Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

Both children will be damaged by this. The older one and the younger 'golden' child. I feel sorry for them both, what a horrible set of circumstances that's been foisted on them.

Hate posts like this because my child’s father didn’t want to marry me . Just wanted security for himself . End this op . Best of luck to you.

Get the F out, OP.
Give him the shock.
It's not too late to start a new life for you and your children.
💝

This doesn’t sound like a relationship that is good for your older child, so you really shouldn’t be in it. Surely you value your child over any man, especially one that clearly doesn’t want to marry you.

Apart from the treatment of your older child (which is by far the most important thing) I don’t think your partners position is unreasonable. It’s sensible for him to protect his own assets from the effects of divorce, just as it would be for any woman in his position. He doesn’t owe you financial security at the expense of his own.

Could you afford to live independently?

There is nothing good about this man, and, respectfully @Charlotte778 , you are in denial.

OP, I think you have to be very firm & clear with him. You explain that you cannot live with the insecurity anymore and you need to make a decision. There are a few choices here.

1. He lets you buy half of your current home, as long as you earn similar amounts and share childcare & chores equally
2. He sells his current home and you buy a new home together.
3. You move out, take the dcs with you, start again and claim CM.
4. He stops fannying around and marries the mother of his child, who he claims to love.

BUT he has to accept that you and BOTH your dcs come as a package and if he can't do that, then you have to walk away, for the good of your child.

In the end, you deserve better, and he needs to understand that.

@Charlotte778 if you’ve not seen it already, I suggest you find and read the post about the DP of 20 years, 3 kids, left her for another woman and is currently sunning himself on a beach somewhere while woman and kids having his property sold from under their feet.

Well, some "mothers" do worse still....

So you want to feel loved and secure.

Shame you didn't afford the same for your eldest child.

This is true, although this OP is not as daft as that one - she has her own financial security blanket, and has actually done some work over the last decade or two, so she can walk out with her head held high and not rely on hand outs. And she also sounds like a mature, dignified woman rather than a hysterical twat!

Leave with your children OP. He sounds awful.

Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.

He is NOT a good man and a good father. A good father does not treat the mother of their child like shit.

He's not mean or anything, just massively favours his own child over most things.... It causes hurt to my older child.

A good man would never treat a child like this, especially when he is the only father your first child has ever known.

He's not mean or anything, just massively favours his own child over most things.... It causes hurt to my older child
Wake up OP, you say he's not mean, and with the next breath you describe him being cruel to your son.
Please wake up!

I wouldn't be contributing to the household anymore past food etc as you're just feathering his best. I'd buy my own property, lease out or whatever but he can't have it 2 ways. Tbh id probably leave based in the unfair treatment of kids alone

Did you see a thread earlier this week? Virtually identical situation, but chap had thrown the female partner out and put house on market. I think she (distraught) was staying with her sister. Has rights to child maintenance but nothing else. In mumsnet parlance, LTB sad tho' it is. His loss.

I don’t think I could love a man who acted like this towards a child. Nor one who didn’t want to marry me in order to, Gollum-like, keep his house his, all his. Sorry OP, but I think you know what you’ve got to do.

I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important
You assume that he is a decent, family oriented person, like you are. You likely feel that if you could just find the right words he would see the light and realise, and then he'd be on the same page as you.
You are deluded (Im sorry, I dont mean to insult you- I have also been in the deluded seat!) He has always had his sights locked firmly onto what is important to him, feathering his own nest and making sure he is in complete control so that he gets all the benefits of of his .... his association with you.

You are not his partner, you are merely one of the feathers in his nest. He is not capable of treating you like an equal, he can only dominate & exploit.

This man isn’t a good man or a good father, if he doesn’t except your older child as his own. Surely any decent man would do that, knowing that his father had died before birth.

I think you should try and get your finances ready with the aim to leave this man.

OP, my child's father (my first husband) died when our child was two. The man I subsequently married (child was 7) immediately initiated adoption proceedings, without my asking him. That's one way things could have gone with you and your partner.

I had a lot more wealth than my second husband, because my first DH and I had bought London property in the nineties, when it was cheap, had held it and added value, and the market did the rest. I had a decent pension and investments. I was happy to marry and share all I had with my second husband and in the subsequent 15 or so years he has also built his career, income and assets, and now we have a bigger pot to share. That's another way things could have gone with you and your partner.

Look hard at your finances: pension, cash savings, investments, capacity to earn more. Stop paying money into the maintenance and improvement of a house that your partner doesn't want to share. Feather your own nest and when the time is right, move on with your two, equally-loved children and claim child support. Seriously, make finances and budgets your hobby and consuming passion from this point on. No need to rock the boat with more talk of marriage, he doesn't want to and probably nor do you by now.

Save your child and yourself from this poor quality man. He’s a sack of shit.

Just out of interest, how are costs split? Does he contribute anything to the kids? What do you pay each month?

Leave, build your own life away from that poisonous twat. He’s been in the life of your eldest child for the whole of it and he treats him like shit. That’s not ok.

No loving mother would want to marry him!

This man is not a good man or a good father. He is treating his child’s half sibling in an emotionally neglectful way. Therefore, he is harming his own child as well as the older one that he seems not to care much about! By remaining with him, you are complicit in this and both children are witnessing it and it’s harmful.

I can't wrap my head around this. His behaviour hurts your son, but you want him to marry you and make that hurtful situation permanent? If you can't do what's best for your son and leave, at least get him into therapy like PPs have said.

Agreed! Your poor older child. It’s not fair favouring one child above the other all the time in the same household.

What happens if you die first, OP?

Presumably, the golden child remains under the care of his father (via the proxy day-to-day care of his new live-in housekeeper/shag) and your first child is where exactly?

I think insisting on marriage is old fashioned tbh, but yes you need more financial security. If he’s unwilling to sell and buy a new place together, would it be possible to buy into his place?