Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

I have a friend who was with a man like this for 12 years . They had loads of issues he kicked her out and she had nothing . She lived with her mum for a while but is now homeless . Their daughter lives with the dad still 😭 she is broken 😡

she paid the bills to ran the house etc but he would never put her on the mortgage

This is so sad to me. Why would he not accept your older child? That is a red flag immediately. Why wouldn't anyone want a child to feel safe, loved and accepted? Especially one who has lost a parent.

It's not hard in the slightest to accept a ten year old. My DP and I have nearly adult children each. They are all part of the deal and our plans include all of them.

Oh my gosh, that's such a good point!

I don’t blame him for hanging on to his assets, however he should be supporting you in building up your own assets too.

Not harsh enough to be honest, your oldest child is a second class citizen in their own house.

Yeah I was reading that yesterday, she owned the property jointly though

Leave him now.

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years.
Experience is never wasted, but he's made it clear he doesn't want more than you have now.
We have a child together
You have the benefit of a second child.
I have an older child from a previous relationship... [he] doesn't accept my older child as his own.
What were you thinking to put your child in that position? For nine years?
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Too soon. Foolhardy and cruel to the child you already had.
Hes a good man
He really isn't.
and a good father,
To his own child? What about your older child that he 'doesn't accept'?
The main issue is him denying marrying me
The main issue is you not caring enough about your first child to protect them from the misery of living with someone who doesn't really want them there.
The main issue is him denying marrying me
You want to marry a man who doesn't accept your older child? What on earth are you thinking?
it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off.
Why should he? Would you? He's seen your [lack of] commitment to your older child, why should he trust you?
He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
Why do you want to be with him?
I want to marry for love and our future...
Your error was made long ago. This is too far gone to rectify.
So now I have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards.
And you have an older child growing up who knows you put this man above them.
This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
Oh dear.
I don't want his house,
That's just as well, you won't be getting it.
I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
Your first child wants their mother to make them feel loved and secure, or did, before being compelled to live for nine years with a man who 'doesn't accept them as his own'. Goodness knows where your child stands, mentally and emotionally, after all that.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Well, you'd have been a fool to depend on him.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Oh yes.
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
Well, yes. And get your first child significant amounts of supportive therapy.
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
He thinks feathering his nest is the important thing. Not you.
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?
If you've given an accurate representation of an actual situation, I hope you will see the error of your ways and do all you can to repair any damage done to your first child as a result of your poor decisions.
You might also want to explore, with a specialist in narcissism, whether perhaps you have some characteristics that fit with that profile.

My heart breaks for your child.

So you've chose a man over your child. Why on earth have you been in a relationship with a man for 10 years had a planned baby with him when he treats your own son like that. Your poor kid. Did you not think at any point my son deserves better and that its more important to put his needs and happiness above your own.

There is no nice way to put this but this was a conversation that you should have had prior to moving in.

I do not think it is unreasonable for people to want to hold onto assets that they have, especially as house prices are out of control and relationships are no longer guaranteed to last for life. You know where he stands on this issue and the best you can do is look out for your own financial self.

Does he have a will and is the DC you have together named in the will?
Do you have a will? Have you named a guardian for your oldest child?
Do you have a pension? Who have you named as beneficiary?
Ensure that people know you have a will and file it so that if the worst should happen your partner does not dictate you finances.
How are things financed right now? I suggest you get your own bank account/savings account and put some money away each month just in case.

There are so many stories on Mumsnet from men that have left women in dire financial positions, even if they are married. Women have got to go into relationships with their eyes open instead of the fantasy that a man will provide for you.

This is exactly the thread that came to mind, left destitute with kids to provide for and not a penny to her name and no legal rights, please read this thread! He doesn’t love you enough to make your life secure, is looking ahead to your breakup where he is protecting his assets already! Can you buy a flat as an ‘investment’ for yourself?

Could you buy a small btl so you have some
security

He loves his house more than he loves you.

LTB.

Omg he sounds very selfish.

He favours his child and hurts a 10 year old.

He won't offer you any stability or security despite you growing and caring for his child.

Who the hell does he think he is??

Why are you enabling this shit head?

Move on and do better op xxxx

It's not just splitting up, has he named you in his will to inherit or are you named on any life insurance? It sounds very morbid but I had a horrid situation at work (HR) where a man hadn't named his partner on his pensions and the occupational life insurance they offered and had left his ex wife and mother of 1st child on all the paperwork. He suddenyl died, current partner and their 2 children stood to get none of that money (this was hundreds of thousands) it all went to ex wife. Had they been married it's easier to stake your claim and argue the issue. It gives you zero security and rights. I'd set yourself up with some personal financial security and give him an ultimatum, he also doesn't sound very loving or kind leaving you this worried about it and knowing it's important to you.

How cruel to favour his own child so explicitly. Time to move on for your children’s sake.

The posts to just leave are not helpful.

OP would need to house herself and her 2 children. She is better off getting a job if she does not have one and diverting most of her funds to her savings or a deposit for another home for her pension or if she wants to leave.

OP chose to have a child with him without being married. If the house is just in his name or he paid for it, I do not blame him for wanting to keep the status quo. OP should have discussed it all at the start and had her contributions to a mortgage recognised as tenants in common, even a lesser stake is security and you are not necessarily entitled to half just because you live in a house. You get out what you put in and that applies to men and women.

Of course a parent favours their bio child, it is human instinct! It is literally why we are in the planet. That does not mean he should be mean to the older child. Op ought to make sure if she dies, the older child has provision, no Will in favour of her partner. Goes to both dc equally.

He won't accept the other child, that's not a good father! You've wasted your time.

Leaving is helpful. The older child is being emotionally harmed in the home. It has to be a priority.

He’s not a good man
he doesn’t accept your child as his own and never will

no idea why you stay and have a child with someone who is this openly horrible your own child

your supposed to protect your kids not let a partner emotionally abuse them

Mumsnet is mad, I posted about having £75k to contribute towards my partners home k shared and that we were planning on getting married and get told don’t do it, keep your money in case you ever split up. Yet here is a post of nearly the opposite situation and you are being told to leave because he won’t marry you because you might gain financially

You are responsible for your own financial security not a man

If he didn't commit back then why would he now? You knew that and had another child?

You need to stand on your own two feet and be the grown up you are

A good man wouldn’t behave as he has. You deserve better.

News flash, if you can prove you've been contributing to family life...you have a child with him you could still argue in court that you've loved as many and wife, in the UK. You would possibly entitled to something from the house. If you didn't have a child it would've favoured him more. I'm in a blended family situation and my husband would never see my son any different from our biological son together. And my son's dad is in his life! A whole ago I floated the question to him if my son was happier with his bio dad should we let him stay there and he said he'll no, we know his bio dad is a loser and kids don't see that in their parents and definitely not in their dad's but why would we do that to "our child" . He doesn't claim to be my son's dad and Def doesn't want dad role but in his heart my son is his too. I get emotional just thinking about it.

So your partner is the only father figure your eldest has/has ever had and yet he isn’t accepting or equally loving despite him not having a biological father living, having never even met him? That is absolutely shocking behaviour of him and can only be incredibly distressing for your eldest- they won’t be oblivious to geh favouritism

Thankyou all for your advice...
Just to clarify, my eldest is not suffering in any way because they are a fantastic, well rounded adult now in a full time job! They were almost a teenager when I met my fiance (yes we had planned and booked a wedding that got cancelled due to covid... Then never rearranged) My eldest is my absolute no 1 priority and has always has been! It's a different dynamic when you have a baby and a stroppy teenager, there will always be differences in how they are treated because of the sheer age gap. He might have not accepted the 'stroppy teenager' as his own flesh and blood, and I'm not sure I blame him given the way they speak to him sometimes!!! But he has been very good to them over the years!! And my eldest is actually his biggest cheerleader! I resent the fact I'm being called an unfit parent. This is NOT an abusive relationship in any way, and my children are both loved.
We have a very comfortable life, and I'm not naive... We do own a small BTL together to help with our pensions....
The only issue I genuinely had, is that I wanted to own a home together, and be married like our parents who have clocked up 100 years between them!!
I'm an old romantic, that's all.