Won't marry or commit financially

[Charlotte778]

My partner and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a child together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
I moved into his home after a year of dating.
Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.
When I get down to the nitty gritty, it's purely financial. He doesn't want to share or lose the home he has bought and paid off. He makes silly excuses like he doesn't want a party with a load of my family he barely knows etc. He shouts that women get everything in a divorce!!!
I've offered to sign a contract, a pre nup or whatever, but he gets angry and defensive about it. I want to marry for love and our future...
So nowI have no husband and zero financial security and he holds all the cards. This attitude has caused me so much unhappiness and it's changed how I feel about him.
I don't want his house, I want the father of my child to want me to feel loved and secure.
I work hard and earn a decent income. I buy everything for the kids and contribute to household maintenence.
Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Should I move on with my life as marriage is something I've always wanted and now I'm in my late forties....
I feel he's busy feathering his own nest and lost sight of what is actually important....
AIBU? Should I just be grateful for my family?

Your DP is not a good father if he can treat your older child as an afterthought most of the time. Its not exactly a normal situation where your child already has a father of their own they have literally never had a chance to have any relationship with their own dad and your DP, knowing this, doesnt want much to do with them? No wonder your child is hurt. That alone would be enough for me to bin that off!

Why would you be with a man who visibly doesn't love your child?
How could you love a man who feels this way?

Have I wasted 10 years auditioning for a role he was never going to give me?
Yes.
Chalk it up and move on. This realisation will be a blessing disguise if you let it.

ISN'T it?

Yes, they do have child together, but he seems to be a good dad to his own child and will be happy to provide for them in case of divorce.

I do completely agree that real issue is how he's treating the eldest, not the marriage.

I did. But it’s very easy to say LTB but reality is op does have a child with him (and one who views him as a dad)

There was a thread last week where a woman is being left by her partner after 20 years. She did all the childcare and housework whilst he built his career and pension and it was all for nothing.

Better to cut your losses after 10 years than still be here after 20 years.

Yup - flogging a dead horse. Sadly it’s time to move on. Make sure he pays child support and you get half of everything.

In terms of his refusal to marry, I can’t see that he’s done much wrong tbh. You haven’t said he’s promised marriage and then changed his mind, he’s not dangling a carrot, he appears to have been quite clear and it was your choice to have a child with him knowing this.

He provided a ready made home to move into for your and your child, did you move in with no savings, nothing of your own? What about the house you left to move into his?

You pay towards household maintenance and the kids, and you say you earn decent money. What’s stopping you buying a separate property of your own and renting it out?

The emotional damage being done to your older child is a whole different matter and one you don’t seem arsed about, which makes me think this probably is more about finances.

I'm assuming you knew this upfront when you started the relationship? If he is a nice person in every other way and you love each other don't listen to these crazy people telling you to leave the relationship. He hasn't lied to you about it and is being honest about how he feels. If you don't care about money then what's the issue? Make sure you have separate bank accounts and good paper trails of who pays what should the worst happen. Also ...no offence but why should he accept your son as his if he isn't?

He sounds cold as fuck. Cant accept a kid he has lived with for 9 years as his own? Cant accept the mother of his own child wanting 'some' financial security from him along with a small hint of showing his love for you.

Time to weigh up whether you can afford to be in the same position in 10 or 20 years time.

Yes, I’ve read that one. Had plenty of women comment over the years that marriage is old fashioned etc but I would never have had DC without being married. We were very clearly taught at school that there is no such thing as a common law marriage.

Hes a good man and a good father, but doesn't accept my older child as his own.
The main issue is him denying marrying me.

Actually that isn't the main issue.

I've only read p1, but you deserve so much better than this, @Charlotte778 . This is not a good or kind man or father...he is not facilitating basic security for his family and you are rightly unhappy about that. I would be too. After 10 years, he knows you well enough and you've waited long enough. Release yourself from this fool and, if you like, find a better man more worthy of your love and commitment 🌷

It's sad for you but I can't blame him for not marrying you. As he would lose his house in the event you split up. I don't think pre nuptials are binding in this country. Not sure what the answer is. Can you afford your own house. It can't be nice for your older child if your partner doesnt accept him.

'Women get everything in a divorce!'

He meanwhile gets a sex partner, a cook, a cleaner, and a child out of the current arrangement, and very likely a financial contribution to the lifestyle he enjoys.

Fuck that.

You are living with a man who hates women.

Make plans to leave. He's using you and offering you nothing.

And your older child has probably noticed how he or she is seen.

exactly my point but expressed beautifully

You are kidding, right?

This sickens me. OP had absolutely NO business having a child with a man who would not accept the child she already has. None whatsoever.

Marriage aside, OP is putting herself first and no decent parent does this. Not one.

Because whose career will take the inevitable hit when a baby is added to the mix? The unencumbered financial investment in real property is crucial for her own security.

The man in the current thread has had uninterrupted prosperity despite having a child of his own and another dependent child under his roof.

It would be a deal breaker if my DP didn't accept my child from a previous marriage especially if their parent was dead.

Yes you have wasted 10 years, start being selfish/sensible and putting money away into your pension, save to buy a rental property. You are in a vulnerable position and need to take control and ownership of your own future.

The advice may be hard to stomach, but it's sound.

Children are not oblivious to the treatment they receive, particularly when there is an ongoing clear comparison with a half-sibling.

I’ve had a little cry at this. When I look at my beautiful boy, I cannot comprehend falling in love with a man (let alone wishing to marry them!)who treated him in that way. You put this arsehole before your son and that is unforgivable.

Op, he doesn’t love you. He isn’t a good man. And you are still prioritising him over your eldest child.

Frustrating to read these sorts of posts. You cannot be financially beholden to someone else to your own risk and detriment ffs. It simply will not end well and you will be utterly fucked and left with nothing. Minimise any contribution and save as much money as you can for yourself. I’d also look into whether you have any claim on the current house. It is imperative that you gain your own financial independence. And you should not be allowing your eldest to grow up in this environment. I cant understand mums who do this. I would never put a man before my child. Especially one who held me in such low regard.
🤯

It sounds harsh, but actually that's good advice. Your older son will need some therapy asap for the damage done due to favoritism.

I'm sure that's uncomfortable to hear, so genuinely sorry however I agree with this poster.