To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

[danialan]

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

Most of your complaints right now are about your MIL's comments and subtle undermining/influence over your DH, but I think you need to look two steps ahead and figure outfastwhat's going to be expected of you when/if your MIL needs care or extra help. Is it going to fall on you? And how do you feel about that?

LOL. Classic Mumsnet.

Her comments are standard annoying grandparent comments…. Annoying, but not pure evil…

Her generosity however is above anything I have ever heard off before and allows you a life style a lot of people dream off. (People who also have the comments from grandparents)

Weigh it up!

Girl, you are wearing golden handcuffs. Is it really worth it? You have no ownership of the house you live in. That's a big NOPE from me. Your marital assets are pre-nuped away from you and that makes you a nanny, housekeeper and chauffeur, for nothing more than room + board + really unpleasant "holidays."

I don't understand why you need your husband to tell her to stop. Why can't you? There's a reason she's feeling entitled to treat you like children; it's because you've not become independant from her, as she's bankrolling you. I'd love to heqar your BIL side of this story. I think she's behaving awfully, but you're an adult and you're allowing it. And soon, she'll be doing it to your children.

This, and I’d chose independence.

I never understand the comments that basically say “she pays, she can treat you as she wishes”. It’s nonsense - everyone is entitled to respect and not to be constantly belittled/berated by a MIL or anyone else. Since when was it acceptable to tout the line that if they pay you, they can abuse you?!

You’re stuck here- you’re in her pocket. This is your and your DH’s doing, unfortunately.

Cut the apron strings, finance your own lifestyles, and free yourselves from her nonsense. Your children are very young OP- this situation will only get worse as the years (and years, and years) go on. Is this honestly how you want to live? I could not live like this. There’s a lot to be said for standing on your own two feet.

No 2 is just a joke .... maybe if you aren't British the nuance is lost. ?

The rest is also converstion (irritating though..)

If he did leave you on the beach you have a dh problem. I think you have regardless. She sounds awful.

My MIL makes comments about my son that annoy me too. He fall over 9/10 out of ten I will leave him to it, but that 1 time I go to him because he looks to have hurt himself 'You'll spoil him' 'no wonder he plays up to you' etc

Just let it rinse over you. Yours does sound bad though. For the most part I love my MIL.

I think she does think she has control over you because of the financial help

Then he needs to grow a spine.

OP is getting a hard time here, IMO. There seems to be a lot of hostility towards the idea of accepting financial gifts, but I assume the MIL is a competent adult and does this voluntarily, rather than the OP and her DH having her over a barrel or forcing her in some way. And it is possible for families to give money without strings or expectations.

As for the OP not working, again, there's a lot of attacks here about that, but generally on MN people stand up for SAHMs.
I think saraclara has some excellent suggestions for shutting MIL down without being rude.

Happy to correct you.

A prenup is not legally enforceable in and of itself. However, if it is properly drawn up, both parties have had independent legal advice, neither party signed under duress and there has been full financial disclosure, the courts will follow it in any divorce settlement unless the result would be clearly unfair in the circumstances, e.g. there are children and the prenup does not make any provision for them.

Well there you go ,she's bought you
Her money will silence your DH ,and you by the sounds of it
Nothing in life is ever free without strings

If I understand correctly, amidst the derogatory comments that have headed your way here, is that you’d probably prefer if your DH drew a line in the sand/gave the house back/and the cars and allowed you both to stand on your own two feet? Perhaps buy a property together so that you have rights and a say - and then can push back entirely?

I may have missed any post that states what he earns/does, but the issue here sounds like it is your husband - does he not want to be his own man? If he’s happy to take handouts (and that prenup etc means that he’s deciding to keep you financially insecure, too), then he’s the one controlling you - and by default - requiring you to be gracious to his mother.

You are in a very vulnerable position should he ever decide to divorce you - and maybe that is how he likes it? You can’t afford to leave, really, can you?

If he loves you and your DDs, then it is worth talking to him and asking if you can rent the gift-house out, and move out into a place you both jointly own, where you have some security. And, yes, you may want to think about reigniting any past career and returning to work.

I disagree that accepting gifts from someone has to entail being treated like shit by them. It's not like it's a formal contract drawn up by the MIL - in exchange for this house and that holiday you have to let me make constant belittling comments.

But OP has to realise that she has agency here. You can't make her stop, and you can't make your husband say anything, but you can either say something yourself or choose to let the comments wash over you. There are a few options. Fight fire with fire and be snarky back. Or be icy and ask her whether she meant to be so rude. Or just practise a bland nothingy response and carry on doing what you want. Just because she says you have to take your kids to the park doesn't mean you have to do it, or take a blind bit of notice at all!

You can also opt out of the holidays because they sound most tiresome.

If she reacts to any of these pushbacks by withdrawing financial help, firstly that's her pressing the nuclear button and secondly it may be better for you in the long run anyway.

Arina is a lovely name btw and I'm sorry you didn't call your daughter that. That's an example of something you could have just gone ahead and done, never mind what she said.

I live like a child dependent on handouts and don't like the downside.. ...

You could always tell Dh he can either have your back and help stop her criticisms and undermining of you or you could move to your own house and he can visit if he is so attached to material things she uses to control him.
I'd also tell him that you and the kids will no longer go on her toxic holidays you would like to relax and not listen to all the things not done to her way or her standard.
He either wants a happy family with you or to be single and see them during visitation.
The kids will soon start to pick up on the comments and it is hard for a child to see/hear their parent being reprimanded and it won't do your/his relationship with them any good.

It is with my Mil and my previous lovely Mil. And my late dm. And so it is with me and dcs/friends and family. You should never give and expect anything I'm return. Or think it gives you power over someone

This whole thing is unhealthy.

As they say there’s no such thing as a free lunch
I think her finical involvement make her think she has some input

@MrsCarson has it right about the dcs. It's not good for them to think this is normal.

I don't like the big pile-on of OP re financial help. Most of us accept support of some kind or other from family. In my case it's physical help because they're not wealthy but it's help nonetheless.

OP, I think the best advice is to have a stock number of trite responses and otherwise let them roll off you. in my case it was a variety of 'is that right' and 'Oh yeah?' and then continue to parent exactly as before. Frankly, her giving out because you brought the kids to a museum is hysterical. Obviously theres no winning with her, so better to shrug it off and take some breaks from seeing her. Send your DH with the kids & do something else.

Ive seen hundreds of posts on here over the years about interfering Grandparents, you're not at all unique unfortunately. Your options are either to distance yourself (which you say your husband is reluctant to do) or to change your reaction to the comments.

Sorry I suspect you don’t want to hear this but if she is funding your choice to be a SAHM this isn’t going to change. I’d strongly advice maintaining some financial independence and stop accepting the handouts if you don’t like the strings

Clearly the house was gifted before they were married if there’s a pre nup in place. Regardless of that though, it’s not a reason to behave the way MiL does. It’s controlling.