Affair and left penniless

[Newchapterbeckons]

Please advise. My sister is with me now, her partner of 20 years has just left her and the children for another woman.

They live in a house jointly owned, but my sister has no other assets or savings, she hasn’t worked for nearly two decades as she supported him and raised their dc. Four children aged 13-19.

He has moved out, and has put the house on the market, she is shell shocked and inconsolable. What happens now? He has threatened to cut her off and stop paying for food, petrol and bills. Can he do that?

We had no idea he controlled all of the money in this way. She is devastated. What can I do to support her?

She has no money for legal advice, but has had the free hour.

For 15 years we have asked her to get married for this very reason, and he refused. Can anyone advise what she can do.

He doesn’t seem to care what we think, his mother is silent on the issue. The few joint friends they have are sitting on the fence. I don’t know who would advocate to encourage good will or kindness, he doesn’t appear to give a damn.

You can purchase these credits.
I know that is unlikely in this case, but who knows?
It's all too raw.

Sorry not a link you can click on:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-parents-and-carers-cf411a#:~:text=You%20should%20automatically%20get%20credits,from%20a%20spouse%20or%20partner

She chose to stay home and not work. She chose not to get married

Was that totally her choice or what her circumstances dictated due to her DH's control and dominance? Maybe she wanted to marry and he wouldn't. She wanted to work but demands of 4 DC and DH anti the idea.

She also chose not to think or look into what would happen to her and her children in case something happens

This seems truer. Head in the sand? Dreamy and trusting? Non confrontational? Unfortunately we should all have an emergency fund and check out worst case scenarios. You can't abdicate all financial responsibility to a partner either so you don't know the basics.

It’s amazing how many pp think that if you are living together for x years it is a common law marriage. It’s really not the case. How can so many people not know that? It makes me think there needs to be a greater push on making this clear to everyone. It feels like very damaging misinformation.

She chose not to work, not to marry, not to save, not to have any money of he own.

These are not always choices. Sometimes there is no choice.

Does she have some kind of personality disorder @Newchapterbeckons

This is incredibly offensive, @ExactlySo . Maybe you should ask for it to be removed.

No, she doesn’t have a personality disorder!! She is just a very trusting person.

There are always choices. Always.

He doesn't need too she needs to wake up and be a grown up

This is how these things happen. Everyone is afraid of speaking uncomfortable truths.

If his mom is aware he is leaving his children without so much as the means to eat and isn’t shaming him into doing better for her grandchildren, then she is as bad as he is. At least (provided she is not herself below the breadline), I’d offer support directly to my grandchildren, while dealing with my shitty offspring.

If his friends were less cowardly, again he’d be shamed into doing better. There is minding your business, and there’s supporting disgusting behaviour. I couldn’t be friends with anyone who would intentionally leave their children destitute ☹️.

I haven't had child benefit for years but I'm really shocked to learn from this thread that it is no longer paid automatically to the mother - or at least to the primary carer. When it was introduced (originally as Family Allowance), female politicians fought to ensure it was paid to women, to guard against exactly the situation that has happened here and to ensure as much as possible that that money would be spent on the children. I know there has been some controversy recently about Universal Credit payments going only to one person in the household, because that opens women up to financial abuse too.

If you knew her you would understand, she has always been a little bit dotty and has never fully got it together in the way some people do, but she is the kindest, nicest person you can ever hope to meet. A beautiful spirit, and I can’t believe he would ever do this to her and crush her like this.

It's also true that marriage isn't a guarantee of protection - not a lot of people seem to know that, and it's often posted on MN that women should get married for that reason. My relative would have been much better off had she not have been married. She ended up having to financially support her abuser who used every tactic in the book to delay their divorce to keep that last bit of control over her. I feel the best way a women (or man) can protect themselves is to get a good education, build and maintain a career, and share childcare/domestic tasks.

Dont stress he is not allowed to sell the house all the while children are under 18. My hysband left me after 40 years and stole everything, im 65 this year

What an ironic name you have chisen@Somanystupidpeople…

Your posts are so wide of what’s written in front of you that I have second-hand embarrassment.

What age are you prepared to leave a child on their own? This one has only recently stopped being 12.

Maybe in your life, @StarlightLime. I hope you appreciate your good fortune.

I’m so sorry this is happening to your sister. Similar happened to me a couple of years ago. Husband up and left the children and I out the blue it was a horrific time. She needs time to process what has happened. She will absolutely find a job and her earnings will be topped up with UC. Has she checked entitled to calculator to see exactly what she will be able to claim? The equity in the house will hopefully be enough to help with renting somewhere new or even a deposit for somewhere. Has she contacted the bank to see what the current mortgage is at? Maybe check zoopla to give a rough idea of Current value? What’s the reason for thinking the house will be slow to sell? Has she looked into legal aid?

Can I say as well what a wonderful sister you are? I could not have got thru my experience without my family and friends support. Please tell your sister it is very early days but it WILL get better and she absolutely will get thru this stronger than ever. Sending hugs x

He is allowed to do that. They are not married.

What has stopped her getting a job? This mollycoddling of adults needs to end, it’s stifling society.

@Naptrappedmummy, to coin a phrase, I think you have delighted us long enough with your comments.

This thread is peppered with posts from vitriolic arseholes. We don’t actually need men to bring us down, we’re doing it just fine to ourselves. Internalised misogyny runs strong in some on here. Fuck sake.

I’m going to assume giving a kicking to a woman at rock bottom is an attempt to make them feel superior sbout their own shit lives.

I reckon her partner had the mollycoddled life as he just worked his job and she did everything else for the house and family

You are not the thread monitor. Knock it off.

She needs to stop messaging the other woman. That will just be supporting his wild ‘MH’ theories. He is a dangerous man and she needs to start getting angry and treating him like the enemy.

One thing we can all be sure of is that you are an gorgeously supportive sister, OP! She is very lucky to have you.

In that spirit, can I try to express something? The very best form of support is if you can be 100% on her side, yet without entering her reality, or siding with her version of events. Does that make sense? Ofc it's incredibly difficult when you're so close and she's in such distress. But being supportive might at times require reality-checking her interpretation of events and course-correcting her behaviour.

Thought inspired by what you wrote here:

The way he swore at her on his last text shows me he is either in the throes of a midlife crisis himself or is a really nasty piece of work and we just didn’t see it.

Reality-check: Sis has just spent 3 weeks harassing his new partner, so the same judgement could be applied to her. We can all behave badly in extremis.

Try not to reinforce her worldview, if that makes sense? Horribly difficult, I know, when she's in so much pain, and you just want to make it better for her x