To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

[danialan]

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

Because she spends a lot of money on you she thinks she can speak to you how she likes. Unfortunately everything comes at a price

Maybe she doesn't respect your lack of independence and gratitude.
Do you ever do nice things for her?

When you accept any financial help from people, they have the power over you to comment on how you live your life. As you say, she'd no doubt continue if you got a job. Honestly, in your position (the money to DH is never going to stop) I'd just learn to tune her out.
I have a completely different dynamic with my MIL (no help financially or otherwise) but she is very vocal about her opinions. I will either ignore, laugh it off and have some banter with her or tell her to give it a rest. It's an active decision to be a door mat or disrespected by a MIL. The best relationships come from being open and honest. When she comments on things, answer her back!

I’m sorry but when someone finances your entire life of course there’s going to be comments.

A bit like when you tell your child they can buy one thing from the toy if you really think they are being silly about their choice you direct them to something better. That’s what you Mil is doing. She’s being mum because she’s paying for everything.

You married your husband knowing this, you get to be a sahm because of her, not him. Frankly you where stupid to marry him if you couldn’t deal with the none life of the family you where marrying into.

I don’t think she owns you because she is CHOOSING to give you gifts. She might but unless she’s explicitly given those terms and conditions then don’t accept weird controlling behaviour.

also just coz she’s older doesn’t mean she’s expert- times are very different, situations are different. She was expert making decisions in her time and situation for her kids as she knew all the facts. U are for yours. Also she was only each age once, as you are, so same level of experience but yours is more current. Don’t lose yourself in this.

can you let it was over you with closed phrases like ‘hmmm, ah I see, oh interesting, good point’ then ignore it.
for the direct ones you need to shut it down eg sofa one ‘oh she’ll be fine anyway … change subject. Or ‘yeah we let her do that- don’t look then!’ And make husband be on same page.

good luck- I would say something nicely and ask my husband to support. But u won’t change her so I’d pick my essential battles and reduce info to her that she can comment on.

Count your blessings. You’ve been very lucky.

This. A roof over my head and the chance to sit at home all day? Believe memo have a cushier life than most.
Although I do admit if someone insulted my deceased gran's name I would be angry too.

I don’t think the examples you’ve given are that bad, I don’t know - maybe it’s my sense of humour.

Terrible attitude! So money equals being treated badly forever? No way

@danialan the holiday thing?! No more of that!!! You are not the hired help!! Why are they treating you like the nanny?! N ct time it comes up you say no because you leave me to parent alone. I want quality family time without your mother . And book a trip.

if he manages to persuade you to go one more time at the first sign of him doing that you say ‘no he needs to parent’. If he doesn’t help you get hen you need to make a fuss coz right now he’s acting like her companion not yours! You need to cut those apron strings! You have a DH issue.

With a pre nup, if the marriage goes tits up - and if DH won’t stand up to his mum it becomes a question of how long before this happens - OP has precisely nothing. She has no choice but to fall in line and accept MiL’s behaviour, or walk away. Sounds like MiL knew exactly what she was doing. Control bought and paid for.

There’s an old saying that goes something like “the borrower is a slave to the lender”. If you’re being supported with things like a house, a car, baby necessities, and holidays — there isn’t much to fund in life beyond food if those things are covered! — to the point that you don’t have to work to fund your lifestyle, then I think YABU to expect that she won’t want a say in said lifestyle.

If you want to be free of her involvement, I think you need to stop accepting the lifestyle subsidy.

This. But doubt OP wants to tbh. Sounds like quite a nice cushy life playing at grown ups without any of the grown up responsibility.

Kindly, OP, you sound young and spoiled and completely unaware of your extraordinary privilege. If you won't work, and thus build some independence and resilience, at least volunteer a couple of days with a charity so that you get a taste of what most ordinary people have to put up with. Sometimes you need a wider perspective to enable you to see how fortunate you are and how little things that wind you up matter. If you've got nothing serious or worrying going on in your life then you tend to make big things out of tiny things that the rest of us ordinary mortals would just laugh at.

Exactly. Hit the nail on the head.
So many bitter posters saying get back to work. Pure jealousy of the financial position. Loads of posters will have MIL like this who will have got sweet FA from them!
Does anyone on this thread honestly believe that MIL would be sweet as pie if the OP got a job and they both took no more handouts and paid for the house?
MIL would be like this money or no money!!

Why ? Because her MiL has bought control of their lives and feels entitled to say and do whatever she wants ? OP doesn’t actually have anything, depending on how enforceable the pre nup is, so given the strings attached I don’t see how she’s lucky.

Well you have money in your own right and I think in your position I’d speak to DH and say “Your mum is constantly undermining me and my parenting and has too much say in how we live our lives. I think the amount of financial support she gives us plays a big part in this. The kids are getting older and will pick up on those comments before too long so I suggest we give back the cars and we buy our house (from the sale of my current property) so we can be fully independent and the relationship with MIL can become a bit more balanced. We will also be setting a great example for the kids to encourage their own independence away from us when the time comes.”

It’s not an easy decision (who wouldn’t love a free house, free cars and holidays) but I think part of the problem is that your MIL doesn’t respect you or your DH. She’s treating you both as overgrown children and unless you make a decision to completely cut these financial ties, I can’t see it changing.

It does sound like you've taken/continue to take quite a lot of financial help from her, OP.

Maybe you could try and see her annoying behaviour as your job, because if it wasn't for her you might have to go and get one and not get to be at home with LO's.

Of course everyone wants to be respected by their MIL, and for their DH to speak up for them, but, well, most of our MILs didn't literally put the roof over our heads!

I think the problem comes down to the relationship between your husband and his mother.

In an ideal world as we grow we separate physically and emotionally from our care givers. Ideally we should reach that stage when we are adults. We should be able to decide to do or say something, and there is no hidden voice inside us that says ‘would mum/dad get cross, disapprove?”

Some types of parenting can make it very, very difficult for the sons or daughters of these parents to reach this stage, and in fact some never do.

I wonder if your DH is still stuck in thrall to his mother. He probably doesn’t want to be, maybe he doesn’t even recognise that he is. But if he finds it difficult to find his voice with her, to go against her wishes and feelings, then this may be the problem. It doesn’t mean he can’t be an adult with others, he’s just stuck in this dynamic of not wanting to ‘disappoint’ his mother.

I think all the conditions are there. An opinionated/strong minded mother, the youngest son, and then a lot of money.

Perhaps try and reframe it as not you against them, but you and him against her. Perhaps you could see it as your job to support him to get out from under her thumb?

Ive read somewhere that marriage counselling can be used to keep a good marriage on course. It’s not just there for when the marriage is on its last legs.

Just say

oh gosh do you think so?
oh my really it’s so good of you to let us know
oh gee thanks for telling me

then carry on doing what you’re doing, keep doing it your way.

you’ve acknowledged what she said, you’ve not disagreed and then done parenting your own way

it will frustrate the hell out of her

I never had any financial support from PIL however, they did make a few comments about our decisions over things (pre-children) which suggested we were young and naive (late 20s, married, home owners, good jobs) and I did say to MIL when you were my age you had 2 children to remind her of where she was in her life compared to ours. I am sure she would be pissed if someone suggested she was young and naive. I innocently asked if her MIL was involved with her decision making knowing full well she wasn't.

I think learning to either agree with everything she says or grey rock her because she is never not going to criticise you. It is just who she is. My Grandmother was like this and my Mum found the easiest way was just agree but do her own thing. It took the wind out of her sail every time she tried to belittle my Mum. It is how you deal with a narcissist.

I mean with all those freebies (house,cars,holidays and the opportunity to be a SAHM with your own home and savings) can you just not smile and agree and move on?!

I would be agreeing with her and say she is right, while continuing with my life😅

Just tell her to quit with too many comments or scolds, keep doing it.
You will not lose out, as the gifts will keep coming. That benefits you so why not.

MILs should be more careful. A dil is not your daughter. You will accept a completely plain speaking relationship with your own mother.

The comments mentioned are not that bad, she probably cares but cannot watch her mouth, pretty common, she should not make the comments, they are her personal opinion. I mean if you did a poll on MN regarding your child’s name sounding like a stadium in the UK, many would say it does. So what if mil thinks that?

Just tell her straight, we will come to the beach when it suits us etc . What’s the worst that will happen? If she doesn’t stop, so what. You have a nice life paid for by her. Plenty of ppl get mil comments with diddly squat in return.

Well, he sounded a drip anyway, but he’s gone down in my estimation yet further. He likes mummy buying him lovely toys, and will put up with her intrusion to get all his presents. Pathetic.