If your parents offered to pay for school fees…

[Grosshesselohe]

How do/did your adult siblings feel about this?

I’m talking about a situation where the parents are very comfortable financially and their adult children are employed in good professional jobs - but might struggle to pay school fees without some help.

In this situation, the sibling does not have school age children & does not want to be given the equivalent amount of £ to make things even.

They simply disagree with the parents helping at all and are now insinuating that they are being manipulated in some way.

AIBU to think the sibling should mind their own business?

The sibling should just stay out of it. If they’ve been offered the same value or would be treated the same then there shouldn’t be an issue.

I know this is not the point of the post & that the OP doesn’t want to up root her children from an environment they’re settled in, but I genuinely wonder why people thinks private schools are better ?!

in the last few years children I’ve seen come out of private school haven’t had as good exam results (or all round life experiences) as those 16/18 year old coming out of state schools!

if I’d paid £100k per child for an education and they came out with 3’s 4’s & 5’s at GCSE I’d be more than a tad annoyed!!

is it really worth the cost and heart ache?

ivedonejuryservice
Based on the people I've spoken too offline and on Mumsnet, what stands out to me is that most of the time it isn't just about exam results. It's often about an environment that they feel their children will thrive and be noticed by staff.

For example if I had a choice between a school where my children could do their 9-3.30/4pm in a nice environment with minimal disruption, had time for enrichment, and where they could make decent progress each year then I'd choose that over another school where the results are similar, but Years 7-9 are coasting, the staff are being pulled to focus on too many things that aren't teaching, then GCSE students are being given endless intervention (aka removing students from subjects they enjoy to do more maths and English because of gaps caused further down the school) or staff/students are being told they have 'voluntary' extra lessons after school because the school are worried that their progress 8 score isn't going to be as high.

Both schools would have similar GCSE results for a motivated child with a supportive family, but one is a nicer environment overall for their secondary education.

I used to think similarly to you, but have come to appreciate why some people are making that choice. I don't understand why anyone would financially ruin their family for it though if there's a reasonable local alternative.

Reading the op post and replies I think the feelings that have come up are judgement. Op do you feel judged and criticised by the sibling? Seems like classic sibling dynamics playing out here around fairness. That stuff runs deep. It’s not really about the £ involved or school choices - you feel told off. No easy answer because I doubt the sibling will change his views. Personally I have had to stand on my own with finance and it’s been hard sometimes but it worked out and meant not getting involved in these situations.

I wish people would actually read the thread before commenting.

Both siblings have been offered money from DPs to help with education throughout their DCs time there but both have declined.

Now DPs have offered X sum to help with schools fees and have also said sibling can have X sum for whatever they like.

It all seems pretty fair to me and like the parents just want to help and keep things fair between the siblings.

I haven't RTFT but have read OP's posts. What struck me is that you said you (assuming you're talking about yourself, not sure why it's in third person) are closer to your parents than your sibling. I think this is likely to be what underlies everything.

They see you with a closer relationship to your parents and as the favoured child. They probably think they had a much harder time of it growing up than you did and that your parents were too soft with you. This is where the comments about standing on your own two feet are likely to come from. They may have felt uncomfortable taking money from your parents as they grew up with the feeling of having to stand on their own two feet while you were pandered to. So this has become part of their narrative: it is better/more moral to be hard working and independent than to accept help.

If there is a lot of resentment from childhood it is easy to see how this could translate to them feeling that they morally can't accept money from your parents as it goes against their narrative/morality and equally be frustrated and hurt that you are ready to accept that same money.

Even though your parents appear to have treated you equally in regards to the money, this resentment from childhood means they feel they can't accept it but are annoyed/hurt that you are going to.

Of course, I know nothing about your situation in reality but this is my assumption based on what you've said. There may also be resentment about you having three DC while they could only have one.

I’ve said I’m more than happy with 25%

To be honest, if anything it was my sibling that was the golden child growing up, they did very well at a competitive prestigious school, Oxbridge etc and were always the focus of my parents conversations with friends etc.

I did quite well too in the end, got a decent degree from a very good Uni and have had a successful & happy career but I always struggled with organising myself and caused them some anxiety with my wayward behaviour during teen years.

I’ve been closer to my parents as an adult, I always send birthday cards/presents etc and call/visit often whereas sibling is more distant and focused on their own life.

You are absolutely right about feeling judged though - that’s exactly how I feel

Perhaps you both felt that the other sibling was the golden child? I don't know. In my family there is a daughter who made a lot of mistakes in life and the parents supported her a lot (paid her rent etc). The son led a more conventional life and made "good" choices so the parents didn't need to support him so much. Both the daughter and the son think that the other is the favoured child. The daughter because she feels guilt/shame/judged about her choices and the son because he feels unsupported despite doing the "right" things.

(Weirdly, I've just realised that this is like the parable of the prodigal son in the Bible, with the daughter being the wayward son!)

Family relationships are complicated!

I'm afraid you will always feel judged when accepting handouts. That's the price you pay. Nothing is completely free really and the fact you're having second thoughts and feel uneasy makes me take back what I said about entitlement. I do think it sounds like a difficult family dynamic however remember that asking for help isn't bad. It would be far more reckless for you to get yourself in debt to push them through these schools. Given what your sibling is like I would ensure this is all written and legally binding in case something unforeseen were to happen to your parents though. I can't imagine you'll have a fun time convincing your sibling to continue paying.

You sound like a lovely mum and your parents sound lovely too. If the offer was there for your older sibling but they didn't accept it, that's on them, they have no right to call you manipulative or judge you for taking them up on the offer that was available to all.
It would've been very different if the offer was never on the table and only happened now because of your comment.

I want to understand the psychology behind it.

I don't think it's that complex. They just think people should pay for their own DC, and if they can't afford something, they cut their cloth. It's not a bad POV, and no bad thing to teach your kids, rather than teaching them there'll always be old family money to bail you out so you can always have the best. I agree with your sibling tbh.

It is naive though to expect that offers of money don't change dynamics. Or opinions. Especially such potentially big numbers. My sister was drip fed cash gifts all her adult life (much bigger than the sums OP is taking about, and it wasn't even for education!), and it all came out after my parents' deaths. I knew she got some but not the extent! And she was frankly embarrassed when I inevitably found out during the probate process.
It also subtly shifts the relationship between giver and receiver. My sister never really revealed her true views and personality to my parents - always the image she thought they'd approve of. I on the other hand felt freer to be me. And I think my relationship with my parents was healthier as a result

In my own family dynamic, this would not be about money but about showing love.

It's very easy to give someone money (if you have it, obviously).
It's much harder to show that you care about someone. Giving someone money specifically because you see they are struggling and you are trying to support them is different to just saying "oh, have some money, so it's fair".

(Projecting here, but you did say you were interested in the pyschology) I also wonder if your sibling keeps themselves distant from your parents precisely because they are sick of trying to meet the expectations of your parents and still never feeling good enough? Do your parents only value them for their achievements, rather than the person they actually are? This would also explain why the sibling doesn't want the money - they want your parents affection and acceptance, which both costs nothing and is priceless.

Thank you for this, it really has made me feel a bit better about everything.

It sounds like you and your sibling are both judging each other. I'd insist on my parents allocating the same amount to my siblings child in their will. That way it would actually be fair. I don't know why you wouldn't do that. I know it's not up to you how your parents make their will but I bet they would listen to you.

I’ve been closer to my parents as an adult, I always send birthday cards/presents etc and call/visit often whereas sibling is more distant and focused on their own life.

I'm curious why you would mention this? You must think it relevant? Do you think it means you are more deserving than your brother.

I think in the context of the posters other posts she said this to explain that the relationship they have with their parents is better than it was when they were younger.

They would, because they already are listening I think.
Also OP, for the sake of your future relationship with your sibling I would try to make sure everything is transparent and (eventually) equal. When your parents are gone you might value that relationship more, and it would be a shame for it to be tarnished

Oooh! I think sibling has a right to be annoyed

I’m struggling to articulate why but I would also have an issue with this in your siblings situation.

Accepting such a huge amount of ongoing financial help feels…grotesque? Infantilising? Pathetic even? As I said, I’m struggling to verbalise why I find it so distasteful, but I do.

As a parent of 3DC I would expect anybody to make financial decisions based on no parental help and regardless of whether my DPs were scrupulously fair, I would look at them quite differently if they were happy to accept this ongoing support.

One-off help to get them over a short term issue would be fine but another 7 years?? Surely when the eldest finishes their studies, the money will be freed up for fees…unless you are planning on them being fully supported through university too? When does it end?

@Grosshesselohe
my DS has three children her middle child went to private school for 4 years, funded by my DPs due to my niece being dyslexic and state school not being suitable (at the time). DN left private school in year 8 and due to her dedication worked very hard and deserved every grade she got, now studying for A levels. We have 2 DC who both went through state school. Eldest dyslexic but worked hard and has a good job. Youngest naturally gifted, excelled and now is in an oxbridge uni. At no time did we begrudge our DN being funded at private school, infact I have no idea what financial help my sisters family has been given other than this and I don’t care to know, equally she doesn’t know any financial help we have received either. It’s no one else’s business who parents want to offer help to.

The dc’s fees have been paid by their parents until now but the costs are rising steeply as they progress through school: there are 3dc, the eldest is starting year 10 next year and the youngest has 7 years left.

Regardless of the ins and outs of the offer to pay fees from grandparents, the parents surely must have had a plan as to how they were going to pay these fees beforehand, knowing that fees will rise year on year? If they weren't being offered this money, what were their plans - where did they think that the money would come from?

I do appreciate that posters are interested in the ins and outs and the family dynamics and the fact that the current situation exposes an imprudent approach to planning etc.

I expected a lot of criticism and most of this has been perfectly reasonable, but I am really most interested in understanding why my sibling feels so opposed to something that has no negative impact on them - they have always been offered the same help and everyone wants things to be completely fair and equal.

That’s why I titled the thread the way I did. I know there are quite a few people on MN who get help from DGPs with fees, and I wanted to know how other siblings react to this and whether my sibling’s is a normal response. I was trying to avoid the dynamics etc from the outset in case it became an unnecessary distraction.

I think people just have different morals and values, and also different personality characteristics. My sister would react in much the same way as yours albeit the sums involved would be lower..for instance everyone went on holiday (my family of 5, 2 parents & my sister and partner). She would not accept being paid for / subsidised by my parents and was completely miffed if that I'd pay any less than 5/9th despite the fact my parents wanted to pay towards my costs as they appreciated the opportunity to go away with their grandchildren and children. It caused quite a rift and I learned to not accept my parents generosity. What motivated her? Feeling like she had the higher moral ground I guess...who knows...she was also the golden child but I am the more 'conforming' adult. You just have to decide whether the money is worth the agro, as the bad feeling is not going to go away for 7 years at least, if ever..

My mother offered to pay the school fees for my brother’s kids. My SIL said no when my mother asked for the school’s contact details to message them directly about arranging payment. SIL said they didn’t ask for the help and they don’t need it. I didn’t care about the offer at all. Not at the time, and not now, despite never having received such an offer myself.