Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

Yes unfortunately I think you've wasted your time. I'd move out and claim child maintenance.

YANBU at all. You would be royally screwed if you broke up. I would at the very least start a serious savings plan and make sure you are not financially contributing any more than is absolutely fair given both your outgoings. You shouldn't be contributing to the property at all as you'll have zero rights in it.

He doesn’t love you enough to ensure your and the children’s security if he’s not around. Sorry to be harsh but it’s true. Get out and feather your own nest.

This is why women should insist on marriage before having children.
Sorry OP that was very unhelpful.
I think you'd be better off leaving him and claiming CMS.

You want to marry for love - if he loved you, then he'd want you to have security...
Would you leave him in this situation, if it was reversed? Would you leave a partner with no financial stability? No.
He's being deliberately obtuse - there are plenty of ways to go about this yet he hasn't proposed any alternatives. It's cruel of him.

Just read the thread on here by the woman whose sister has been royally shafted having been dumped with the kids by a man she wasn't married to.

It's a huge wake up call to all the unmarrieds with kids... I'm currently single and it's given me shivers.

Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own

Bit of a contradiction there.

Yanbu to want marriage and end the relationship because he doesn’t want to marry.

He’s not unreasonable to not want a wedding but you’ve been together for 10 years so he should trust you by now. I hope that you haven’t invested in home improvements because he is the one who will be profiting from your money.

He’s not a good man and a good father. He isn’t looking out for the mother of his child and he doesn’t accept his partners older child.

Get organised and get out. Thankfully you have a job.

Hes a good man and a good father

Why do posts about shit men always contain this line?

There is no love or dignity in a relationship like this. Get your ducks in a row and end it.

I really feel for you.

If he wishes to hold on to his money, tell him to sell his house and pocket the money and then you buy a home together, which allows you to own half of a house and if you do seperate you will have built up some equity.

If he won’t do this I’m afraid I’d come to the conclusion that he doesn’t care about you or your future.

Can I ask if dc was planned? I got pregnant whilst on the pill. Dp told me to get rid or we were over.. So I made him leave my rented flat... Begrudgingly he came around. We had 2 more dc but his heart just wasn't in it. Bought a flat. His name only. I didn't work (3 dc and my dd under 7)..resentment just grew until his alcoholism drove me to leave.. With absolutely nothing..

He won me back and we got married.. Regretted it within a fortnight.
Ime leave him op. Claim cms and don't look back.. He has played you.

I’d ask what he’s actually offering compared to what you’re wanting. Include things like long term security, pension, feeling loved and appreciated.
But realistically, start preparing to move out and get your own place! This guy has shown how true colours!

He's not a good man or a good father.

Sorry to say but yes, you have been wasting your time.

Ring fence what you can and plan your escape.

I love some of these replies, thankyou for making me feel some sanity in this madness!!
Hes a good man in that he's entirely reliable and trustworthy - but I realise that's a massive contradiction in his actions!!
As someone suggested, I did suggest he sells up, invests his money and we buy together. This was met with "yes that's 1 idea, but stamp duty, legal costs, I don't want another mortgage" blah blah
Annoyingly I did want to marry before any children together, but I felt my age ticking loudly!!
It saddens me to break up a family and be a single parent again, but I've reached stale mate here 😭
Thankyou everyone x

This is incredibly sad. Yes our child was very much wanted and planned.
You are an incredible person and deserve so much more x

Oh he is old news... Doesn't see any of his dc... Ironically he met a woman who gained custody of her dgc so he is again stuck in a house full of dc!!

Can you stop contributing to household maintenance and buy your own property to rent out? Or sort your own financial security in some other way? His stance works if he doesn't expect you to contribute to his assets, in which you have no stake, so as long as you're free to put your own money away into a safety net for you and your DC, then that would work out and you needn't split.

Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.

To be fair, your older child has a father and it's not always appropriate for step-dads/mum's DP's to treat the older DC as their own. Unless you mean he's being actively unfair/abusive to your older DS in which case I'd assume you'd leave him anyway.

He doesn't want you to be stable, just himself. Stop I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence and save a deposit. Buy you'r own place.

My older childs father died before birth. I acknowledge it's hard to accept a 10 year old step child, but they are no trouble!
Hes not mean or anything, just massively favours his own child over most things.... It causes hurt to my older child.
I've been in self preservation mode a while so I do have some savings of my own x

Agree with other posters, if marriage is really important to you then it is time to leave.

If you don’t feel able/willing to leave then at the very least start saving up a pot of your own money so that it/when things go pear shaped you have money there to support yourself and your children. As another recent thread shows how easily you can end up with nothing at all if unmarried, I’d be trying to protect yourself against that if you choose to stay with him just incase.

Honestly I’d be really hurt by his comments about women getting everything in divorce & not wanting to share/lose the home… women go through a lot to have babies and give up a lot to raise babies, I can’t believe any man who truly loves the mother of his child would want to do anything other than support her and share his life with her, after all she has shared her body to bring their child into the world! I’m currently expecting our first child and I genuinely can’t imagine my husband ever behaving in this way

"It causes hurt to my older child."

He's not a good man. Please be a good mum and get your poor child away from this damaging relationship.

How old is your older child?

Not that it really makes much of a difference as you had a child already when you met this absolute prince of a man, so you were kind of a package deal?