Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

I don't have any advice but just I am thinking of your sister, and you.
My friend had similar a few years ago, he was a dick, fast forward to now she has a job, brought a house and is settled.

I'd also try and apply for this for her to have some money in the short term -

https://www.gov.wales/discretionary-assistance-fund-daf/how-apply

In the UK this has never, ever been the case.

@Newchapterbeckons You said that your sister sold her flat not that long ago.

She's 49.

She hasn't worked for 20 years.

How did she buy a flat in between leaving school and stopping work at 29?
What happened to the flat in those years?

And be mortgage free so that the equity from the sale went into her partner's bank account?

Some things here seem rather odd.

I went through financial abuse for many years which got even more difficult when I left. I was told no to legal aid because ateotd how do you prove it? Luckily I didn't give up work altogether and always worked pt (teacher) despite being told by both my ex and my FIL that I was failing as a wife and mother in doing so. It was ALL about control.

She needs a good solicitor to fight for her. . She is entitled to half the house and half the value of his pension at the very least.

The house yes but not the pension as they weren't married.

You’ve mentioned the need for childcare a few times. That might have been a realistic barrier in the past for your sister but the children are all 13 plus now so are old enough to not need childcare.
as long as she is mentally well enough there shouldn’t be blocks to her getting a job (maybe lack of experience but she will need to find a way to overcome this).

I don’t think he’s saying she shouldn’t get half the house. I think the OP said he had no pension though.

I've been in similar

Universal credit
Call bank / mortgage company get online password etc
Open new bank account
Child maintenance service
Get a job, any job once recovered. She will recover in a bit of time.
Look after yourself
She needs to steel herself for a long and difficult road. But it will be ok in the end.

She can Def slow the process down re selling the house by being involved. Not unreasonable. But involved. Call estate agents. People saying he can force the sale well yes he can but it'll take ages and expensive.

Ignore rubbish about top lawyers. He sounds nasty so it's just bullying.

Is there any option at all for some sort of civil case, I mean it's just dreadful, it's like exploitation or something.

Police report? Coercion a crime? Hard one if he's very nasty. He might get nastier.

It's really awful. Tell the children I would, particularly the older ones. In a very matter of fact way. Let them make their own minds up.

Ghastly. Hugs xxx

No, not the pension, they were unmarried. Only automatic of married or in CP

Thing is she’s been sending derogatory message to the OW. So they will cite her unreasonable behaviour with examples

Well Miss Marple, perhaps she bought the flat when she was working and then rented it out. And where did the op say that the flat had no mortgage on it?

She can surely disrupt any viewings by simply saying she is disputing the sale. No way would I offer on. a house where that is the case.

Do you have 4kids?

Having been through a very tough divorce (OW, threats by DH to move them both in with me, house on the market without me knowing, house off the market just as I was signing for my new house, no CM etc etc) remember your DSis is grieving.
My GP suggested I read up on the stages of grief, to help me.

The devastating part is having your whole future changed. It is out of your control, at the mercy of someone who has discarded you . I felt I had no future.

But then I got to the angry stage….planned, accepted, looked forward, valued my independence ( though I did have my profession). She will get there.

Set up a crowd funding/Go fund me, site, naming and shaming him of being a deadbeat dad who has stolen money to buy a new home and intends to make his wife and children destitute.

What a stupid suggestion.

yes this could be classed under coercive control, emotional and financial abuse, which I’ve found them to be quite hot on

Alice Evans did it mainly to shame her ex partner though. 😅

Your posts say he was a lovely man and fantastic dad, they were all really close and he was from a lovely family. You said that He has just texted me to say this is not his fault, she has severe mental health issues and he couldn’t take it anymore!

Do you think there is any truth in this? Have you considered there might have been lots of difficulties in the marriage you were unaware of?

With me the mortgage company and universal credit were very very supportive. They put a block on the mortgage so he couldn't do anything else without my signature. I told them what he had done. Luckily I was on the mortgage and deeds. The point is tell them. Tell people. Tell the bank. I had no access, only my card, so I had to get online access and everything - I trusted him, didn't think I needed it.

He's been able to do this under the radar. So tell people what he's done.

But it was by chance really that I was on the mortgage etc. I was gullible young and in love, had children, and went along thinking everything was hunky dory until he pulled the rug out from under me. It was literally hell.

His plan didn't quite work out as he intended though in the end. I honestly think he wanted to ruin me sometimes but he couldn't and didn't and a number of years on my life is way different to what I thought it would be but in many ways it's brilliant.

Also chumplady made me laugh when I really needed it. So did some karma threads on here.

Do you realise that abusive relationships often look perfect from the outside and it is a very common tactic of abusers to try and make out their victims are mentally ill?

The flat was sold a couple of years ago. She bought it in her mid twenties. We both had a small inheritance from our grandparents with strict stipulation to invest in property as my gps worked so hard to get on to the property ladder.
They kept the flat on as a pension, and rented it out. .
Ex dp ran into work issues, so they sold it and it was sucked into the marital house etc. looking back I don’t think he was struggling for work. The flat was in her name but the money was not ringfenced. Yes it’s shit. My grandfather would be turning in his grave.

Ms Evans actions against her ex and the OW had legal consequences . It also made divorce increasingly fraught