AIBU DP Won’t Create A Steady Childcare Routine.

[YourArtfulPlayer]

DP and I have been together nearly 3yrs, lived together for a year. DP has 2 DDs one at school and one at Uni. I’m Childfree. DP works shifts which can be day or night and he will work a block of time of long hours then have a block of time off. I have my own business.

Every time my DP is off work, we have his youngest DD. He will do the school runs and she will stay at ours. However, this can be unpredictable as sometimes she wants to stay at DMs home for various reasons - so from one day to the next we don’t know if she will be staying and for how long.

When we got together I knew this arrangement existed, but we did have a discussion about carving out some time for us a couple of times a month.

DP and I have had huge arguments recently as I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. My business has been difficult, I’ve had health issues etc and I literally get no downtime. Past three weekends we’ve had SD here. On top of this DP has been making 6hr round trips to collect/drop off his DD at Uni. So we get no time together as a couple to go shopping, movies, or anything together, I also WFH, so I’m beginning to feel trapped here.

DP is saying that he will not change any arrangements with his DDs for example that he has her a couple of nights instead of the entire time he’s off work. Basically I like it or lump it. I think this is unfair as he’s wanting me to take on his lifestyle and isn’t prepared to take at least a couple of times a month for adult time to flex towards me.

AIBU?

Out of interest, why am I asking him to put me before the children and what makes you think I can’t accept him/his children?

Based on your comment, no parent should ever have a date night or time away from their children. Should said parent ask for a rare occasion to have a date night, they’ve then don’t want the kids anymore?

I find responses like this bizarre. You based it on a preconception that because I’m childfree, I’ve concocted an entire relationship to pull a man away from his responsibilities due to my hate of children. Which is completely untrue.

This.

I couldn't put up with it myself and I have kids! Couples need time together, otherwise what's the point?

oh come on, don't be daft. Of course it's nice to go to your friends' and family events with your partner.

Surely it's about balance?

She’s 14! 🙄

he can definitely go out for an evening with you or if he doesn’t want to leave her in the evening then lunch or breakfast dates with you should be fine.

But it sounds as if he’s over protective, I think it’s for you to decide because he’s being a bit unreasonable

RE friends and family events, you’ll know some/most of the people there so you won’t be alone.

This.

My whole point on all this is that having a bit of downtime is in both our interests. He doesn’t get any at all and will complain about that. He doesn’t see his friends and has zilch life outside of children/work.

DP is a good man. He definitely has faults, like he will sulk about cleaning, but fundamentally he’s a good guy. 90% of our relationship is great, we get on well, we laugh and we support each other. But this feels like a situation that keeps causing issues.

I think if this was me, I would be thinking our priorities are not compatible.
DH is right to focus and spend time with his children.
You are right to want to have a partner you can spend time with and have a social life together.

My whole point on all this is that having a bit of downtime is in both our interests. He doesn’t get any at all and will complain about that. He doesn’t see his friends and has zilch life outside of children/work.

sounds like a him problem. If you really like him, jog along with things as they are and next time he says this ask him if he just wants to vent, and for you to listen with tea and sympathy, or if he wants to hear your opinion/ideas/possible solutions.

Because that is the time to say: well, a bit of downtime at X time/day, Y time/day or Z time/day would be good, how about it?

My whole point on all this is that having a bit of downtime is in both our interests. He doesn’t get any at all and will complain about that. He doesn’t see his friends and has zilch life outside of children/work.

You can't change him and you'll just make yourself miserable if you try.

Either accept this is who he is or leave.

@YourArtfulPlayer I think you have a DP problem really. It's good that he is taking his responsibilities seriously. BUT if he isn't willing to build in a couple of 'date nights' a month into your relationship, then he needs to understand he is likely to lose you

Instead of asking him to give up a couple of nights while his daughter is staying with you, he needs to be willing to compromise one way or the other. Leave his DD at home for an evening, or get a babysitter or something. Looks like you have tried to suggest this. I would sit him down and say that if he isn't willing to make ANY compromises at all, the relationship will likely be over

I take it, if you don't know when his daughter will be staying with you, you can't make a last minute decision to go out for a meal just the two of you? I imagine that the times the 14 year old stays with you will become less over the next 4 years or so too

It's utterly ridiculous that DP is spending 6 hours at weekends collecting from and returning his DD to University - or how often does that happen?

Just a small point OP but you probably threw people off with the thread title about childcare and your first post reading like it’s about a primary school age child. If posters thought you were talking about a 4YO it would explain a lot of the harsher responses.

A 14YO that like all teens spends a lot of time up in her room is a very different scenario. Then in addition to the 14YO that can’t stay home alone, you’ve also got a late teen that isn’t allowed on the bus and he’s complaining to you about lack of down time despite it all being of his own making. It’s definitely a him problem and not a you problem. And I don’t see how ‘compatibility’ comes into it, how could anyone possibly be compatible with a set up like that? Having any sort of life isn’t compatible with a set up like that! And yes we all make sacrifices and put life on hold when our kids are tiny but there’s supposed to be a point when it gets easier, and the youngest being 14 should definitely be it!

Very sensible post 👏🏼

You need to read the very sensible post I just quoted above, it’s the complete opposite of your clichés.

The only problem with this though (and I don’t know if I’ve missed you saying this), is what % of time does he actually have his child?

If he only has her say 30% of the time, then that means her mum is already doing 70% of the time. SHE needs the break. So if he already has her less time than her mum does then he’d be very unreasonable to go to the mum and ask for 2 weekends off a month or something like that so he has some “adult time” because SHE is already doing the bulk of the childcare/parenting. “Balance” is all well and good but not if he isn’t doing equal parenting/time, otherwise where is her mum’s “balance”? Dad is a part time parent AND also wants time off from his already smaller chunk of parenting time- no.

However if it is 50/50, I don’t see why they can’t maybe swap the odd day/night. It does sound like the problem is his job not being compatible with parenting & also not being compatible with your job.

Being a good father does not mean you can totally disrespect your partner's reasonable desire to spend some time together. That was why you got together after all - not so that you could do all your socialising on your own, stay home with his kids whenever he's not working and pay more than half the household bills and half the family holidays for the privilege. I have children and when they were younger we did have babysitters and so on so we could go out for dinner or go the movies or whatever.

I imagine this was a case of bait and switch because surely he must have made some effort to woo you without the children in tow. He isn't going to change and I suggest you leave and find somebody else more compatible to share your time and money with. Hopefully, your health and business improve too. I imagine both will improve once you are out of this rather unpleasant scenario with your own life back.

I think, OP, another good question to ask him is what does he want out of his relationship with you? does he see it going anywhere serious, does he want it to? or does he want more of a FWB arrangement?

And you should also give some thought as to what you want out of any or this relationship. He may be the lovliest man in the world but if you aren't having your relationship needs met or even thought about, you really don't need to hang around.

Presumably he made time for date nights and work and spending parenting time with his kids as you were dating and building up to moving in together? So has this just happened since you moved in?

I appreciate your post and all very good points made. Thank you for being so balanced with your response. Good food for thought.

Yes he did, we agreed that he would make time a couple of times a month but that’s fallen to the side.

Sounds like you would see more of him as a couple if you didn't live together. He'd make more of an effort then

Sounds like now you live together he is just taking the relationship for granted. If he made time before there’s no reason he can’t again -unless he’s simply just looking for a housemate to split living costs.

That’s how i’d feel if it were me anyhow. You’re not asking for a lot - actually sounds like you’re asking for less from him in terms of quality date time than you did before you took your relationship to the living together stage!

I don't think you're being unreasonable. All relationships need 'working on'and some level of compromise. He needs to acknowledge it's important to spend together as a couple, and commit to one or two days a month just for you two minimum.

You're not unreasonable for feeling how you do, but he's also not unreasonable for prioritising his children over some social things with your friends.

I do think it's reasonable for him to carve out some time with you as his partner though. Many parents make time for date night or time together because they're romantic partners as well as Mum and Dad. If he isn't willing to show some movement and invest in the relationship you will need to consider if you're willing to stay.

I’ve changed my vote to YANBU after reading the age of the youngest and the way he infantilises both his children. I think had you specified from the outset that she was 14 you’d be getting a different set of responses.

What I don’t get though is doesn’t this girl do sleepovers? I have a 15 yo dd. She has them all the time, I appreciate everyone is different, but doesn’t she do them at all? If I really needed / wanted my dd out of the house for the evening / night, I’d ask her to organise to stay with a friend. If just for an evening, she could also have someone to sleep over and keep her company.

In your position there is no way I’d be happy. I bet he feels he is fulfilling the ‘contract’ with you as he isn’t expecting you to parent. Tbh it may also be a pretty difficult existence for his dd, she could be feeling unwanted and upset at having to share her dad.

However, this can be unpredictable as sometimes she wants to stay at DMs home for various reasons

Why don't you schedule "couple things" on these nights then?