AIBU DP Won’t Create A Steady Childcare Routine.

[YourArtfulPlayer]

DP and I have been together nearly 3yrs, lived together for a year. DP has 2 DDs one at school and one at Uni. I’m Childfree. DP works shifts which can be day or night and he will work a block of time of long hours then have a block of time off. I have my own business.

Every time my DP is off work, we have his youngest DD. He will do the school runs and she will stay at ours. However, this can be unpredictable as sometimes she wants to stay at DMs home for various reasons - so from one day to the next we don’t know if she will be staying and for how long.

When we got together I knew this arrangement existed, but we did have a discussion about carving out some time for us a couple of times a month.

DP and I have had huge arguments recently as I’m starting to feel claustrophobic. My business has been difficult, I’ve had health issues etc and I literally get no downtime. Past three weekends we’ve had SD here. On top of this DP has been making 6hr round trips to collect/drop off his DD at Uni. So we get no time together as a couple to go shopping, movies, or anything together, I also WFH, so I’m beginning to feel trapped here.

DP is saying that he will not change any arrangements with his DDs for example that he has her a couple of nights instead of the entire time he’s off work. Basically I like it or lump it. I think this is unfair as he’s wanting me to take on his lifestyle and isn’t prepared to take at least a couple of times a month for adult time to flex towards me.

AIBU?

She is 14, pretty much the entire time she is here she will just sit in her bedroom playing games, emerging just for dinner 😂

So if they were spending quality time together, doing things or going out etc I’d completely understand, but they don’t. At best they will go to a supermarket together or take the dog for a quick walk.

@lifebeginsaftercoffee

It sounds like your jobs are incompatible rather than the issue being him spending time with his daughter on his days off.

If he didn't work long shifts and you didn't have the stresses of running a business, you'd have evenings and the odd weekend together.

It's not him being a parent that means you don't have that time, it's work.

I completely agree with this, if your working patterns are incompatible it's not his daughters who should have less contact

@YourArtfulPlayer
So even when she's around you can spend time together and surely during his weeks of she's at school, do nothing stopping you going for lunch together etc, maybe book a day off work yourself and spend it together while she's at school

She’s 14 and you guys can’t pop to the local pub once a month for a couple of hours whilst she stays at home watching TV?? I thought you were going to say she was 4 and she doesn’t settle for babysitters. WTAF. Of course YANBU. It’s great he prioritises his kids but there’s a balance to everything and an occasional date night when the youngest is a teen is a perfectly normal thing to expect, whatever the family set up.

It's the reality of having kids. If they were your bio children together, the same responsibilities would exist. Many couples virtually shelve their lives with a young child*. It's why the concept of date night was invented.

If you want to see friends and family, do it anyway. Dont get codependent.

*ETA seen SD is 14. Why not make plans for a family walk or day out and she ca come or not? If he is saying you vith need to be indoors all weekend while she is in her room then he is using her as an excuse to laze about at home and check out on those days.

I agree. I remember someone once saying that they felt like they probably came before the dog but that was about it.

If this couple never spend any time together, doesn’t that just make the OP someone who cooks, cleans, pays bills and provides sez when her partner makes himself available?

I don't think you're unreasonable, OP, to want time with him alone. I don't think he's necessarily unreasonable to prioritise his children.

And having said that: i don't think your lifestyles are compatible, you probably want different things from this relationship. Maybe you need to have a good talk about it and decide where both of you want the relationship to go?

If she's 14 why can't you spend an evening together? Why can't she go to family occasions with you?

I don't think his arrangements for having his DD are unreasonable, ultimately he has DC and therefore could have them all the time if it was needed. But I don't know why having his DD seems to cause so much difficulty in your life. Why can't you go shopping when she's there? Or to the cinema?

She is 14, pretty much the entire time she is here she will just sit in her bedroom playing games, emerging just for dinner

So what's stopping you from going to the pub for a couple of hours, or having dinner just the two of you while she has a pizza in her room?

Exactly, a 14 yo can be left.

It's great that he gets on with his DD so well, but she's 14 so the chances are she will soon want to be with her friends rather than you two on his days off as well.
You need to sit down together and calmly talk about expectations and book some lunches, pub visits or whatever in your joint diaries. He's caught in the middle trying to please you both (and probably feeling guilty he lives so far from his DD) but it sounds like youre both unhappy with the current setup.

He must have made the time before you moved in together though, otherwise there would be no relationship? YANBU, OP

So really all I’m asking for is that we earmark a couple of nights per month so we can go do something.

I was going to say that you can't do this with kids - you have to accept that sometimes they need you when you had other plans. It can be frustrating, but it's part of the deal.

But she's 14 - so why do you need earmarked nights that the kids aren't around? Why can't you just go to the pub when she is around?

It sounds like he won’t go.

It's sad that you feel the way you do.... but you're asking him to spend less time with his children. Any decent father is going to say no to that. If you don't like it you're going to have to go separate ways or be miserable. 🤷‍♀️

Imagine a post from the mums POV on this. DD goes to her dad's only to be left at home alone so he can go to the pub with his girlfriend.
They'd be a pile on saying how shit the father is.
He can't win in this situation.

YANBU - it’s just as important to dedicate time to a relationship too. People neglect their relationships that’s why they end up in shitty unhappy marriages. even if it’s a date night once a month or something.

if course by MN standards DP should have his child/children 565 days a year, 40 hours per day🫠

She's 14?! Of course she can be left once or twice a month for you to go out.

That's entirely reasonable.

He knew what he was getting into.
Did he seriously think he could get into a serious adult relationship and then not even want to spend a couple of nights per month with that person nurturing this relationship?
Stupid man.
And you'd be daft to continue to tolerate it, OP. Sack him off and go find someone who actually wants to be in a relationship.

Not at 14. I don't leave mine often at 4 but I hope to be able to by 14!

It sounds like he is happy with his life and doesn't want to carve out time for you both as a couple. His priority is spending time with his daughters whenever they want to. If you really can't live with this, it might be that the two of you are incompatible.

I guess when you were dating he made an effort to see you and have dates? It seems his priorities have changed and now you are living together he is taking you for granted. He could find time if he wanted to but I imagine this setup works for him.

Think how it would look to his school age daughter if he said 'no, you can't come round, I don't want to see you' - that would be awful.

Then why did you bring it up when it has no bearing on your resentment towards your oh being a parent. Leave him don't break his kids heart

For those mentioning leaving her on her own. He won’t do that and will always ask SD if she wants to come along. He won’t even let his near late teen go on trains/buses. I know he also wouldn’t be keen on us eating downstairs whilst she ate upstairs.

I’m ignoring any comments about me asking DP to sacrifice his relationship with DD as I know that’s not at all what I’m asking him to do.

Appreciate all the other fair and balanced responses. I definitely have some thinking to do about what I want going forward.