AIBU DP Won’t Create A Steady Childcare Routine.

[YourArtfulPlayer]

DP and I have been together nearly 3yrs, lived together for a year. DP has 2 DDs one at school and one at Uni. I’m Childfree. DP works shifts which can be day or night and he will work a block of time of long hours then have a block of time off. I have my own business.

Every time my DP is off work, we have his youngest DD. He will do the school runs and she will stay at ours. However, this can be unpredictable as sometimes she wants to stay at DMs home for various reasons - so from one day to the next we don’t know if she will be staying and for how long.

When we got together I knew this arrangement existed, but we did have a discussion about carving out some time for us a couple of times a month.

DP and I have had huge arguments recently as I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. My business has been difficult, I’ve had health issues etc and I literally get no downtime. Past three weekends we’ve had SD here. On top of this DP has been making 6hr round trips to collect/drop off his DD at Uni. So we get no time together as a couple to go shopping, movies, or anything together, I also WFH, so I’m beginning to feel trapped here.

DP is saying that he will not change any arrangements with his DDs for example that he has her a couple of nights instead of the entire time he’s off work. Basically I like it or lump it. I think this is unfair as he’s wanting me to take on his lifestyle and isn’t prepared to take at least a couple of times a month for adult time to flex towards me.

AIBU?

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. It doesn't sound like he is expecting you to care for her, he is doing the work still. She is also his family and they come as a package, you are the more recent addition to the family.

I appreciate you may feel like you don't get enough space, but that should be the default of a family- the kids needs come first, and dad takes on as much care as mum if possible.

Agree with the PP and good to see that your DP is putting his DDs first.

But he also got together with me knowing my lifestyle and whilst I don’t have children, I have family/friends I’d like to spend time with.

I’m not sure asking for a couple of nights/days a month is a big ask. If it is then yes, the relationship isn’t going to work.

No you are not being unreasonable for feeling how you do. It is perfectly normal to expect time as a couple. However, he has told you how it is. He isn't going to change things. So you need to decide whether this is for you or not.
You matter too you know. You shouldn't waste your short, precious life on moulding around someone else's.
I dont think he is doing anything wrong, you are the one choosing to be with him. He couldn't be making it more clear. It wouldn't be for me.

Yanbu but nor is he
You are not compatible..

He's being a fantastic dad. Of course he's not going to turn down spending time with his child when he's off work!

YABU. Go and see your friends and family without him.

I have family/friends I’d like to spend time with

How does your DP having his daughter over stop that? You can still go out and see friends and family.

Maybe we’re just not going to work then. Which is sad as I had a lifestyle as well which I’ve basically given up.

We get ZERO time together as a couple. He even admits that. And that also means no time to do what I’d like.

I’ve always been more that accepting and welcoming to both SDs so this isn’t a case of me not liking them or asking DP to shake off his responsibilities.

Sounds like your boyfriend made it very clear from the beginning you are going to be very far down the totem pole in who he wants to spend his time with and you moved in anyway.

Without DP? So basically living a single life.

I think YABU expecting him to change but NBU to ditch him. Honestly, find someone who isn't tied down.

You knew he had children, you know he was an involved father. You can’t expect him to turn away his children now.

how old is the other daughter?

Why is that like living a single life?

We don’t have children but DH never comes with me to see my family or friends, just like I don’t socialise with his mates.

If he suggested it I’d think he’d gone a bit loopy to be honest 😂

It's not a single life. I see friends and family without DH all the time. It's family life.

How old is his younger DD? It would do no harm whatsoever to say to his DD or her mum that the two of you aren’t around every so often.
I have been in your situation with younger DSC and I knew the relationship wouldn’t work if DH and I could never plan anything for us.
If your DP has no flexibility for you then I’m not sure how this can work long term.

No you aren't being unreasonable.
I don't live with my DP, we both have small kids, he has his 50% and I have mine about 95% of the time, we both work and we still manage some child free time a few times a month. The fact that he isn't willing to even try work something out is worrying.
He shouldn't be making you feel like an after thought

If he has his daughter 50% or less then no he shouldn't cut down his time with her for you.

The issue is the combo of childcare and shifts I think. If he had more regular hours he could book her into wrap around care some days and have her on school days when he was working. That's what most co-parents do so there's some overlap between contact/working days.

I don't think a day or two together is a big ask from your side, but if he's unwilling to provide that (and it sounds as if you've asked plenty) you probably are incompatible lifestyle wise.

It would be boring if we were all the same 😅

But I’d like to not go to weddings, birthday parties, etc on my own.

just a random drink down the pub, I can handle on my own 😉

A decent man with kids is ALWAYS going to put his children first, so YABU on that basis alone.

You are not compatible and I'd write this relationship off.

You've used the word lifestyle a number of times. Thing is, being a parent and parenting isn't a lifestyle; it's a responsibility.
I think you're not compatible OP and probably best to try and face it. I hope you're able to move on without too much disruption and distress.

Maybe we’re just not going to work then. Which is sad as I had a lifestyle as well which I’ve basically given up.

I think this is the right approach. I can see why it’s frustrating. Yes, he’s right to prioritise his kids but you are right to prioritise yourself and that means moving on with someone who can give you what you need.

Please leave him before you have a baby, that would make things even worse.

He has his priorities right.

Neither of you is being unreasonable, but you’re not for each other, so walk away.

Babysitters. That's what parents who want to go out together at night use.

Doing stuff on your own is pretty normal when you have children.
So you are basically living the life of a couple with children. Whereas you want the lifestyle of a couple without children.

However, if DP is not even managing to go to weddings (which are rather different to routine social catch ups) with you, I suspect this relationship isn't one for you.