Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

Bit too late now as she has been with the man who doesn't accept her older child for a decade!!

You'd probably find your threat to move out and move on will either get you what you want or sadly show you that you're wasting your time x

The most important thing is that you don't continue to waste your time x

Reliable and trustworthy should be basic requirements of a partner, not something that makes them a good parent! It doesn’t sound like he’s reliable or trustworthy anyway. He’s not a good parent if he doesn’t accept your existing DC as his own.

Sorry but by having the child before marriage the horse has bolted a bit. I wouldn’t be wasting anymore of my time on him. Why are you paying for everything for the children? If you split with him you can at least try and get some maintenance payment.

Sadly, he is showing no love, care or consideration for you. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Just move on now and don’t waste anymore time.

Imagine his shock when you walk away. Jar dropping!

Very sorry about your older son's father. That's horrible about your DP causing hurt to your 10yo. It's one thing not stepping in as father, not all men can do that, but to massively favour his own child is damaging for your other son and much worse than the financial issue. That would be a dealbreaker for me. I couldn't bring my son up in a home where he was being treated so unfairly.

Sorry but I think that, alongside the marriage issue, means he's not a good man at all and you need to separate for the good of you and your children, who both need you to look out for them, not this guy who only gives a shit about his own progeny while you and your other son are expendable.

Jaw*

You do realise that upset he causes your child will also cause your child to have so many issues later in life? Do you realise just how damaging your partner's behaviour is? Why aren't YOU being a good parent and protecting your son? Throw away those blinkers, get yourself and your children out of there and demonstrate to your son that he matters.

This x 1000.

i am in same position OP. It’s heartbreaking to realise that they don’t love you enough to want to make you feel secure… I have said I am leaving and I hoped it would make him think twice. It hasn’t ….

good luck to you. We are worth more that this

Also if your older son is 10 and you've been with this guy 10 years, he's been in the elder DS's life practically all his life and you've been living together for 9 years. For him to not treat him as his own in this scenario is very troubling. From your initial OP, I thought he'd come into your boy's life much later and that there was a bio father around, but with your update, it's very different and quite shocking that it's gone on this way for so long. He would have absolutely married you before you had your DS together if he was really a good man and gave a shit about you and your DC.

It wouldn't be breaking up a family, just dumping your shit boyfriend and putting your kids first. If the man is so wonderful he'll presumably be parenting his kid even when he gets dumped.
Secure housing for yourself, never accept such open contempt from any future boyfriends.

So you're warming his bed, raising his child plus yours, doubtless carrying much of the domestic and mental load, holding down a job, helping to pay for his lifestyle choices and accepting his decisions on your life (and child, who is regarded as the cuckoo in the nest fgs).

What's in it for you exactly??

I would have left him for this, never mind all the other red flags.
Claw back some financial security anyway you can now. At least give yourself the option to leave.

Also, your child should already be having therapy for the death of their father, and for the trauma you and the boyfriend have chosen to inflict on him of being unwanted by your bloke, and the half sibling being favoured.

You.must, must start protecting yourself financially.

If tomorrow he ended the relationship and threw you out the house (which he could easily do) could you financially pick.yourself up and easily continue supporting yourself and your children?

If not, you really need to prioritise this.

You have to have savings and a pension
Some people gave suggested buying your own property, which is another good idea.

I know it's tough at the moment financially for all of us. And with 2 children there is always something they need.
But I can't stress this enough, you are in a vulnerable position and you must start thinking of yourself.

The first thing i would is not contribute to mortgage, DIy, upkeep of the house.
He can't argue with you about this because he has made it very clear this is his asset and he is protecting it.

Which is fine
But you have to do the same. You need assets too.

And he is a real selfish dick if he doesn't understand this.

Critically look at your finances and start savings and pension if you haven't done so already.
Even if its £50 a month.
In the long term, should he end the relationship, this money will be your life saver.

At the moment, it's all sweetness and great. But as we've seen many many times, things can end up badly.
And the only person who will be in a shitty position is you.

I hope it doesn't happen, but you need to start thinking what you would do should the relationship end.

As someone else said above you should read the thread Affair and Penniless - it's an eye opener for sure about not being married and having children with someone and what happens if the situation changes.

Um....this is a bit harsh don't you think?

To your child-absolutely, yes. Have you never looked up the damage this causes? Being unwanted in your own home as a kid is brutal, and after his dad died, too?
Prioritise your kids.
I speak from experience of childhood trauma thanks to adults poor choices.

For your child's sake, please get out of this relationship. You will be better off without him.

☝️ All of this.

Can you start planning financially for moving out? You don't necessarily have to end the relationship (although I probably would) but you do need to start investing in a house for your future.

Another voice for your financial independence.

Also no way would I be with someone who treats my kid as second class, that is absolutely disgusting.

He is not a good man or a good father. If he was either he would want security for his child and the mother of his child.

You need to leave him and set up your own life. He’s an absolute pig.

You can’t expect someone to consider someone else’s child their own. If that was important to you it was your responsibility to prioritize that when it came to looking for a partner. It isn’t something you can just assume will happen.

He may not be a good person, but you have to take responsibility for the decisions you have made here. You chose to move in and have a child with him knowing his feelings in regard to your eldest, and without the security of marriage. Now you have to decide what you’re going to do, and if you’re going to remove yourself from this situation.

So your eldest doesn't have a father at all, yet the man you have had a second child with doesn't treat them the same..

I feel so sorry for your elder child. I do understand the blended-family-mess that happens where there are other parents present and involved. But your first born doesn't have any of that and is still treated as second class.

This is heartbreaking. I couldn't be with such a man. How you can call him a good father and husband is baffling.

Get out of this set up.

I'm sorry OP but it's not. This kind of thing causes massive damage to children.