To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

[danialan]

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

Don’t want to derail but have to say that I wouldn’t trust any uk law firm that used the word ‘gotten’ to write anything that is binding in a British court. 😬

@danialan so many PPs have said it… you have a DH problem. So you need to decide how you want to live. You can tolerate the snipes, comments, overstepping and self-indulgence of your MiL in return for a quiet life with your DH. Or you can tell your DH you won’t tolerate it: stop going on the holidays, walk out of MiL’s house if she annoys you, tell her that you will ask for her opinion if you want it. If you don’t care about the gifts, you have nothing to lose, and you might get your husband back. And if he going to continue to choose his mummy over his wife, you are better off knowing asap.

Enjoy the handouts and let her have her say - learn some techniques to stop it bothering you. Just learn to smile and nod.

Someone, who may be American, using an American English term, that has increasingly been adopted by speakers of British English, does not mean that the information given is incorrect.

Solicitors are governed by strict professional standards, and they’re not going to leave themselves open to litigation and/or ruin their careers and reputations by providing false information. Well, some will, but not ones accredited with Lexcel.

This pretty much sums it up.
You even worded it as 'she gifts us nice things' when actually you appear to live mortgage free in a house she gifted you to live in. A nice handbag is a nice thing to be gifted. Giving a house a little more than that I'd say.

You have a DH problem

I'm going against the grain. Gifts even as big as houses shouldn't come with the caveat of "I will be a prick to you as much as I like". Is there a sliding scale? If I give a friend a £1000 handbag for Xmas can I call her a cunt for a month?

Your husband sounds like a fucking drip tho. He's more interested in lavish gifts than sticking up for his wife and removing himself from his mother's teat. Ick.

Then you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. You have a house that you own outright and inheritance money - your husband works. You could live a comfortable life without the handouts from his mother. If that is more important to him than your happiness and being independent, your husband is the problem.

You what, you don’t have yo go on a holiday you don’t enjoy. Don’t go. Your husband is free to go if he wants to, and take the kids. You can enjoy some ‘me’ time.

You can't really have both

@danialan You say 'But I don't want to have the comments.'

Sadly you can't do anything about them. You can't control her or what comes out of her mouth. Nor can you control your husband's reaction to her comments. All you can control is you.

instead of stressing about how to change her or your DH, start thinking about you. Why does the opinion of someone who doesn't even live with you matter so much to you? Why do you care that her parenting style is different to you? Has it occurred to you that your DH might actually agree with some of the things she says and that's why he follows through on some of her suggestions?

It seems to me that you and your MIL are both used to getting your own way and both find it difficult when other people disagree with them.

And as PP have said - pre-nups are not legally binding in the U.K. Once you are legally married the marriage contract makes any previous contracts null and void. A court may take them into account as a statement of intent but they aren't legally binding. Not that it's particularly relevant as you don't seem to be thinking of separating.

Tell her to shut up, you don’t want to hear it. Or just stop listening, change the subject, leave the room, Answer any negatives comments with “That doesn’t work for us”. Really! you think hours in the sun without skin protection is a good idea?“
DD loved the museum, she was very enthusiastic about it, she learned such a lot. More tea MIL?
The comments about the child’s name would have been met with “That’s rude and uncalled for”
She’s too involved because you’re allowing it. Be less available, tell her less, she doesn’t need to know your itinerary.
Don’t let DH hide behind a book and his mother’s skirts on holiday, the kids have two parents, make sure he spends as much time with them as you do. Be assertive.

Exactly, the OP has lots of choices, instead she comes here crying wolf.
If it's such a problem, tell your DH to either cut the Strings off mummy's apron or you'll be walking away.
You have your own bloody house + inheritance, you are able to get a job and book a nursery for your kids... Sorted.
Really comes down to what's important to you. Your DH obviously only cares about the $$$$ signs mummy can give. He has a wife and children but would rather live like a child still!

This. I’d have not taken the financial help tbh. By taking all the gifts and financial support it’ll be harder to cut them out.

Sorry OP but from this holiday example your DH sounds like a pretty shitty dad and husband. Barely spending anh time with his kids and not concerned you might need a break or adult company. Sounds like MIL also doesn't care about doing much eith her grandkids.
You need to just say to your DH that these "holidays" are not holidays at all, just hard work running after the kids and being essentially abandoned by him. Tell him next time he can either go alone or with the girls - but that you are not joining.

Yes, she can!
why are so many people on this thread telling the OP to put up or shut up?

Your MIL treats you and your h like children because you take her financial support like you are children.
She’s very annoying but for a free house and other threats, I’d be sucking it up.

I think people are over complicating things with the financial matters, pre nup etc.
Loads of PILs act like this, with or without money, gifts etc! It seems you just mentioned those in a 'should I just shut up and be grateful' way?

It is possible to minimise the impact of her constant badgering, but you have to believe on a deep level that her judgment is meaningless to you. It is really not about you, or anyone else. She sounds like she feels very small inside and needs to be the best in every situation. There are techniques you can learn, but the greatest peace will come when her words lose their power over you.

Watching your husband pander to her might be harder to get over, and is trickier to deal with. It's normal that you want his support. I guess you could try and unpick what he fears would happen if he supported you instead of his mum?

Also, perhaps you don't have to go on the holidays! She will never be content with you, so you may as well actually displease her by doing what you want I.e. not going.

Whats your point? OP is living there enjoying the benefits of the free house, and other benefits, right!

It sounds like an informal contract has been made - she supports you financially and as.a result has a more than normal involvement in your DD lives ?
You could choose to break that contract but at a price which would affect your family’s lifestyle which you seem to enjoy .

You could let the comments wash over you - laugh them off and not react to them but if you can’t do that then maybe you should start gently challenging her (& your DH should grow some balls) instead of privately fuming . “The baby is fine Mum , she does this all the time at home and it helps her to develop “ or “ the girls get plenty of fresh air , education is good for them too” . “ We WILL be calling our DD Arina (& do it ) “ You don’t need to go full scale NC , but you don’t have to put up with the comments if they’re upsetting you so much

All my holidays for about ten years were similar to this (not the part about the wealthy in-laws but the part about being left alone with the kids most of the time while he hung out with his parents and then everyone would act like I should be grateful for my "vacation") and I still haven't gotten over it. Do you enjoy this, basically doing what you already do at home, alone, while your husband panders to his mom?

I eventually started making it very clear to all of them that I was not enjoying the vacation and that this was totally unfair to me. It changed very gradually, not fast enough, but it did eventually get better. It still makes me angry to think back on it though.

I would sit her down and ask her if her financial assistance comes with strings attached. It's not a gift if it comes with expectations.

Ultimately though she might not be reasonable enough to recognise that and could withdraw her financial support. It boils down to whether you're comfortable being bought at the expense of raising your child in a way you see fit.

I couldn't put up with it for any amount of cash. I'd rather struggle. Particularly when it comes to thinks like managing risk. How your child learns to negotiate safety now will have an impact on how secure and comfortable they are with risk assessment as an adult. Also, the behaviour over naming is subtle racism/xenophobia (sorry, I don't know the origin of the name Arina). I wouldn't want my kid around that kind of nastiness tbh.

This has been said a few times and the OP hasn't answered. It's either that she actually loves the holidays and doesn't want to give them up OR she hates them and is coerced to go. But she won't specify.

The answer is just not to go. Or do what we do when we go with various family members; each person gives a list of must-haves and nice-to-haves and of course I someone finds somewhere that fits the bill. If OP wants a kids club and nannies, she can make them a must-have. MIL wants a specific place that doesn't have that, OP doesn't go.

OP you must see that the holidays is DH as much as, if not more than, MIL. The lazy fucker just wants to relax and have you to nanny.

This.
ignore the nasty comments, they’re from jealous envious snipers.
Who wouldn’t want to be gifted a house and cars, make life financially more comfortable. But it shouldn’t allow her free rein to be a bitch. A lot of the comments are very typical mil comments which I would be a little more sterner about responding to. But your husband needs to grow a set and tell her to back off and allow you both to raise your kids as you please. And not to run to her frequently to accompany her on cocktail hour!

BTW everyone there are a couple of perfectly serviceable words in English; given and gave. 'Gifted' isn't posher, better or clearer.

HTH.