Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

Did she tell the lawyer she saw that they were engaged? I remember something about ‘in consideration of marriage’ meaning long relationships with kids and assets might be treated differently to usual non married relationship breakdowns.

try another lawyer, PAY. Find it somehow between you if at all possible? Ask about being engaged, it makes a difference I’m sure. I’m not a lawyer but did a law degree 20 years ago and definitely there was something. I’m now disabled and on strong meds so please, excuse me if I’m wrong. Maybe research before lawyer but it’s definitely relevant!

Dangerous? Where is this coming from?

@ExactlySo No, but I have critical thinking skills and I can google. You should try it sometime - start with the Government website.

I've heard it all now.

Advice on possible claim relating to the ADHD https://www.disability-grants.org/benefits-for-adhd.html

This poor woman has had a double bereavement - losing not just her husband but the life she has enjoyed. Yes she needs to get her act together for the sake of the children but not everyone can do that without help.

The new rules are if you work for ten years you will get some form of pension entitlement , and they don’t need to be together. She’s 49, she can work another 17 years. In addition you get pension credit to top you up if you don’t have much on a state pension. She won’t be left with nothing.

You state this with such certainty - please qoute the law that covers this.

I really struggle with threads like these.

Im sorry op but your sister might be lovely and sweet but she's made terrible choices, for years and years. Loads of people work full time with 4 kids. My mother did once elder two were in school. My colleague did, who also had two with adhd before that's thrown in as an excuse. Both are older than your sister, who tbh comes across like she was enjoying her lovely life of leisure with her cooking and gardening and chose not to engage with reality.

She'll need to be an adult and pull herself together and get a job. Fast.

NOT HAVING TO WORK!

You are joking, I hope?

There is a HELL of a lot of work in raising four children and growing your own vegetables, keeping your house clean and comfortable as well as washing and cooking for six people day in day out, with a partner ho does't come in until 9-pm half the time, and leaves all of the "woman work" - doctor's appointments, booking the car for an MOT, arranging for repairmen etc - up to you - the woman.

Four pregnancies take a toll on a woman's body, too. You can be exhausted before you've started many days. Don't you DARE say she "hasn't worked".

Kindly, this is what she risked when having this many children and remaining unmarried.

It's awful that she's in a state, but nothing has happened to her, other than exactly what happens when unmarried people split up. She seems to have this feeling she's entitled to things like a wife, but she isn't his wife, and that changes everything.

How does she intend to afford the house (mortgage? mortgage free?) all the utilities, food, child costs, without a job? She'll get child maintenance, but that's it from him. Is he a very high earner?

While she won't like the reality of this, the fact is, she's split up with a boyfriend, and it's really no more serious than that. They have a house they need to sell. No, she's got no extra entitlement to stay in her jointly exbfs house, just her share of the sale proceeds. The exbf has to pay child maintenance. That's it. That's what they both signed up for as an unmarried couple with a joint house and children.

She hasn't worked in a salaried position, outside the home.
Having 4 children does not preclude doing so, especially when are actually teenagers.

I’m sure my ex best friend who was engaged mentioned this to me who told the family lawyer I worked with. Sadly she broke off the engagement, I’d have married him! And so she was told it didn’t matter.

DWP here.

1. She needs to sit down right now and get a claim in for Universal credit. She won't get the mortgage but she will get something for her and the kids who are still in education. It's all done on line. She needs to do this right now.

1. She needs to get on to the CMS website and make a claim for child support.

1. When the UC claim is made she will need to take her ID to the job centre. Once verified she can ask for an advance against her UC. This is paid back over a number of weeks out of her claim going forward at an affordable amount.

1. Go to the doctor. Get some short term drugs to help with sleeping . A good sleep allows people going through stress to be much more resilient.

1. Don't be pushed around re housing. It's a joint house. She doesn't have to have it on the market yet. If she doesn't want to. Could she afford the mortgage if she got a job ? Speak to the big scary mortgage company and get advice. They are MUCH more helpful to people who engage. They might give her some breathing space to find work.

1. It's JOINTLY her house. He doesn't get to call the shots. She is IN the house. To an extent within reason she can decide when it needs to be sold - which could well be sooner than later. But first she needs money for food and some sleep. Good luck.

Ah yes, wonderful google. It replaces a real lawyer who would know the circumstances.
And you really went to all that trouble before posting?

You actually believe it's that easy to bring criminal proceedings against someone for financial abuse when she appeared to be very happy- until he left her.

That sounds like excellent advice. Yes I wondered about asking the GP for sleeping tablets. They really do help when everything is whirring round in your head, as I'm sure it must be.

I was once told on here that, as SAHM, I was not and could never be a feminist.

Her flat was sold and used to pay off a chunk of their current mortgage a couple of years ago when he had a few lean months/year with his work ( self employed) it now seems he has moved or used the money he should have been paying towards the mortgage on their family home to save and pay for his own flat outright, he has clearly lied about his earnings so he was paying the bare minimum on their family home for years.

How did your sister own a flat outright when she's not worked for 20 years?

You actually believe it's that easy to bring criminal proceedings against someone for financial abuse when she appeared to be very happy- until he left her.

I hesitate to bring up a fictional case but everyone thought Helen in The Archers was really happy with Rob – including her family. Victims of this kind of abuse tend not to present as victims (and I do speak from some experience there).

Another one here not surprised at the SAHM vitreol on mumsnet which seems to be getting worse and worse. The worst ones are the ones who are so spiteful on the "shall i give up my job and be a SAHM because it's less stress and we don't really need the money". The abuse directed to those posters is vile. I put it down to envy.

On the mortgage, does she know who the lenders are? I would do a search of her address at the land registry to check all the legal charges against the property in case he got a new loan on the house she didn’t know about. Then speak to the lender(s) and get a mortgage statement - make sure all the info from the bank will come to her house not just him at his new address. If he has borrowed again on the house then perhaps as others suggested he did so fraudulently.

Even if she has lost her close friends over the years can you or her reach out to them now? Even other mums she knows a bit/says hello to on the school run. She just needs a few people locally to take her out for coffee or come over for a glass of wine and help her feel normal again. Sorry if that sounds silly but I would check in on any school run mum if I knew they were going through a difficult time.

This is utter bollocks. Anyone who has spent any time working with DV victims knows, from the outside, they often appear to be happy and may even think themselves to be happy.

I am confused, he is selling the house and wants her out but surely their kids live there too? Is he kicking his kids out on the street?

This!

It has nothing to do with envy… the last time I saw a thread similar to should I give up working… most saw the preparation and contingency plans the OP had and said rock on.

The ones that don’t go well for the OP are the ones where that person doesn’t have a plan for it all going tits up and others are trying to let them know that hope isn’t a plan.