Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

If she hasn't worked in nearly two decades I have to be honest and say I don't think getting a job will be that easy.

Take her phone OP, and ask her not to waste the little energy she has on that woman. It’s not the woman who’s stolen her money and life it’s her POS husband.

well done on being a good sister OP. The kids shouldn’t be thinking he’s saint and must be able to see the State she’s In.

can you get any thing from them on how things have been prior to this? Because it doesn’t make much sense how they’ve gotten to this conclusion

I don’t either. She used to work many decades ago. Maybe a job in a nursery or childcare setting. She is wonderful with children.

@Newchapterbeckons universal credit will probably give her an advance. Get the child benefit paid to her just phone the child benefit office, explain he left and children are with mother. The child benefit is important. The GP could give her a sick note for the DWP so she doesn’t have to look for work she is not in the right frame of mind. Council tax office as well he has left therefore discount applies and on uc she may not have to pay due to income.

i suggest you do all the calling, they don’t know you aren’t your sister. I’m afraid she is burying her head which is normal. The way she is and acting this way the only I can describe it to you is that it’s like a sudden tragic death. He has been planning this for a while and it’s easier for him to play the blame game so he looks the victim.

Get rid somehow of that other woman’s number your sister is playing into their hands. It’s also giving him a huge ego boost.

She seems to be swinging between intense anger with the other lady and breaking down and saying she can’t go on.

I dont think your sister has the strength to have this conversation. It will likely need to come from you, as you will be a lot less emotive and will be able to communicate the facts more effectively.

At the moment, all they know is their dad has left because their mother is apparently "mental" and that their dad is away on holiday to clear his head.

They dont know the financial situation he has left the family in, how long an affair was going on for, the sacrifices that their mother made to be a SAHM and how her world will now feel like it's collapsing.

I think once they are aware of her side of the story, it will all piece together for them (maybe not straight away). Eventually, they wont want to be anywhere near their father. He will try to buy their love though, through money, gifts, holidays I reckon. In which case, they need to be reminded that those things are nice to have, but money to pay bills and housing etc are essential. And he is neglecting their basic needs. This constitutes abuse.

So a list for you...

1. Get her to the GP. Get the GP to sign her off sick. Tell them she needs to apply for benefits and they will know what sick form to give her.

1. Get her an independant bank account set up that he cannot touch - can be done online.

1. Get onto universal credit online and make that application. She will in the ned need to look for work but the GP sock note will hold that off for a while.

1. Look at what bills are in HER name. I'd not worry just yet about anything that's in his name. He's still liable for them whilst in his name and if he for example changes the gas/elec account they will contact her as the resident to set up new accounts.

1. Check her credit report to make sure he has no loans out in her name. And get a flag on the land registry on the house so that she needs to be informed its sold (incase he tries to forge anything). I'd also contact the estate agent to ensure they know she is a joint owner - and that viewings will need to come through her.

5.Check the child maintenance website and see what she'd be owed from him ' assuming she can guess at his salary.
Contrary to what others are saying here I'd be wary of putting in the claim if he is still paying utilities etc to the value or more of what she'd get from CMS as it will cause him to hand all those bills over. Obviously at the point he does hand those over she should get the claim in same day! Be warned though it is much easier to claim CMS from an employed member of staff than a self employed person who can easily hide their income.

1. Call the kids schools. Let them known for Pastoral support. They will also tell her to apply for free school meals as soon as she's done the universal credit application - is done on her local council website. That will give the kids some extra support in school as well as funding a meal at lunchtime.

1. Get the uni kid to talk to student support about what they can help with. They will also know what happens if he doesn't supplement their student finance. There is a technicality about resident parents etc which might mean they are entitled to more as she has no income.

That's alot of pushing... so then you both need to breathe!

Next list - practicalities...

1. Get some washing on, make sure the kids have clean uniform for this week and know how to use the washer/dryer/iron to keep that going.

1. Get a full eveyone around the table meal planned and prepped for this evening.

1. Wash everyone's bedding, and work with the kids to clear bedrooms of pots etc. Get some windows open to get some air flowing - yes its cold but fresh air will help!

1. See if you can get a local cleaning firm to quote for a house deep clean, and an ongoing weekly clean. Tell the twat if he wants it cleaning for viewings that he needs to pay as she's in no fit state.

1. Sit down with the kids and draw up a menu for 2-3 weeks that they can cook for everyone. Set up some online shops if need be so that the basics they need get delivered.

Good luck. She will be OK. Its just one he'll of a shock!

Is it worth ringing this organisation?
Economic abuse is a legally recognised form of domestic abuse and is defined in the Domestic Abuse Act. It often occurs in the context of intimate partner violence, and involves the control of a partner or ex-partner’s money and finances, as well as the things that money can buy.

Make sure she doesn’t forget to include the flat he’s bought in divorce proceedings - bought during the marriage makes it a marital asset. He doesn’t just get to walk away with it.

They weren't married.

Adds application for single adult Council tax discount to LittleOwl153s things to do list.

My guess is he intends to do just that. Buy their love, lavish them with holidays and gifts and leave her in destitution.

My sister has always been a dreamy sort. Gardening, her seeds, knitting, baking and creating such a lovely home life, she seems completely ill equipped from where I am sitting for the real world of working. I have no idea how she can turn these skills into something she can be paid for, but atm we just need to get the Uc application done. One day at a time.

Bugger missed that bit

I agree she shouldn’t waste her energy on the other woman, but it is in effect this woman who has stolen her life - she knew he was married with children so she has to take some responsibility for being a POS herself.

You do need to try and get her to stop messaging the other woman

the last thing she needs is her calling the police about harassment

They’re not married, so she’s go not chance.

@Newchapterbeckons I’ve been through this, I’ve PM’d you.

Thank you I will check

Don’t be a dick. The woman is dealing with a trauma and she’ll pick herself up and get on with it after a few weeks like the rest of us do.

In the meantime she clearly has family support with the kids and really doesn’t need input from SS.

Why bother keeping a lid on it? I wouldn't if it was my sister!

She would do really well in a job at a gardening centre/crafts or yarn shop etc. Even if its only part time, she will get topped up with UC.

Once she becomes stronger and more on her feet, self employment by starting a business doing knits, baking, catering events etc would really give her some job satisfaction and she can do this alongside a job until it takes off.

If she used to work with kids and liked it, could she go back to nursery work or become a registered childminder (once a house is sorted etc). She's basically raised kids for years as well.

It's a bit weird because she shouldn't have sold a flat and just given him the money - she would have had to pay tax on such a large amount. And he would have got some tax relief on his salary if they were married and her not working, so it seems odd he wouldn't take advantage of that.

He's either not that nice (like sociopath level) or there's something you don't know. His aggressive actions, emotionally and financially, are not what you'd expect from someone who just wanted to leave his wife for someone else (more likely to be awkward, or bashful, or relieved, or even just neutral). The way he's acted to financially wipe her out seems like there's more to it than you know.

I had a family member in a slightly similar situation and it turned out to be because she'd developed an alcohol addiction and they were trying not to tell anyone - her having access to any kind of money meant she left the (young) kids alone and drove to the shop, usually drunk, to buy more alcohol. It doesn't sound like this in this case, but it's just one example - it just all points to there being more to the story in some way, on his side or hers. It doesn't seem likely that everyone in this situation, who is apparently really nice, is actually a completely different person.

I am not amazed at this at all, because it happens all around us. The fact he was refusing to marry her was probably the biggest indicator that all was not as it seemed.

This is exactly why women are advised here allll the time to have a rainy day fund / to not leave themselves totally reliant on another human being (especially without the protection of marriage), to not know what is going on with family finances etc. Of course there is a possibility he’s financially abusive, and she wasn’t just being an ostrich re finances.

That being said, he’s a despicable human being for running off and not even concerning himself with how his children are surviving. He says he’s paying enough, but if he’s taking even the child benefit, what does he think they’re eating? They can’t just exist on air until he returns - disgusting fucker!

Thankfully your sister has your support. You’ve had some great advice, so I hope you can get her some external support soon.

She needs to get well as she still has children relying on her, and if she cannot function properly, I wouldn’t put it past her bastardly ex to relieve her of her children as well. The children may also choose to go with him if he can offer them more stability, as I imagine it’s difficult for them watching their mom fall apart so badly.

Im sorry this has happened to your sister 💐.

Haven't had time to read all replies but if he's been financially controlling her you could contact the local domestic abuse charity or women's aid for advice. Citizens advice might also be a good place to speak to.
I'd prioritise the GP initially if she is feeling so low, though, especially as she is the main carer for her children and you can't be there all of the time.
She could also contact the gas/electric/water companies and explain the situation to see what support they can offer. She may also be able to get a council tax reduction now he has moved out.

As a short term solution, if the kids still get on well with the father, could one of them message him and some cash? And frame it as they need it for x y z for school or something? That'll at least tide them over a couple of days?