To want my husband to say something about MIL's comments

[danialan]

DH is the youngest child of a very wealthy family, he has an older brother who isn’t as close to their mum as DH is, I suspect I know the reasons (see post below) but have no confirmation.

MIL will constantly make comments to us suggesting that if any decision is made that she disagrees with, it’s a stupid decision and only made by us because we’re young (I’m late 20s, DH mid-30s), inexperienced and probably not as smart as her (no one is!).
Example 1 - we went to Young V&A with our DDs and when MIL called early afternoon as we were on our way back in the car, we told her what we had been up to. MIL’s response was “you kept them indoors for half the day?!”, DH responds that actually the girls loved it, it was super interactive, we’ll send some pics when we get home. She goes “right, um, are you at least planning to take them to the park later today? They need fresh air! How sad for them to be in a stuffy museum”
Example 2 - we were planning to name after my grandma who died during my pregnancy, her name was Arina, and yes I’m from abroad. MIL wouldn’t stop with comments like “at least give it as a middle name… with Wembley as a first name hahaha” (for those from outside UK, Wembley Arena is a massive stadium). And “well she won’t thank you when she’s being bullied” or “and Pitch if he’s a boy, yeah?”
Example 3 - one of my daughters was climbing down from the sofa, she’s done this before successfully many times and I don’t think it’s great parenting to run up to your child any time they’re learning / practicing something and “helping” - they’ll never get the chance to learn or develop muscles! The whole time MIL kept saying “I don’t want to see this” “she’ll fall - do you not care?”
There’s more examples to give if needed but don’t want to make the initial post super long, I know it already will be!

DH doesn’t pressure me to do everything she comments on (although our daughter isn’t called Arina) but I can see that the comments make him upset or uncomfortable, I don’t know which. And in front of her he feels like he has to just do as she says, never stands up to her. For example in the sofa example he will lift her down instead of saying “it’s okay mum, she’s safe, she’s learning, it’s a low sofa and it’s stood on a carpet”, whereas at home he’d let her do it. Suddenly after the museum example he volunteered to take them both to the playground.

On the face of it, MIL loves her son (DH) and just wants what’s best for him, loves our 2 DDs and she wants what’s best for them too. She wants to see them lots and she just also has so much life experience that she can’t wait to share with us, all because, in case it’s not been mentioned, she wants what’s best for us. That’s DH’s interpretation and MIL’s reasoning if questioned about the comments or her overinvolvement.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut?

So tell DH that unless he pushes back more firmly you will explode at her - his choice, he either deals with it properly or you will.

My DH knows that there are lines that should not be crossed and if we were being criticised like this he would speak up for us and PIL would back down. He intervened swiftly and effectively to stop MiL trying to parent DS1 on holiday when he was 7 because we’d discussed previous overstepping.

Your whole relationship sounds fucked. He's a Mummy's boy who is looking at the ££ instead of both of your happiness. It seems like you can only have one or the other, because she ain't gonna change. So either he grows a pair and says something (which will inevitably result in no more gifts), or you put up with it and still be looked after financially. It is who she is. Which one do you both value more?

These aren't gifts she's giving, if she expects to control you in return. I would shine a light on this coercive behaviour by naming it. If you stand up to her and in response she threatens to withdraw any of this 'help' she's giving, then say innocently, 'ah I see you didn't really want to help, but just blackmail us into doing what you want, perhaps because you're a bit insecure about whether people really like you. We thought you were being amazing and we were very grateful when it looked like you were giving us such a huge amount of support out of the kindness of your heart. If you ever feel like doing that in the future we would be so appreciative but not to worry if you feel you can't.'
My mum was the same and I honestly think she had been controlled the same way and was just used to having to manipulate people. I called it out and after a long time she became a gentler person who gave help freely.
You don't have to do as she says at all. Just be yourself. Good luck!

This is the price you pay for being bought, even if it's your husband who took the money.
Both of you walk away, or count your blessings and keep your mouth shut. I think many of us would love your issues.

I think you should get a job so you can pay for the nice cars and holidays that your husband obviously so valued and then you won’t have to take them from his mother. At that point you will be much better placed to push back when she makes these comments- or you can holiday by yourselves so she wont be there at all to make these comments.

@TheShellBeach

Really? But you're married.
Assets can be ring fenced

Just stand up for yourself, op. She doesn't sound so bad, just interfering.
You need to tell her, no. Your way is fine, and that's the way it's going to be.
And you need to tell dh, if he leaves you to go to the child free beach, you won't be going on the holidays.

Your husband has everything he could want or need. You have everything you could want or need, with the addition of a mother in law who has bought you and therefore feels she has the right to dictate how you live, what you do and how you bring up your children.

You can choose to suck it up and keep the material benefits or you can choose to live in the house you bought with your inheritance and live on the remainder of that inheritance or get a job.

You aren’t going to change your MiL and you aren’t going to change your husband. Why would they change? They have everything they want.

It’s not going to stop. You said dh will accept gifts and financial support. I suggest just rolling your eyes and telling the kids everyone has different opinion's

Just laugh it off, the kids had a great time at the museum we're doing outdoorsy things tomorrow. Climbing on the sofa, isn't she getting good at climbing. Stupid decision maybe but we're young and can take a chance, think it will be fun, just throw it back 'nicely'. As you say she wants what's best for you all and she's very generous contradict her in a friendly jovial way and do it your way, 'yes I know, but I think I'll do it this way anyway' and don't let her get under your skin. I would have used the name I wanted, there are things you don't give way on. She can comment all she wants it doesn't have to mean you do what she thinks you should.

Lots of people have similar problems with DMs or DMILs that always know best (without the generosity usually) if you don't want to really fall out with them you have to play nice, but still do it your way.

Is the massive amount of financial support the reason why your husband lets her speak to you like that? He probably already knows she's call you both ungrateful and disrespectful.

I don't have any family wealthy enough to give me a free house but even if I did, I wouldn't accept it from certain people like fil and dh would never accept a penny from my father. Fil gives regular financial hell to two of his four children, dh and his other brothers decline because they know exactly what fil is like with his daughter and son. Financial help come with a lot of unspoken strings. As a result, the ones who accept the regular financial help seem closer to him, and we hear dhs brother moaning about fil allllll the time and fil moaning about his kids all the time.

They all criticise our decisions and think we make some stupid decisions, like fil offers to pay for us to go on expensive holidays with him because he thinks a week in the uk isn't a proper and he simply can't understand why we don't take him up on his offer like the other adult kids do. No thanks.

So I still get the criticism and shitty remarks about our choices but it's much much easier for dh to pull him up because there's no financial support he can use against us. I don't allow him to speak to me like I'm stupid for having different opinions to him. Dhs family do allow him to that.

Hes also fully expecting to move in with one of them and be cared for in his old age but has not communicated that to them and his health has started to decline and the expectation that the women do his errands for him is causing relationship tension in his adult kids marriages. He bought his son a cheap second car last year and now expects sil and his dd to do all his errands for him, he doesn't realise that sil is pretty full on with the kids and full time work and can't just be giving him lifts at the drop of a hat but he doesn't see it that way, he paid for the car and thinks the past they can do is help him have a life outside the house.

I know if I'd chosen to accept so much financial help there'd be an unspoken expectation to put up with shitty attitudes because I'd feel like that's how they want the gratitude for significantly helping with my financial security. Have you had a discussion with your husband about what will happen if she's like fil and expects to move in with you in her old age?

I think you and dh have allowed mil to have too much influence over your lives, hence her controlling ways and feeling entitled to act as you say.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays (which I actually hate because it’s 24/7 comments on every decision we make and how it’s wrong). However the financial support allows me not to work and be a SAHM which I’m of course grateful for and perhaps should keep my mouth shut

These things come with strings OP. You need to choose.

I'd be getting a job tbh. You're financially dependent on your bloke and his family.

To be fair, she's not actively controlling anything. She's just being irritating and giving unasked for advice.

@danialan

I second too i really like the name Ariana reminds me of Greek or Roman Goddess from ancient history or fables times

It sounds like she just has an incredibly annoying personality.

The financials have nothing to do with this.

I think you have to learn to be comfortable calling it out. Find your voice and say “I’m fed up with all the criticism, Barbara. Did your mother in law question every decision you made?” Etc.

I think a battle of wills is in order. You might have decades left of her in your life. You can choose to be quite a headstrong woman too.

House, car, luxury holidays in return for annoying commentary?

Smile and ignore.

To avoid a drip feed: she does financially help in the sense that she gifted DH a house in which we currently live and often gives nice “gifts” like a car, baby equipment, nice baby clothes etc and invites us on luxurious holidays 😂😂

Just enjoy the perks. She makes odd and rude comments but why care. Just stop caring. It's liberating and much easier than getting mad and holding grudges. It doesn't matter. Let your husband deal with her.

Also it's bratty to accept her holidays then bitch about her. Dont go if you don't won't to.

People that use money to control people are obnoxious but people who let people control them because of money aren't entirely innocent either.

I’d imagine the issue was less about the name, but if you are going to name a baby in honour of a family member MIL is of the opinion you name in honour of the one paying for the privilege

🤷🏻‍♀️ but you still choose to marry him and have kids with him. He hasn't changed.

This is definitely a case of “you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem”. The question is, is he going to stand up for you when it matters? And if not, how
much are you prepared to put up with?

You need marriage counselling and fast.

The money is a red herring.

“When we want your opinion we’ll ask for it, thank you”. And repeat..

Why are you driving to the young v and a?