AIBU DP Won’t Create A Steady Childcare Routine.

[YourArtfulPlayer]

DP and I have been together nearly 3yrs, lived together for a year. DP has 2 DDs one at school and one at Uni. I’m Childfree. DP works shifts which can be day or night and he will work a block of time of long hours then have a block of time off. I have my own business.

Every time my DP is off work, we have his youngest DD. He will do the school runs and she will stay at ours. However, this can be unpredictable as sometimes she wants to stay at DMs home for various reasons - so from one day to the next we don’t know if she will be staying and for how long.

When we got together I knew this arrangement existed, but we did have a discussion about carving out some time for us a couple of times a month.

DP and I have had huge arguments recently as I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. My business has been difficult, I’ve had health issues etc and I literally get no downtime. Past three weekends we’ve had SD here. On top of this DP has been making 6hr round trips to collect/drop off his DD at Uni. So we get no time together as a couple to go shopping, movies, or anything together, I also WFH, so I’m beginning to feel trapped here.

DP is saying that he will not change any arrangements with his DDs for example that he has her a couple of nights instead of the entire time he’s off work. Basically I like it or lump it. I think this is unfair as he’s wanting me to take on his lifestyle and isn’t prepared to take at least a couple of times a month for adult time to flex towards me.

AIBU?

YANBU. We have 2 much smaller children and have a date night once a month. That involves arranging childcare and can be a logistical nightmare. He isn't doing a date night because he chooses not to. His 14 year old doesn't need a minder. There is no reason, apart from lack of care, that he can't spend quality time with you twice a month and do something 1:1 with his daughter as well. Honestly, if you're going to be on your own and single, then be single. At least you won't need to listen to his moaning about cleaning, etc.

Most of the time we don’t know this until late afternoon/ early evening.

Does he have his daughter 50% of the time?

The fuck have I read here?????

Why would you advise any woman to quit work to be accommodating to her partner?! 🤮

Whose house is it @YourArtfulPlayer?

You’re the breadwinner, he makes no time for you, you can’t make plans…

I’d bin it all off before any more time passes. And YANBU, I’d feel exactly the same as you.

You say he never comes to see your family or friends and you never go out with him and his?

Sounds like you have different priorities in life - maybe it wont work.

I know if my partner had asked me when I would be sending my children off etc so we could have alone time and it wasn't fair that we had no time alone he wouldn't still be with me.

On the other hand if I had moaned about not having time which I'm sure I did that would be ok because they are my biological children. -

This is obviously not the relationship for you, OP, and there's nothing wrong with that. Your lifestyles are just incompatible.

don't you get time as a couple when his children are with their mum?

I think you've missed my point. It rarely matters the age of the child or what the situation really is. The dad will be slagged off regardless and the mum up in arms about what a lowlife he is.

Yes he should make some time for you as a couple. You could do some ad hoc things on nights she doesn't want to come but if there's something special it would be reasonable of him to either not have her or leave her at home every now and then. My 14yo babysits my youngest child every couple of weeks so that DH and I can go out. Most 14yos are absolutely fine for a couple of hours.

He’s clearly told you, and shown you as he didn’t make time for 2 Saturdays a month, he will be working on have his child/ten if they are available. Up to you if you will accept that and it doesn’t sound like you will.

kids are a priority but that doesn’t mean they come first on every occasion imo. For him they come first every single time. if he isn’t careful he will end up on his own because his kids will fly the nest and have their own lives, and they generally will not be putting him first they will be prioritising friends and then partners (naturally)

if you stay I don’t think the setup will change as kids grow older… it will be ingrained and you will always come second. you will arrange a night out with friends, his child will say they will pop in he will cancel arrangements and child won’t come aa they got a better offer etc.

i get you love him so maybe try one last discussion, he has to make you count too or you’re out. Whose house is it?

Even if that's the case, what's stopping you from going out to dinner, or the cinema, or getting a takeaway for a night in on those occasions?

I think his actions speak very loudly….he clearly prioritises his DC and work over you.
You are not being unreasonable in wanting to spend more time with him but either you’ve both fallen into a bit of a relationship rut or he’s happy with the status quo and will be unwilling to change.

Why give up your lifestyle, spend your spare time with friends/family
also agree good for him spending time with his kids

A decent man with kids is ALWAYS going to put his children first, so YABU on that basis alone.

In a nut shell.

A decent man with kids is ALWAYS going to put his children first, so YABU on that basis alone.
You don't need to put your kids first to the exclusion of everything else.
Kids need to know the world doesn't revolve around them or they will have a lot of disappointment in life. Parents are allowed interests and time to themselves.
This man clearly is infantilising his DDs, typical disney dad, falling over himself to run after kids/young adults who are perfectly capable of not having daddy wait on them hand and foot.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You have both gone into the relationship and living together, expressing what is important to you. You understand and accept his parental responsibilities, but you want to ensure that you have alone time as a couple. This was what was agreed. But now he's not holding up his end of the bargain. There is a compromise there, that he doesn't seem to want to make. Is 1 or 2 nights a month unreasonable? No, not really.
Personally, I'd be having a frank discussion about how I felt. How you were both clear on your expectation from the start and you are support him with his needs, but he's not supporting you with yours. If he plans to continue as he is, then this doesn't work for you. See whether that makes him take stock and address the issue. If not, then he's showing you that your wants and needs aren't as important as his own. So do you take a step back in the relationship- move out but continue the relationship? Or just call it a day?

Before people come at me - yes his DDs are important, yes he should spend time with them, yes he should take them to uni. But I don't think it would hurt to have the youngest DD for 5 or 6 nights rather than 7. Compromises can be made so he still spends time with DDs and spend time alone with his partner.

It sounds as though this man is onto a really good thing with the OP. She earns good money, she pays half the bills, she cooks and cleans, has sex with him, is nice to his children and he never has to invest any one on one time with her.

Who owns the house you live in, OP? It doesn’t sound as though you are married - if he owns the house, you could just move out.

YANBU! I really dont understand the results of this at all!
The bare minimum of a relationship should be that you make time for eachother and spend quality time alone together. Me and DH have 3 DCs and still manage date nights. At 14 SD is old enough to be by herself for a couple of hours once or twice a month, or even get a baby sitter if she wont. Can she not stay with DPs parents once in a while?
But honestly, its not unreasonable at all to expect DP to make more of an effort, especially when this was promised in the beginning and now he's not sticking to that. Absolutely his DCs should be his priority but them and work shouldnt be taking up 100% if his time.
Maybe try and be a little more spontaneous. If SD cancels last minute there's nothing stopping you from heading straight to the pub / restaurant / cinema to have a quick date night. Make the most of the time whenever you can. If you want to make it work with him, stick it out. It wont last forever

Relationship is just not working. You can break off a relationship even if someone is a nice person but you are just not compatible anymore. I don't know if he's nice or not but it doesn't sound like he's bringing to the table what you need.

He's unreasonable here. He shouldn't have got into a relationship with you if he didn't want to or couldn't find time to spend together. I mean obviously there's nothing wrong with prioritising his daughter but he's stringing you along and that's not fair. How did it work before you moved in together? He must have found time then so you weren't unreasonable to expect that to continue!
If he had a more sociable job this would be less of an issue.
Anyway you won't change him so I guess your choices are to leave or wait until younger daughter is at uni. I would only stay if you can pick up your own lifestyle again and get out and about alone without resenting him - what is it you sacrificed? Moving away from friends ?