AIBU DP Won’t Create A Steady Childcare Routine.

[YourArtfulPlayer]

DP and I have been together nearly 3yrs, lived together for a year. DP has 2 DDs one at school and one at Uni. I’m Childfree. DP works shifts which can be day or night and he will work a block of time of long hours then have a block of time off. I have my own business.

Every time my DP is off work, we have his youngest DD. He will do the school runs and she will stay at ours. However, this can be unpredictable as sometimes she wants to stay at DMs home for various reasons - so from one day to the next we don’t know if she will be staying and for how long.

When we got together I knew this arrangement existed, but we did have a discussion about carving out some time for us a couple of times a month.

DP and I have had huge arguments recently as I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. My business has been difficult, I’ve had health issues etc and I literally get no downtime. Past three weekends we’ve had SD here. On top of this DP has been making 6hr round trips to collect/drop off his DD at Uni. So we get no time together as a couple to go shopping, movies, or anything together, I also WFH, so I’m beginning to feel trapped here.

DP is saying that he will not change any arrangements with his DDs for example that he has her a couple of nights instead of the entire time he’s off work. Basically I like it or lump it. I think this is unfair as he’s wanting me to take on his lifestyle and isn’t prepared to take at least a couple of times a month for adult time to flex towards me.

AIBU?

But that is 14 year olds you don't kick them out because they don't want to be sat in the front room so why effectively kick her out out because she's not physically with dad she knows he's there and can come talk when she needs ....what if her mother did the same.

It's fine and normal to have the odd solo night out while the 14yo stays home. Not all the time, but occasionally. It's a shame we're past Valentine's, as that would have been the perfect opportunity to start. Any anniversaries or your birthday coming up?

if his lifestyle works for him and his daughters and not for you then you end up with the choice of accepting it or walking away.

Which is harsh for you, but at least he’s not giving up what works for his kids at the drop of a hat like many men.

But I’d like to not go to weddings, birthday parties, etc on my own.
Surely he can attend these with you? a 14 yr old can be left at home, sounds like he's very much babying her, why is she not allowed on a bus?

Seriously, stop commenting as you’re clearly triggered. I have zero resentment towards my DP being a parent and I’m not ‘kicking her out’.

I would maybe speak to him and explain how you feel .However many fathers feel they want to be as present in DC life as possible ,esp when not the resident parent.It may be that you are not compatible as your lives are so different. I think if you had a baby it would be difficult best to end now really

As @Livinghappy says, he made time for you but now you live together that's all gone. In a few years his DC will be adults and he'll probably be more available, but you're unhappy now . I'd move on in your place @YourArtfulPlayer .

Contrary to a lot of opinions on here 😉 I don’t actually interfere too much, so I’m not 100% on the bus thing but I suspect it’s to with him fretting about their safety.

I think it’s really normal to see your family and friends without DP, at least some of the time, even if he had no children.

I think you have to decide if this is for you or not. It’s a good thing he is prioritising his children. If that’s not for you - if you’re not happy making your own arrangements to see family and friends etc - then I think you need to let this one go.

14 is old enough to make their way about though.

They shouldn’t need loads of care at that age - just a steady adult presence, meals being made etc.

Sonif that’s the age of the youngest then childcare routine isn’t really appropriate.

If it’s your friends or family it’s not on your own is it?

Not really sure what you mean tbh.

Nothing is stopping you from spending time with friends and family.

Completely agree with you.

Alot of harsh comments here. When I read the initial post I thought the youngest was under 13 and thought you weren't unreasonable just incompatible as there is nothing wrong with him wanting to be an active dad. But after your updates I'm firmly in your camp and that isn't not that he can't give you time it's that he won't. I'd be inclined to just leave as I don't think you'll ever be on the radar for someone like this. He sounds really ott about their safety, won't leave a teen on her own a few hours, older one can't get a bus or train?? What does he think she does at uni? You deserve a bit better

If he’s not relaxing any at their ages then you should definitely walk away.

When he’s still being OTT when they are in their 20s and 30s it’ll drive you mad

For those mentioning leaving her on her own. He won’t do that and will always ask SD if she wants to come along. He won’t even let his near late teen go on trains/buses.
That’s really not normal. Not allowing a ‘near late teen’ (16YO??) to take public transport is so controlling. Also, 14YOs often babysit for little kids, of course they should be ok to stay home alone occasionally. Has he not moved on from how he parented at the time of the split or something, when they were much younger? It sounds like there’s a whole heap of issues going on there.

It is hard for you but he was a parent before he met you and his children must come first.
You knew this when you got together with him and this is the life of someone who gets together with someone with children.
He and his children are a package and if you can't accept that you might want to reconsider if this is the right relationship for you

I’m sorry you are getting such a hard time here and I think it’s undeserved. People are not reading your posts properly and jumping to conclusions .

I think there’s only two possibilities here

1. he CANT spent time alone with you , because every waking moment he is either working or parenting
2. he DOESN'T WANT to spend time alone with you.

It doesn’t really matter which one it is - either way you are not compatible. You want different things.

Sorry. I know it’s hard when you have invested years of your life with him and his DD.

YANBU. His eldest is at university right? So 18 at the very least. And he won't let her use public transport either? That's rather overbearing and infantilising, I'm surprised they're happy to go along with that.

I don't think he's going to change though. You can try and have a conversation with him but it doesn't sound like he will be receptive from what you've written. I think you will have to be prepared (mentally and practically) to end the relationship rather than continue to deprioritise your own wants and needs in favour of his.

Entirely different situation when a couple is together. I'm a lone parent with no involvement from my ex, when DS was younger I hardly ever got any time alone. When you're co parenting or separated life is more difficult juggling childcare and work.

He found time before they moved in together or she’s never have stayed in the relationship. His child is 14. He can book a night out a month.

Yes, being a parent comes first but from your updates it does sound like he is being a bit over the top. How did you manage when you got together, before you were living together? Presumably he found a way of carving out time to date you, he won't have been bringing his kids along on his dates!

It sounds a little bit like now he's caught himself a partner to share the bills and housework and his bed, he doesn't feel like he needs to make any effort for you any more, and that's the kind of attitude that kills relationships.

I regularly see my Dad and brother without DH in tow - we’ve been married nearly 30 years.

However, can’t you do couple things even when the SD is at yours? We don’t cart our two around with us everywhere. If she’s a teen, can’t she stay in on her own one night if she’s there all weekend?