bullshit behaviour that I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to be a part of. I’d be letting my DH know in no uncertain terms that if his “free will” is so easily purchased and that he can allow his mother to undermine you for the sake of material items; then I’d be moving my stuff into my own house until he grew a backbone. You need to get a job and become financially stable of your own accord. There’s nothing stopping him from upping and leaving you 15/20 years down the line and where will you be then? Happens all the time, you only have to spend 30 seconds on here to discover that. You don’t need masses of money to have a happy and stable life with your children. You already have more than most your age by yourself. Your children need to be able to recognise that your decisions are the word of god and that you won’t be a walk over. If you don’t assert your parental dominance to your MIL along with firm boundaries they will grow up with just as little respect for you as your MIL has and just as fickle and shallow as your husband. I also hope you have a reciprocating prenup with regards to your house as well.

Probably missing the point but this thread has made me so happy that my MIL isn't richer! She's tried pulling the strings over "gifts" with expectations of control in the past but we've had no hesitation in declining the offer and sailing out own ship. Eg when we had an unexpected total car breakdown loss MIL offered to replace it but made it clear she would choose the vehicle etc. Thanks, but no thanks, bank loan for the win. A whole fucking house though? So pleased I haven't had to negotiate that crap!

Oh the name comment wasn’t tame btw. Mind you, you both went fairly full throttle with that topic.
I think Arina is a pretty name but it doesn’t have a traditional English feel. Not saying they have to but lots of people ( including my mum and mil) feel more comfortable with something that feels familiar when it comes to their grandchildren. Not saying that’s right, or even that I personally agree, just that amongst my friends parents that wouldn’t be a massively unusual response. A friend called her DS Artie and her mum cried for days that he would be called Farty Artie. So grandparents do give their 50p on naming. It’s not totally weird.

You're paying the price Op. And your husband is more than happy to.

They aren't legally binding in England and Wales and are used at the discretion of the judge. It depends on each individual case too. They are considered in divorces but if you have considerable assets/wealth and are looking at a prenup as a safe haven or as a holy grail then you are out of your mind/deluded as they are far from bullet proof.

Sometimes the wealthy are savvy about this and so have the money/assets in the family's name so that if their son/daughter gets a divorce it's much more difficult for the spouse to walk away with anything in the divorce as it's family money. In other words one can marry into wealth and walk away with bugger all in a divorce and it's all legally above board.

I’m not saying they’re legally binding. I’m saying they do have value, and are generally upheld. Anyone that has enquired about/used a prenup will be aware of their limitations, and will have been advised to craft it in a way that minimizes the likelihood of it being successfully challenged.

If you have considerable assets then it’s unlikely that you’ll only be using a prenup as a safeguard.

Where are you getting the idea that they are generally upheld though? Look at the amount of Celebs and high profile people in the media who get stung in divorces. You Can be sure there were prenups set up before those marriages that were over ruled in the divorce.

Because in order for a prenup to be recognized it needs to be done by a solicitor, and a solicitor will make sure it meets the necessary criteria to resist any challenges to it. That isn’t to say it’s bulletproof, but it does mean it is likely to be upheld.

“In the UK, a prenup is not legally binding and there are various caveats. However, UK courts do typically recognise and uphold prenuptial agreements, as long as they meet the qualifying criteria and are fair in all circumstances. It is also possible to get a prenup after you have gotten married, which is call a “postnuptial agreement” and follows the same rules.”

https://www.johnfowlers.co.uk/latest-news/are-prenups-legally-binding-in-the-uk

Yes but this is just a statement, it doesn't outline how many times the prenups work.

Yes, a statement they haven’t pulled out of thin air though, given that it’s their field.

The case that ‘broke’ prenups as valid was in 2010, and just law year there was a further case that solidified their validity:
https://www.allaw.co.uk/do-prenuptial-agreements-hold-up-in-court/

Again, while they are not bulletproof, they certainly have value.

Nothing she says sounds terrible to me. People have different opinions. You can be offended if you want, but it seems like a lot of wasted energy to me.

But I would definitely not accept any financial help from someone I loathed as much as you seem to loathe your MIL. There's something distasteful about accepting lavish gifts while at the same time complaining that she treats you like a child. TBH you have put yourself in the position of a child, since she essentially supports your lifestyle. Be independent. Get a job. Why are you and your husband refusing to stand on your own four feet? It's time to grow up.

Exactly this. Saraclara is exactly right. Gifts should not come with strings attached. But they do and that is the reality of this situation and it will not change.

@saraclara , you may think this level of gifting is astonishing, but you know nothing of OP and her DH’s family. You don’t know whether the financial support they get even makes a dent in the family wealth.

FWIW, there are lots of families that give away money, houses etc to adult children. They don’t all feel entitled to then rule their lives. You can’t own someone with gifts.

I understand that many posters have not had the good fortune of benefitting from family wealth, and that they see this as an injustice. That feeling is legitimate. But it is not right to tell the OP that she has signed away her life because she married into money. The scorn on this thread is not a good colour.

I think you can give gifts with strings attached as long as you are clear beforehand. The OP commented that the house that the MIL gave the OPs husband is ringfenced as being her husbands. Thats not unreasonable really. It only matters to the OP if she gets divorced. If I were the MIL I wouldn't want my money to go towards an ex DIL.

You're getting the benefit of living there though and being able to be a sahm. I'm sure she's irritating but I think a lot of mums/mils would come out with those examples. Learn to ignore, water off a duckss back. And I do agree that little children should have fresh air and a chance to run around each day as well as going to the museum.

Do Not Go on the next one. You exist on this trip only so she gets points for ‘family’ but also her son to himself, go somewhere else or stay home so he can look after his own children or she has to.

This post has nailed it on the head.

Some parents do have a way of pressing our buttons, sadly, even if they’re not funding their child’s lifestyle.

My dad sounds a lot like your MIL. He seems to be full of sound advice for my cats - even though he’s never had one.

He was even managing to push my buttons when we were watching an episode of The Masked Singer!

I grit my teeth and bear it and do what I want to do.

But I have a non-negotiable: my husband. If he dares put a foot wrong with my husband, I’ll rip him a new one. My dad is aware of this boundary and unsurprisingly, doesn’t cross it.

If your husband won’t lay down boundaries with mum, it’s up to you to manage and limit your time in her presence- if her little digs get to you that much.

Time for am honest chat with hubby: say you understand MIL means well but her comments are chipping away at you the point where it’s better for your well-being to restrict how much time you spend with her.

You can really only change yourself and your reactions in this situation.

Just out of interest why are you not being assertive with your MIL?

Why are you going on these holidays that you don’t enjoy? Why not say ‘we are going on a solo family holiday this year for family bonding but thank you for your offer’ or ‘no thank you, DH doesn’t help with the children, and until he does I’ve decided I don’t want the hassle’.

IMO, the comments about names, falling, outdoor time etc is standard GP behaviour that just needs shutting down. My Nan asked why I was ‘messing about’ with teething crystals, as the baby should be given a lamb bone to chew on!

If all the financial help is ‘gifts’ for your DH and you can be financially independent- why on earth are you sticking around to be treated like this? Just because your spineless DH can be bought, doesn’t mean you have to stoop so bloody low.

@danialan
She sounds hideous but she's pretty much supporting you financially so you're in an awkward position. Is her help out of a genuine desire to be generous to her family or a way of further controlling your lives & making you 'owe' her?

I'd say you either need to continue accepting the help & find a way to deal with her or get a job, stand on your own 2 feet & then you can really push back.

At the moment, she's paid for your house, car, holidays & basically allows for you to be a SAHM, so in her obviously dominant & controlling mind, she feels that she can dictate how you live & bring up your kids!

Only you can change that.

And your DH needs to grow a set & be in it with you 100%!

The problem here is not your MIL it’s your husband I’m afraid. All the things you describe are classic interfering MIL things, my MIL did all these passive aggressive things, and had a dig at a family name choice. I just told her that it wasn’t her life and so not her decisions (as my husband was a bit crap at that) My MIL paid diddly squat to us so that didn’t cloud the issue. Everyone needs to draw a line in the sand. So she doesn’t speak to the elder child as much. Did she withdraw the house? Just tell her you will parent your way and she’s entitled to her opinion but are making your own choices. Then it’s up to her to decide if she wants to keep giving fancy things to someone who doesn’t want her advice and can stand up for themselves. Presumably if she backs off it’s a win for you? One of you needs to have the conversation if these (mostly petty) things really bother you. If your husband won’t (have you asked him to?) then it needs to be you.

I think there are quite a lot of harsh responses here. We all live in different ways and I can recognise that in some levels of society, the gifting and spending is the natural way if things. However, the strings that come with that don't have to be so dictatorial or offensive. If I were you, you need to show her that you are equal adults. Make some strong decisions for yourselves - not about days out but about things you want to achieve in life, and make them happen without her help. Show some strength to make a difference. You have wealth, show that you can use it to, I don't know, save animals, support a charity, whatever, but something on your terms, not hers. She doesn't seem to have much respect for you. That's what will make it feel less degrading when she comments.

@danialan

Just thinking 🤔 couldn't your Grandmother's name Arina, be a middle name for your baby daughter c..