Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Thank you I am trying my best to not get cross because she has found the woman’s details and keeps messaging her over and over telling her she is a homewrecker and won’t focus at all on anything else. Maybe this is normal, this level of anger, she is just inconsolable.

If she doesn’t have a job/any income then of course he controls the money. Even if it’s paid to a joint account that she had access to he could change that at any time.
hopefully this is a warning to other women not to get in to such a vulnerable position.

Get her seen by gp

Can you take the dc?

Explain to her seriously that she needs to take help meds whatever and buck up for the dc

He had affair he is gone. The dc need her.
She needs to open curtains feed cat and feed dc one day at a time. focus. Focus on the neccessities.

If she cannnot and is genuinely ill with her mh she needs professional medical help and you may need to take on dc tho at least they teenagers so can manage to a degree.

And speak to the school let them know
They can support dc and let teachers be gentle on them .
If you are around might not need a safeguarfing referral.

@Newchapterbeckons TBH I am not sure how much better if your sister would be if she were married. She is on the house deeds. Savings and pensions maybe, but if herself employed he may not have a lot in pension.

She needs to document everything. Keep the messages.
Contact child benefit herself and get the payments changed to her bank account.

Can she not afford a solicitor? She really needs legal advice. I’d also contact the council and contact CAB, womens aid regarding financial abuse.

Take her to the G.P she needs to pull it together as much as she can if only in front of him.
Sort her house, clean up- there are children involved - he sounds like a nasty piece of work that will get SS involved and accuse her of neglect to get his way. A colleague went through something similar her ex was a police officer and it dragged on and on with accusations etc. (He was found guilty and lost his job in the end). But hell for the colleague and took a very long time to sort out.

Can you call the police about this kind of thing? (No idea). He’s just ditched his children to run off with someone else too- that needs documenting also.

It sounds like her ex has been planning this ‘attack’ for some time. Scumbag. She will be ok.

Your poor sister. This is a salutary lesson in why women should always be financially independent or have the means to earn their own money.

Tell her to stop focusing on that woman
Your dc need you
Your dc need your focus

So she can manage all that but not actually apply for jobs or care for children etc.

Something is not adding up

Can the legal fees not be ofset agains the equity in the house? I think this situation really needs someone who knows what she'd be fully entitled to.

He was a very good father, they were a very close family. I don’t think they can believe he has done this.

My niece was unconscious last night at university as she was drinking so much she passed out. I don’t know whether we should be bringing her home?

They will learn eventually.

Are they aware of the OW?

The 13 year old certainly doesnt need to know details but the older kids, I would be sitting them down and letting them know the seriousness of the situation - that their mother has been left on her own, with no money in the bank and their father has took himself on holiday with the OW he left their family for. I would tell them that their mother is experiencing severe depression because she is stressed out about how she can maintain being the perfect mother to them.

Once you have explained this, the older kids need to understand that they need to help out more with chores, being understanding with the mother during this time.

Now the father is off the scene, if he keeps swanning off on holiday and they understand that their lifestyle has been dramatically impacted by their fathers financial abuse, they will think about it in a different way.

And no, I dont think its wrong to do this, especially if the father is throwing around false narratives to turn the kids against her. At least you would be telling the truth.

She wasn’t ‘completely fine’ before this though ?

She didn’t have a single clue what’s going on around her.

Yes, all she can do is cry, and message him to come home ( he has now blocked her) it seems like total denial that this is happening.

So her daughter is going through that and all she can do is post another women?

I am texting my niece. Not my sister. She got very drunk last night. Maybe that is to be expected.

Was your niece drinking herself unconscious because of the shit happening at home? She could come back but she needs a support network. Her uni mates may be a better support. I suspect that if she does come back she'll end up doing the parenting, which isn't good.

You need an honest but appropriate talk with all the kids. No point lying.

i I agree. They need to know. My sister thought he would come back, still does it seems, so hasn’t had that conversation I don’t think.

The proceeds of her own flat went into the house, but she hasn’t made any mortgage payments?

there should be a paper trail for the flat sale and the money going into the property - speak to the bank about past bank statements to show the transactions. as she wants that money back before the proceeds of the house are split 50/50 - speak to a solicitor about this. This could make a big difference to her circumstances - I don't know

get UC application in as many pp have said

go online and tell council tax he has moved out, as she needs to the getting the single person discount of 25% from the day he left

get straight onto child maintenance services for them to collect maintenance from his wages - as he has been financially abusing her there is no point in pissing about with deciding between themselves and him pay - as he won't - so get them to collect it and pay the extra

make sure she is collecting child benefit and it is going into her bank account

she stays in the house - id also get bolts fitted to the doors for extra security as she is there on her own (that keeps people out even if they do have a key`)

Id ring the estate agent and let them know that the other partner hasn't signed anything and how do they think they will proceed with a sale?

You need to step in for those dc
Since she cannot.
Can they stay with you?
Let your niece know you there for her?

Man leaves woman.... it happens....she needs to get perspective . It s awful yes and he was awful. but she has dc to focus on. No one died.

tho sounds like she is suffering a mh crisis and needs gp help urgently.

Yes, I think it’s her way of dealing with it. It’s such a mess. Thank you everyone.

My sister thought he would come back, still does it seems,

hopefully he won't and he goes and leaches off someone else

Having read the updates. I would really advise her speaking to social services. It will demonstrate she has primary care of the children, which will support 1) getting CB back in her name 2) establishing some evidence for financial abuse and arguably neglect of the children. Taking the DC to his mother's at Easter? Is that for a visit or a threat he's taking the children? Unlikely he wants to mess up his love nest but it's common for abusive men to threaten this to cause fear and exercise control.

She may also be able to evidence controlling and coercive behaviour if she goes to the police. It's scary to do that and doesn't always result in any criminal outcome unfortunately, but when it comes to regaining control and protecting against further abuse, including through the family courts, victims who have a documented record with police and SS definitely seem to do better. Abuse and control thrives on secrecy and isolation.

Apologies, NRFT but I'd get her to the GP first and get her a sick note or whatever to show to the benefits people that she's not fit to work at the moment (my dh had a breakdown and we had to claim UC but he provided sick notes and wasn't required to seek work, he was then assessed for and awarded ESA based on his mental state). Then I'd get her to the job centre or phone ASAP and put a claim in for UC. Don't universal credit offer short term loans whilst you are waiting for your first payment? Also, see if the GP can refer her to a food bank and get her an appointment at the citizens advice bureau. There's also online benefits checkers that you can do which will give her an idea of what she's entitled to. First thing, in my opinion anyway, is get her to the GP and get her some help. I can well imagine she is not fit mentally to work at the moment and the fact she feels suicidal is extremely worrying. The poor woman, thank goodness she has you.

1. Emergency Doctors appointment - Sick note

-Medication, probably Diazepam and sleeping pills and antidepressants, ensure she takes them and accompany her to the doctors to advocate for her

• Foodbank referral

1. Mental health Crisis Team
2. Get online and apply for benefits

4Sort the kids out,contact school etc Good luck.

It’s genuinely like her world is over. It’s not just man leaves woman. Not to her, she says she is almost fifty and just can not see how she can start again.

I am just hoping to god there is some equity in the house. What happens if there isn’t or it’s so small? I don’t know what she can do nowadays for a career. It is daunting starting again.