Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Oh no, they're not envious at all because they are all working in very important and fulfilling careers and we SAHM are all bored and living lives of drudgery with nothing interesting to say, ever.

I don’t know where we would be without so much good advice on here. We have made progress today, and she has eaten something. I can’t stay tonight as I don’t have anything with me, but I will come back in a few days. My parents are elderly and can’t really do very much. Dad has had an operation, and is needing so care atm.
i know it seems she has made bad choices, and to some extent I agree, but raising 4dc is not an insignificant job. I think she has been just too trusting. Of him. Of life. In every way and now she is paying an awful price for this.
Thank you to everyone for your support. It has really helped. We have made a list and we will get onto the other jobs tomorrow.

Is there any case, as they are not married, for him stealing her flat money?

She sold it, for the proceeds to be paid off her part of the mortgage. He then took that without her permission and bought himself something. Is that not theft?

If he were here husband, he could "get away" with that. But he's not. Surely that's theft, by technically an unrelated person, who's taken her money without her permission?

Unlikely… she contributed to the house she lives in. He has continued to pay the mortgage and at the same time bought another flat. When the house sells she has interest in it and will get money from the sale.

My 90 yr old mother had dementia and was losing the ability to talk in the last months of her life. I'm in 60s and one of the last long conversations I had with her was her telling me that she loved it that I still called her Mummy. I'm glad I did for the whole of her life. It mattered to her.

Your sister could enrol to train in something for the future.
This is the time to apply.
in a few years when she is 50 and newly qualified her life will be beginning and she can have a career . Instead dod stuck to a horrible controlling man .

As a previous poster said it’s financial abuse and legal aid is given ok those circumstances .
Get your Dsis to contact women’s aid for help abs support

Your poor sister. I'm not surprised she's falling apart, she must be devastated. And she's very lucky to have you for a sister, OP, your support must be inavaluable to her.

Universal credit will give here enough to cover the basics, eg feed the kids etc, and getting a FIT note is important so that she isn't pressurised to find work. When she contacts the council to get the 25% single occupier discount, she should also claim council tax reduction which will reduce the bill still further. And get the child benefit paid to her, as she is the one the children are living with.

When she speaks to the GP to get the FIT note, it may be worth her asking if she could be referred for counselling. In my area, you can get 12 sessions for free on the NHS, and it would hopefully help her start to process what's happened. Your DNiece who's struggling with this maybe able to access counselling through uni, she's obviously been hit hard by this too.

If the house has to be sold, and her share of the equity isn't enough to buy somewhere big enough for them, she may be able to use the capital to buy a significant chunk of a shared ownership property, but I suspect that's a long way down the line.

Men really can be shits.

Thanks for the update, @Newchapterbeckons, and best of luck with everything. So glad your sister isn't having to go through this alone.

Your poor sister. I hope she pulls herself together for the sake of those children.

My father also left us when we were teeangers for a women half his age. Fortunately my mun was very strong we all survived and got degrees. She had never worked before but had to learn. We were 4 teens between 13 and 17.

I will forever be grateful to my mum. She decided to not find another partner and concentrated on us. Didn’t want a stranger with 3 teenagers girls. My sisters had to find weekend jobs, youngest sibling and I would help with cooking and cleaning on top of school work.

I don’t think I would let him sell the house until younger one is an adult

Do you get some perverse satisfaction from being so unpleasant about someone who is so obviously struggling? Post after post. Yes, she does need to do the things you suggest but she's not in the best place at the moment is she? Bit of empathy wouldnt hurt would it?
And it's to not too.

Don't want to put a downer on this sound advice but council tax support for those on low incomes is discretionary - so worth applying for but she may not get it.

Yes, most unis have good counselling services for students and definitely worth accessing.

I suppose he thinks he can swan off and leave her with the kids. How does he expect them to be housed?

OP is there any point telling him the kids will be moving in with him... see how he likes it.

And social services will remind him that he’s the children’s father so perhaps he ought to step up and take responsibility.

A family member of mine is able to stay in the family home (after battling out in court) until her youngest is 18yo. Not married to her ex but she was able to take over the mortgage payments. She spent £1000s fighting for this though.

Your sister will possibly have a case as her ex has another (or new) home and she and the children do not. But how she will afford the payments will be looked at. Please note THIS IS NOT GUARANTEED AND WILL BE COSTLY.

FIRST STEPS:

1. GP essential - also, I'd even suggest getting in touch with the mental health crisis team for that area as your sister seems very unwell. FIT NOTES!!

2. Apply for UC for her (in her name) and make sure you apply for the advance so she gets some money quicker. Does she have her own bank account? If not, set one up ASAP.

3. Contact CHB office and get that child benefit switched over - in time get those NI credits switched over too. You will likely have to contact them for her.

4. Council tax -inform them of circumstances and that you've applied for UC.

As a previous poster said it’s financial abuse and legal aid is given ok those circumstances
Declining to continue bankrolling your ex partner after you split is not financial abuse.

Yes but the multiple other factors mentioned by OP are.

get a GP appt and discuss her wellbeing and Mental Health . Consider a talk therapy referral . If her mental health is deteriorating ask for a referral to CMHT

@Newchapterbeckons read the youngest has ADHD - sister needs to apply for DLA. This can be a good chunk of money every month BUT it will qualify sister as DC's carer on UC and will mean she has no work commitments until/if she wants to look for work. Probably not a current priority but please start the ball rolling soon! Good luck!

Which ones, specifically?

Ah bugger.

I was thinking if I had a boyfriend, who removed money from an account that could be shown to be mine (from the sale of a flat) and purchased himself something without my knowledge, that would be theft. I'm still not clear why it's not... Is the money in a joint account of two unmarried people, not just two separate finances in one account?

You are an amazing sister OP. I'd advise she contacts Citizens Advice, and also Womens Aid as she has 100% been financially abused. She should be able to get free legal aid? I'd also look at local food banks - GP can issue a voucher if needed. And speak to the council about a referral for housing support. Good luck 💓

From the surviving economic abuse website:

Economic abuse can take many forms. An abuser might do any of the following:

Sabotage your income and access to money:

• prevent you from being in education or employment - check
• limit your working hours
• take your pay
• refuse to let you claim benefits - check
• take children’s savings or birthday money
• refuse to let you access a bank account - check

Restrict how you use money and the things that you own:

• control when and how money is spent
• dictate what you can buy
• make you ask for money or provide an allowance - check
• check your receipts
• make you keep a spending diary
• make you justify every purchase made
• control the use of property, such as a mobile phone or car
• insist all economic assets (eg savings, house) are in their name - check
• keep financial information secret - check

Exploit your economic situation:

• steal your money or property - check
• cause damage to your property
• refuse to contribute to household costs - check
• spend money needed for household items and bills
• misuse money in joint bank accounts - check
• insist all bills, credit cards and loans are in your name and make you pay them
• build up debt in your name, sometimes without your knowledge - possibly this too

Possibly manipulating the finances so she lost control of the proceeds from the sale of her flat.

The one where he's had control of the finances throughout the marriage and not told her anythingl. Where she's has to ask for even the smallest amount of money from seems of it to buy stuff as he controls ALL the income even the CB.

It is financial abuse and coercive control. I don't doubt there's been other things at play and plenty of evidence will emerge in time. This kind of abuse is slow and takes years to chip away at the person. It's the asking for money for bread one week to then being told don't need to know as everything is in hand and one day waking up to this shit show.

Such a terrible thread. I am so sorry your sister is going through this. There is so many things here which are wrong but the taking of the child benefit and depriving her of her national insurance and pension contributions is unforgivable. What a nasty, nasty thing to do.

I hope it is correct that it is possible for her to get some of them back as pp have mentioned.