AIBU DP Won’t Create A Steady Childcare Routine.

[YourArtfulPlayer]

DP and I have been together nearly 3yrs, lived together for a year. DP has 2 DDs one at school and one at Uni. I’m Childfree. DP works shifts which can be day or night and he will work a block of time of long hours then have a block of time off. I have my own business.

Every time my DP is off work, we have his youngest DD. He will do the school runs and she will stay at ours. However, this can be unpredictable as sometimes she wants to stay at DMs home for various reasons - so from one day to the next we don’t know if she will be staying and for how long.

When we got together I knew this arrangement existed, but we did have a discussion about carving out some time for us a couple of times a month.

DP and I have had huge arguments recently as I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. My business has been difficult, I’ve had health issues etc and I literally get no downtime. Past three weekends we’ve had SD here. On top of this DP has been making 6hr round trips to collect/drop off his DD at Uni. So we get no time together as a couple to go shopping, movies, or anything together, I also WFH, so I’m beginning to feel trapped here.

DP is saying that he will not change any arrangements with his DDs for example that he has her a couple of nights instead of the entire time he’s off work. Basically I like it or lump it. I think this is unfair as he’s wanting me to take on his lifestyle and isn’t prepared to take at least a couple of times a month for adult time to flex towards me.

AIBU?

You are incompatible

Which is sad as I had a lifestyle as well which I’ve basically given up.

Why?! Why have you given up so much for a man? For a man who is unwilling to budge a millimetre for you? Have a think about why you have stood by waiting for scraps. You deserve more. So go get more. This isn't the man for you. He has just continued on hoping a woman would settle for what he can offer, which isn't much.
Again, he isn't doing anything wrong and is certainly honest about what he can give. It is you choosing this.

Even in a traditional set up it's perfectly acceptable for parents to make time for themselves as a couple..I don't see how the op is being unreasonable?

If I said to my husband that I wanted us to go out without the kids from time to time and he absolutely refused I'd be really pissed off.

Op, would be accept a babysitter?

Parents don’t necessarily get to take time off from their children. I don’t have children, but I am somebody else’s, my parents were married throughout, they didn’t get days or weekends off. Sounds like your partner gets plenty of time off anyway but wants to make the most of it when he does have downtime from work. That sounds like a good dad to me.

That said, I do understand your position. I don’t want somebody else’s children around me all the time either. So I had a rule and never dated a man with children. It sounds like you should make a similar choice.

So when he's working and doesn't have his daughter you have no time together? You don't have any evenings free where you can go for dinner or watch a box set etc? People with children have little time to themselves, it's just what it is. I think he is doing the right thing being honest and prioritising his children. He took his daughter to uni, as he should and well done her for being there. He sees his youngest when he's not working not only is that the right thing to do, as a father he will want to spend time with his child. Honestly if someone said to me come to an event for someone I don't know or spend the time with your son, my son would be my choice and I live with him full time.

Yes but perhaps the split has been hard on the kids and that's why he's not budging.

But I’d like to not go to weddings, birthday parties, etc on my own.

I do get that, but quite common for even married couples to attend events solo because they can't find (or afford) childcare.

I suspect you're just not very compatible - I don't have children either and wouldn't date someone who did for precisely this reason!

i don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting more time with with DP, unfortunately though he’s made it clear what his priorities are so it’s understandable if you want different things.

I used the term lifestyle because how else do I describe my life?

Because I’m childfree doesn’t mean I don’t have responsibilities. They’re just different ones. I also understand what parenting involves, I’m not deprived of common sense. Wildly, in the time we’ve been together I’ve not just sat here watching him parent and not also contributed.

But sadly I think you’re right and we’re not compatible. Thank you for the wishes.

You op sounds like your job is a big part of your problem.

I got with a good dad and now he’s being a good dad instead of putting me first

Just why?

YANBU, and lots of PP are being unfair and a bit defensive about parenting. We're childfree but DH works shifts, and before we moved in together he also preferred to work a block of shifts then take almost a week off (mainly so he could golf!), but it's not compatible with family life and makes him grumpy, so over time I've had to remind him that it doesn't work for us. You're not the problem, and while your DP absolutely should want to spend as much time as possible with his children, it sounds like he could be more flexible with work etc but just isn't willing to. I'd have a discussion about it and share how you feel and see if he's willing to change before you end it, but it sounds like staying in this set-up will make you unhappy.

No we don’t get that time as he works 12hr shifts which can be days and nights in a job which is around an hours commute away.

I think people are thinking I’m asking to give up his children point blank. That isn’t what I’m expecting or asking. I’m not some Childfree woman stamping my feet and being unreasonable or not accommodating.

This.

Sounds like the relationship just isn't working for you. Neither one is wrong and it's a case of being incompatible.

Your dp is doing the right thing by his dd, as he should. People with dc, if they are doing it correctly don't tend to have much time to themselves. The difference is that he not gets x amount of time to spend with her because he's not living with her mother, so has to make the most of it.

But equally you're not in the wrong for wanting some time with just him, to go to the cinema, see friends and generally 'have a relationship'. The relationship can't be much fun for you if he's either working or using all his free time with his dd.

I'd be tempted to throw this one back into the sea and find someone who's lifestyle aligns to yours

Thank you for the sound advice.

I can see there are definitely a few defensive responses and I can understand why.

Unfortunately, he’s unable to change his shift work as that’s the job (if that makes sense). He even jokes himself that his job is notorious for splitting couples up because of the hours and they’re not set the same every week. So combine this with me also working, the only time we really get to see each other is when he is off duty, but then we have his DD.

So really all I’m asking for is that we earmark a couple of nights per month so we can go do something.

So as the main breadwinner in the family, that pays over 50% of the household bills, 50% of family holidays, etc… I should quit my job?

Cracking advice 😂

He sounds like a good man OP. I hate the lower expectations for men but ten minutes on here will show you how many men prioritise their children after a separation or maintain a healthy co parenting relationship with their ex.

I think you should see the positives in this and try reframe your thinking as I suspect this is a man who would make a good partner. It would be very unreasonable to expect him to change a parenting routine that has worked for him and his children just because you've come along, you won't win that one.

He is being completely irrational. If a couple have children together they still expect to get some child free time. Dh and I have a few dates planned in the next month. So if you are getting into a relationship with someone who isn’t the other parent of your children and make it so you have zero time as a couple you are just asking to be dumped aren’t you? How else would any normal human react? YANBU op, basically I’d assume he just doesn’t love me enough to care about time with me and we’d be done.

Your op is full of negatives about your job including the WFH bit...quitting may not be the only way of changing things....but as most of our lives are spent working looking at things is never a bad idea. Or you could be single and still feel trapped etc.

How is it full of negatives? I own a business and it’s been challenging recently… show me a business owner that doesn’t have challenges or anyone who is employed that doesn’t have moments of madness.

I WFH which IMO has more benefits than not, but doesn’t mean because I feel claustrophobic my work is the issue. That’s just nuts.

I think you might have more luck encouraging him to change career @YourArtfulPlayer .

It sounds like your jobs are incompatible rather than the issue being him spending time with his daughter on his days off.

If he didn't work long shifts and you didn't have the stresses of running a business, you'd have evenings and the odd weekend together.

It's not him being a parent that means you don't have that time, it's work.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling that you don't ever get alone time to do couple things with your partner but it's not unreasonable for him to want to spend as much time as possible with his children either.
He's made it perfectly clear that you're not at the top of his priorities list (of course his children should come first) but to not even agree to 1 or 2 nights a month is a bit off.
How old is the younger child?

Ask dp to pay for a babysitter one night a month?