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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 14 year old for 4 days with 18 year old sibling?

162 replies

boyohboys · 27/02/2024 12:07

18 year old has A levels so not wanting to go anywhere which is, but 14 year old also keen to stay at home too - AIBU to leave a 14 & 18 year plus be responsible 2 dogs & a cat for 4 days?

I suspect my judgement is somewhat clouded by the practicalities of youngest being there as he will happily take care of the dogs & other pets whereas oldest wouldn't want the dogs there so I'd have to find weekend boarding which is tricky. We have lovely immediate neighbours and a good network of local friends they could call or I could ask to pop in, but of course can arrange for youngest to stay with a pal and I'm sure find somewhere for the dogs if need be.
We'd be leaving very early but Thursday/Friday morning as opposed to 7:30 work department so they'd get themselves to school & dog sitter would come in the day. After school they'd be getting themselves home and whereas we'd usually get in around 6ish, they'd be fending for themselves. Both self-sufficient and pretty sensible & no issues with the odd late home from work or out socialising but have never done overnight. Weekend they'd be at revising, gaming or out doing usual stuff like going to the gym, meeting mates in the park but of course home alone the entire time. We get back very late Sunday night.

The more I write the less certain I am but still interested to hear what other thinks.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 27/02/2024 13:50

Absolutely fine if you trust them OP.

My parents went to Borneo for 3 weeks when my sister was 19, I was 17 and my brother was 14.

He was the most sensible one, cleaning up after us when we threw wild parties, and enlisting our mates to help with his coursework.

Starlight1979 · 27/02/2024 13:56

Broomknobsandbedsticks · 27/02/2024 12:25

It’d be a no from me. It’s a lot of responsibility on the 18 yo. 14 is young to be left for 4 days in my view.

A lot of responsibility?! Jesus there are lads out there in the armed forces and people having children by 18! Keeping an eye on your teenage sibling and some pets for a few nights is hardly a lot of responsibility!

CactusMactus · 27/02/2024 13:59

My parents left me and my elder brother when we were teenagers - for weeks on end.
We had massive parties, loads of friends crashed over, there was a lot of weed smoked and way too much cheap booze consumed.
I would never, ever, ever leave my kids!

shearwater2 · 27/02/2024 14:01

My two would be fine (18, nearly 19 and just turned 15). They get on very well and would walk the dog. It hasn't happened as my mum lives with us too but they would be ok, and other granny is only round the corner, plus the neighbours on both sides would look out for them if we asked.

Marblessolveeverything · 27/02/2024 14:14

Broomknobsandbedsticks · 27/02/2024 12:25

It’d be a no from me. It’s a lot of responsibility on the 18 yo. 14 is young to be left for 4 days in my view.

I agree, 18 on their own but adding 14 year old and dogs is a lot for four days. Less responsibilities or for one day yes but I think that is a lot in one go.

DanceMumTaxi · 27/02/2024 14:18

Would the 14 year old definitely get up and go to school Thu/Fri? I was left on my own for a week when I’d just turned 16. I was in yr11 and got up and went to school every day, walked the dog, cooked tea and called the landlord when the boiler broke. But I was very sensible and hated being in trouble. No parties at all and only had one friend over at the weekend. Can you definitely trust them not to have a party and trash the house?

stayathomer · 27/02/2024 14:20

It’s a very long time - 4 days! I always think the things to worry less about are the things people bring up such as burglary or fire- the more realistic one (for us here) is eg dog getting out and the kids running off at night time to find him, or getting a fright because of something. There’s also the looking after themselves aspect, eg keeping relatively clean and eating! Op it’s very strange you can’t find a kennels- our crazy cocker spaniel was about 1 when he went to a kennels- nobody had a problem with age? Maybe try some more?

MirandaWest · 27/02/2024 14:21

My two are close in age (20 and 18) and get on. Whenever I have left the two of them on their own (so for shorter lengths of time when they were younger) I only did it if I would have been happy leaving the younger one on their own. So for me I’d think about whether I’d be happy to leave the 14 year old on their own and go from there.

Maddy70 · 27/02/2024 14:26

Definite no from me. I would have run my older sibling ragged and organised all sorts of naughty things to do

Illpickthatup · 27/02/2024 14:45

Broomknobsandbedsticks · 27/02/2024 12:25

It’d be a no from me. It’s a lot of responsibility on the 18 yo. 14 is young to be left for 4 days in my view.

At 18 they could have a baby of their own. It sounds like the 14yo is capable of looking after themselves so wouldn't be any burden on the 18yo.

Rachie1973 · 27/02/2024 14:46

I think it depends on the 14 year old.

18 yr old, no issues.

1 of mine would have fought endlessly with any of the others. The other 3 would have been totally fine in any combination.

user146990847202 · 27/02/2024 14:54

Mine are similar ages and we probably will do similar soon, however think we will start off with one night and build up to longer. And I’d take the dogs with me as they’re my favourites! 😀

Broomknobsandbedsticks · 27/02/2024 14:54

Starlight1979 · 27/02/2024 13:56

A lot of responsibility?! Jesus there are lads out there in the armed forces and people having children by 18! Keeping an eye on your teenage sibling and some pets for a few nights is hardly a lot of responsibility!

Show quote history

And?! This 18 yo doesn’t / hasn’t chosen to have children and even if they had - you don’t argue with your own baby do you?! Being responsible for your own child and a sibling are two very different situations. Asking an 18 year old to be responsible for themselves, a house, pets and a younger sibling for 4 days is very much a large responsibility. Not sure where the armed forces come into it.

Reugny · 27/02/2024 15:05

Broomknobsandbedsticks · 27/02/2024 14:54

And?! This 18 yo doesn’t / hasn’t chosen to have children and even if they had - you don’t argue with your own baby do you?! Being responsible for your own child and a sibling are two very different situations. Asking an 18 year old to be responsible for themselves, a house, pets and a younger sibling for 4 days is very much a large responsibility. Not sure where the armed forces come into it.

Show quote history

The 14 year old will mostly be responsible for themselves and the animals.

The 18 year old's job is to deal with any emergencies which rarely happen.

Over decades plenty of teen kids have been left with a young adult sibling. In these cases it helps if you know the neighbours and have a few relatives/family friends nearby, who will intervene if asked.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 27/02/2024 15:29

Honestly I’d be disappointed if my kids were not capable of running things for 4 days and these ages. We do expect our kids to be very capable and independent though more than the norm.

Peakypolly · 27/02/2024 15:35

If the DC are happy to be left then it is fine, and well done for raising independent, confident teenagers.
My younger two were more than happy to be left (with dogs as well) for a few days, from the elder being 17, and overnight from 16.

Bluetrews25 · 27/02/2024 15:41

Oh IF ONLY there were some way they could be left at home with some kind of magical communication device that could enable them to summon help from the fire brigade if they set the house on fire (because every unsupervised DC of a MNetter would set the house on fire), or contact OP or some other wise adult if the need should arise! Such a shame.

You know them, OP. What do THEY think?
Leave a list of jobs that each has to do on a particular day
Can you do a practice overnighter before you go?
How far away will you be?
I think better not on a school day/night - would school get a bit excited if they heard about this?

Hatty65 · 27/02/2024 15:45

Yes, I think I'd leave them. We did with ours at this age once when they didn't want to come up to Granny's for a few days. They were fine. They were sensible, and yours sound it too.

Also, I'd left home by 17!

Wendysfriend · 27/02/2024 15:53

I really don't see any issue with doing this.

You know your children and what they are capable of, most people will judge this on their own upbringing and their own children. Just because Mary was 10 years old and raised 20 siblings while working nights and going to school in the day doesn't mean every kid can.

You need to ask them what they'd prefer to do if there's different options, have some rules set out, ensure they have enough food in and money for takeaway, I'm sure you've taught them basic safety instructions over the years, they'll have any phone numbers they need, there's plenty of people near by that they can call upon.

They sound pretty competent, you tell them you are trusting them and try not to worry, the 1st time leaving them is the hardest, they manage fine, we worry.

Redlarge · 27/02/2024 15:58

SantaBarbaraMonica · 27/02/2024 15:29

Honestly I’d be disappointed if my kids were not capable of running things for 4 days and these ages. We do expect our kids to be very capable and independent though more than the norm.

Me too. Its absolutely fine and should be encouraged.

ByTheSea · 27/02/2024 16:44

It depends on your DC, and you know them best.

Yesssssssssss · 27/02/2024 16:56

For me, if they are generally sensible, it would largely depend on the relationship between them. Do they "get on"? Would the elder 'abuse his power'? Would you be wrong to make the elder responsible for the younger? Would the younger be a shit? Would either of them do something irresponsible to put the other in a difficult position? etc etc Or could you trust them to be kind to each other and cooperate with each other?

awkward82 · 27/02/2024 16:58

We left 17 & 14 for 9 days a few years ago, absolutely fine they had adults on hand they could ring if needed.

urrrgh46 · 27/02/2024 17:21

We left an 18yr old, 17yr old and 15yr old for 9 days in 2019 - with dogs and cats - absolutely fine. Got a shop before we went. 18yr old could drive. The neighbour knew we had gone away. All sensible none drinkers - I think if one of them had been a party animal I might have been worried more but still would have done it. It surprises me how reluctant mn are to leave near and adult kids with any responsibility.

AuditAngel · 27/02/2024 17:23

We left our then 18 year old with 15yo and 12yo for 6 days last year and it went well. Doing it again in 2 weeks for 9 days.

I have to call them for the school wake ups though!