Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

OP i really feel for you and i hope all works out for you.

Why oh why do women allow this to happen to them? No ring, No children. that should be the basis of every relationship.

I'm sorry you have found this out so far into your relationship, must have been a shock. I wouldn't leave immediately but I'd definitely make sure you are financially covered for when you do. Or to support a rental to get income/nest egg if you stay.

So if you're not already, I'd start working and contributing to a pension. I'd squirrel money away for a deposit for a property for you and your children.

Great advice from others on here as well. Good luck!

What about a compromise? You're both right. He could easily lose half of all his assets in a divorce, but you could easily end up with nothing if he leaves now.

You're worried about security should you leave, but I presume as you've been together for ten years, he has been taking care of you well so far.

So why not ask for a contingency account? He pays in some money (equivalent to say, standard childcare allowances) into an account you've set up, so that you have money in the event of a breakup. This covers you, but is not 'half a house-worth' in his eyes.

I disagree - it's not hard to accept - if you want to try and understand what a child's ever changing needs are and if you want to try and meet them - you do that if you unconditionally love children and love the idea of being a real and present all-encompassing father - I would have no problem with this - it would be a privilege for plenty of like minded men to have the opportunity to step into that role. Why is he so selfish, damaged and unwilling to truly commit to you and the people you care about most?

Whenever i see this I know what's coming.

Getting Married but already living in my house | Mumsnet

Very similar situation where roles are reversed. Everyone's aligned re "don't get married". In that case it's even better as the party with no assets doesn't bring step child into play.
Why advice to woman is so different???

OP, why do you believe he will love you more after marriage? or is this a nice masking of financial transaction instead?

My older childs father died before birth. I acknowledge it's hard to accept a 10 year old step child, but they are no trouble!
Hes not mean or anything, just massively favours his own child over most things.... It causes hurt to my older child

Why are you suggesting he is a good father. This is the man BOTH of your children live with.

Do you actually buy everything for the kids?

What else do you pay for?

You do have options here. Put as much of your own money aside. Plan for your own future should you ever want to leave.

im not sure leaving is the only answer as that would impact both kids. But you can settle for this as many do - but focus has to be your financial security

Do you both have a will? What does his say?

When you ask where you and your child would live if he suddenly died, what does he say?

I do agree that it is personal choice if someone wants to get married or not and no one should feel forced into it. And also, if these feelings were clear when you first met, moved into together or before children then you should have cut your losses then.

However, any decent person in his/your position would agree to marry to ensure the financial security of each other and your kids. Even if he does not want a wedding and all the faff, he should be willing to do what is required to make sure you are equal partners in the relationship.

The bottom line is he doesn’t want to and even though he knows it is extremely important to you, is not willing to concede or compromise. He has left you in a precarious position and he doesn’t give a shit.

Take it as a clear sign that he will never see you as an equal and has no intention of treating you like one.

I don't think he is a good man, but be honest, this is about money. You call it security but it's money. I assume you would be in trouble without this man otherwise you would not have tolerated for as long as you have.

Did you not read where OPs boyfriend massively favours his own kid and causes hurt to OPs already bereaved child? This toxic dynamic causes lifelong damage to a kid made to live in a house with it.
Her eldest child needs prioritised by not being made to live with this 'good man'.

I couldn't accept this - what a horrible way to treat a child. I think you should leave, if only for your eldest child's sake. Your partner sounds like a selfish tosser!

Did you miss the fact that they have a child together? That alone is enough reason for assets to be joint after 10 years. But Op also pays her way, pays for everything for the kids and contributes to house maintenance.
Truly this man is a prince among men.

Sorry OP but that's disgraceful - you as well as him. Your main issue is that he won't marry you? Not that he won't accept your oldest as his own when you've moved your children in with him? Yuck.

Mothers don't do this to their children, they really, really don't.

@Charlotte778 you've done yourself a massive dis-service here.

For 10 years you've been his shag, maid, household manager and childcare while his career and pension pot got better and better to the detriment of your own.

Now, 10 years down the line he won't commit, won't give you any financial security AND he's never accepted child 1?

NOPE. He's getting it all and you've been an utter doormat. Can't you see that?

If you choose to stay, stop contributing in any way financially. He pays 100% for everything. This isn't a partnership.

You put your money towards a new mortgage on a property that can either be your safety net or an investment for your retirement.

He doesn't want a wife then he has to pay for the Housekeeper he's made of you!

My older childs father died before birth. I acknowledge it's hard to accept a 10 year old step child, but they are no trouble!
Hes not mean or anything, just massively favours his own child over most things.... It causes hurt to my older child.
I've been in self preservation mode a while so I do have some savings of my own x

^ this alone is enough reason to leave this man, YOUR child is hurting, regularly by the sounds of things.

It's not hard for the right person to accept a step child, I have 3 children. Age 22, 17 and 13. I met my DP 4 years ago and he's accepted them with no issues,

It’s a bit harsh but to be honest the bones are right. Your older child is being brought up in a house where he is not as loved as his sibling.

It’s extremely sad and it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Oh my god
Why would you even want to marry such an abusive man
Your poor poor eldest child
He's been there the whole time your child has been alive ,he is your child's only father he has ever known
Op can you not see how desperately sad and abusive that is ?
I don't think you do , understand the damage this will be doing to your child ,while your on here complaining he won't marry you ...my god woman ..
Your priorities are screwed up

100% agree with this, imagine being that child whose father has died and who is now being treated poorly by this man.

Poor kid

If I were you, I'd either:

1. Leave him and live your life with your two children with your own indepence.
2. Stay with him (at least for now), but buy yourself a property, you can let it out in the meantime, so it's an investment, and also a home for you, should you ever split up.

Very similar?

They have a child together.

Both not accepting my child and refusing to marry would both be deal breakers for me. What are yours?

This comment alone about how your partner treats your older, fatherless child should tell you all you need to know about him. Leave.