To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

[danialan]

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

@MrsTerryPratchett thing is, if her suggestions were benign I wouldn't have an issue with them.

A trip to the park is lovely but so is taking my daughters to a museum if they're enjoying it. One isn't better than the other.

My grandmas name is my grandmas name. To me it's one of my favourite names because I associate it with one of my favourite people in the world.

Then you'll have to either get your dh to speak up and set boundaries or put your big girl pants on and manage it yourself. You are both reinforcing the needy parent/child dynamic by not standing on your own two feet.

I agree that the money isn't the only thing. OP, every suggestion on here, your reaction has basically been powerless and resigned. WOMAN UP. Set your boundaries and stick to them. You can't change him but you can be less wet about it.

If you're husband is going to be greedy and pathetic, then it's down to you to challenge her. You've nothing to lose, frankly. Though I'm in agreement that her comments are relatively benign compared to a lot of the MILstories on Mumsnet. Irritating rather than abusive.

Unfortunately your mistake was made many years ago when you settled down with a mummy's boy who is bankrolled by his parents. It's not within your power to have what you want, which is presumably a husband who has a backbone but also a cordial relationship with an MIL who will continue to financially support you both.

You can't make anybody else do what you want so whilst you can advocate for yourself and your kids, you can't force your husband to do the same and you can't stop MIL being a rude, overbearing nightmare. If you have tried talking to your husband and it's falling on deaf ears, then it looks like you have reached a stalemate. You either accept the marriage and in-laws on these terms or you walk away.

So she doesn’t take you on the luxurious holidays mentioned in the first post?

Seeing less of her is the way forward.. Remind dh he isn't married to his dm.
When dc are at an age you feel comfortable with just send them off for visits and stay home /see a friend /do your own thing. No law says you need a relationship with her. But she doesn't want what's best for her dgc if she is stressing their dm out...

I don't agree with this. If I give someone a gift it's because I want to. We have given both our children substantial amounts for house deposits and other large purchases. We don't expect them to agree with everything we say and we certainly don't feel entitled to interfere in their parenting decisions or what they named their children.
OP I would try and distance myself a bit from her and do challenge her even if your husband refuses to and ignore her remarks about your parenting

Wtf?! No, financial gifts absolutely don't buy someone a stake in your decision-making or the right to make intrusive, insulting remarks that undermine you as parents. Your DH needs to talk to her and get some clear boundaries in place. If she won't accept that she needs to be respectful, then I would be having considerably less contact with her.

I disagree.

Gifts shouldn’t buy someone a stake in your decision making, however they frequently DO. I am guessing the OP’s partner is fully aware of the transactional element of the relationship with his mum and knows that for things like holidays and cars to continue there is an expectation that you dance to her tune. My guess would be he likes the gifts more than a happy wife.

@Haydenn yeah I go on the holidays but because my DH wants to. He knows I don't enjoy them. Why would I enjoy being told every day that I'm making my daughters miss hours of sunshine because we woke up at 8 and didn't get to the beach till 9 (compared to my perfect MIL who's been on the beach since 7:30)? Why would i enjoy being told that my daughters shouldn't be wearing any swimsuit rather than wear the UPF 50+ I've put them in, which will inevitably cause skin irritation (it never has...)? Why would I enjoy her telling my husband to sit in a separate part from me all day (there's a kids bit and no-kids bit of the beach) so that he "can have a peaceful holiday" whilst I manage a toddler and a baby all day?

Keep as far away as possible from her.
Don't volunteer any info, to tell where you are or what you do.
If she says kids need to go yo park, just say "yes"... then do what you want
This is going to be a long ride, so,
be clever

Those are just very stereotypical MIL type comments. Commenting on the baby’s name, my MIL did this, when we told her the name she said ‘poor child.’ With the example of the park, I would have said ‘of course we’re taking them to the park’. But in reality we put the phone down and say ‘silly old bitch’. My DH is aware of what a snidey cow she can be. I just want to keep the peace, and she’s given us f all. So in your situation where you have been given so so much I would continue to grin and bear it. All her comments are bitchy and unhelpful but she’s not being cruel or nasty as such. As others have said, if you bite back and there’s a fallout, it leaves you in a very awkward situation. It’ll be a case of biting the hand that feeds you.

You’re not being unreasonable and it seems you’re unfortunately stuck with a mama’s boy.

You’ll have to develop your own coping mechanisms- tell her to butt out, or learn to grey rock.

All the comments that she makes have easy come backs. So just do it.

"Actually maybe I'll go to the adults only section and DH can look after the kids"

"DH don't lift her down, you know she can do that by herself"

"Don't insult my grandmothers name"

etc, etc

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you want to be treated with respect like an adult, you have to behave like an adult. OP stop making excuses and get a job to support yourself. If your husband accepts handouts from his mum say “stop accepting handouts as they are allowing your mum to undermine our authority. If you keep accepting them I will leave this marriage” and mean it. Problem solved.

I suspect you won’t follow my advice OP because you want to live a life of luxury and just bitch and whinge about your situation all the time without taking any personal responsibility for getting yourself into/choosing that situation. Think about what a horrible example this is setting for your children. Would you like your children to see you and your husband living like kept children, cowering to the grandmother and taking shit for money?

That's entirely your issue. Refuse. Simple. When he says he enjoys them say, "of course you do. I don't". He can take the girls alone or not go.

If you are going to act like dependent children then you shouldn't be surprised if you are treated like children. You should both start by putting up boundaries, including refusing financial handouts as though you were teenagers.

Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
You should have laughed and said you'll do park another day. Laughter is very good at stopping this sort of thing. OR state you find it sad that she believes children (or do you have all girls??) shouldn't be educated or have their minds filled with interesting facts.

Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
You should have told her it was a family name and you find her comments insulting. DH should have stopped this immediately. Why didn't either of you put that line in the sand right away?

Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There is a middle ground of being close enough to catch without actually interfering with their progress. Did either of you do that?

But the bottom line is you need to calmly rebutt all her comments OR grey rock OR go low contact yourself and let DH have the "fun" of her little digs.

I disagree with posters saying you must put up with these comments because you live off MIL's money.

That implies that in any relationship where someone is looking after someone else financially, the financially dependent party must put up with being spoken to badly because they are receiving money. Receiving money from someone doesn't give them the right to speak badly to you. Money should not be given to pay for the right to be critical. That's absolute bullshit. I suspect a lot of posters can't see past their own envy of your financial situation.

So with the issue of MIL, absolutely you and DH need to learn the art of standing up to her. This won't come easily, or come overnight. I suggest some googling around standing up to critical parents etc, or possibly even some therapy or coaching to help you both develop the skills to politely and respectfully stand up to MIL and encourage better behaviours from her. I say both of you, but I recognise that this problem is mainly his, however it would benefit for you to learn the skills as well so you can back each other up and work as a team to stop her doing this.

She is not behaving herself but the only way to stop it is for both of you to change your responses. It might be hard at first but well worth it.

But if you get a job you won’t be destitute, without assets, or pension. Having to re-enter the job market at entry level.

there are a million cautionary tales on MN, read them. Especially as in this marriage assets are ring fenced for him alone.

There’s no way for you to continue with everything exactly as is except she stops making these comments. You have no leverage and your DH’s is not as certain she’s always wrong as you are. What you can do is develop some independence so that you have a foundation for saying “No” from that won’t mean disaster for you if it breaks your marriage up.

So get a job and put money aside. Stop going on the holidays. Answer her back if you want to, though personally I think silence and a lifted eyebrow is more effective. Let your DH do her bidding if he wants but don’t do it yourself and tell him if it puts a strain on your relationship.

Also stop letting your DD climb on your MiL’s furniture (if I’ve read that right - sounds like you were at hers if you know your DH would have let DD continue if you’d been at home) because that’s just rude regardless of how annoying your MiL is.

She gives you an ENORMOUS amount of financial support and sounds fairly typical of an overbearing MIL.

at some element if you’re accepting that much support from her you need to smile and nod and ignore the criticisms from her.

or you can go independent and tell her to shut it, but I expect it’s too late now.

If you are going to act like dependent children then you shouldn't be surprised if you are treated like children.

In a nutshell.

Does your husband have no pride?

I'm not one to promote toxic masculinity, but really, I'd have no respect for a man who isn't prepared to be a (joint) provider and live an independent adult life.

they can be used as guidance now and are on the UK if both parties signed freely

In theory she shouldn't be making these comments even with all the financial support but she does.

Have you sat down with your husband and been honest about the comments and holidays? It sounds like he is going to want to keep the easy life and I would guess he'd chose his mum over you as he gets an easy life from her.

I would get a job- even just for your own pride. Become an independent adult and then you can choose whether you want to continue in the life with your husband.

I think the best advice I can give you is to try to change your mindset (I know, this is difficult!) and keep repeating 'she means well, it's because she cares' to yourself each time, rather than 'she's getting at me again'.
Sadly I have seen many family relationships badly spoiled by similar clashes, and I don't think you will gain anything from raising the issue or pressuring your DP to intervene. He might feel you are forcing him to choose between you, and he might not welcome your complaints about his mum, especially as he perceives her comments as coming from a good place. With practice you will be able to ignore it and it will all wash over you, without the risk of upsetting family relations.
Good luck, see yourself as the better person, you can do it!